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alone???
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
Do you ever feel that you're totally alone, even though you have loads of friends in college and on the internet?
I've been suffering from depression for a few years now and recently it's got much worse. I've lost my religion and now I feel totally alone.
People say they understand, but they don't, they say they like me but I don't know how the hell anyone could like a fuckup like me <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
My faith used to keep me going, but now God's abandoned me, I have nothing. Gradually I'm finding it harder to talk to people, even my councillor. I'm finding it hard to relate to most people (apart from Charley, I feel she understands) and I'm avoiding even my best friends in college so I can be alone.
I'm such a bitch, all I do is push people away when all they want to do is help. It makes me so angry when somebody says "why aare you depressed?" or "please promise me you'll cheer up/not hurt yourself". Don't they see that life isn't that easy?
I'm gonna end up dying alone, I know that for a fact and maybe one day I'll accept that God or whatever made me has been punishing me since my birth. He made my mood go up and down like a yoyo, he made me too sad to even cry.
I don't know what to do because I really feel that this is going to result in another suicide attempt (hopefully suceeding this time). I have nothing to live for, my life is so shit. I hate myself and I hate God for creating me.
I don't know what to do, so I'm going to ask for help...
So with one hand on the wheel
The other out the window
With a smile on my face
My middle finger up...
I've been suffering from depression for a few years now and recently it's got much worse. I've lost my religion and now I feel totally alone.
People say they understand, but they don't, they say they like me but I don't know how the hell anyone could like a fuckup like me <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.
My faith used to keep me going, but now God's abandoned me, I have nothing. Gradually I'm finding it harder to talk to people, even my councillor. I'm finding it hard to relate to most people (apart from Charley, I feel she understands) and I'm avoiding even my best friends in college so I can be alone.
I'm such a bitch, all I do is push people away when all they want to do is help. It makes me so angry when somebody says "why aare you depressed?" or "please promise me you'll cheer up/not hurt yourself". Don't they see that life isn't that easy?
I'm gonna end up dying alone, I know that for a fact and maybe one day I'll accept that God or whatever made me has been punishing me since my birth. He made my mood go up and down like a yoyo, he made me too sad to even cry.
I don't know what to do because I really feel that this is going to result in another suicide attempt (hopefully suceeding this time). I have nothing to live for, my life is so shit. I hate myself and I hate God for creating me.
I don't know what to do, so I'm going to ask for help...
So with one hand on the wheel
The other out the window
With a smile on my face
My middle finger up...
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
0
Comments
as for the loss of religion, i think this is definitely something you can talk to people about - a local clergy member, or even just a member of the congregation. although it may seem as if god has abandoned you, perhaps speaking to someone else can put this in perspective.
you are not a fuckup. dont ever let anyone make you feel that way, even yourself. the very fact that you are here on this site, dispensing advice to others, is testimony to the fact that your life MEANS SOMETHING. not just to people who know you personally, but to those rely on you by chance, and trust you.
"I beleive in the sun even when it's not shining. I beleive in love even when I am not feeling it. I beleive in God even when He is silent." --Anonymous Jewish Holocaust Victim
as i said, i cannot hope to offer anything more helpful than a smattering of words and my deepest sympathy.
the samaritans: 08457 90 90 90
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum
I know what it is to feel completely alone in a crowd of people, I understand the loneliness that can plauge every minute
but I also know the comfort there is in just knowing that someone is caring about you, thinking about you
loving you
love forever
chloeby
if in doubt-dance.
i do feel i understand you and what you are saying sel, but you dont have to believe what i say. i'll say it anyway, i do understand you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">. i know that it sucks to feel like you have lost touch with god, and how gutting it is to go and hate him and the like. i have been there but i'd rather not describe it on these boards.
to get to the point, i do feel totally alone. even when i've been at school all day with people abnd come home, go to work, and then get in and gte on the net, it just proves my theory that depression includes the never ending fear of lonliness. i know what you mean about avoiding people, i sit at school and deliberatly ignore other people or just try and scare them so that they leave me the fuck alone. but i dont actually want to be lonely so that makes even fucking less sense. i get what you mean though. you know i wouldnt lie. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.
there is no way you're going to die alone, even if i have to fucking move to wrexham to meet you <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">.
i personally absolutely hate crying, like i said before it makes me feel weak. it physically shows that you can be hurt and i only do it in private. its a lot more than i'd like to. in a way i guess i'd be upset if i didnt cry though sometimes, sometimes i can be so upset that i just sit and stare and have no human feeling. it makes me feel fucked.
ok, i know i have said this before, but DONT die. dont blame god anyway, i know thsi might offend some people, but honestly, if he even does exist, what a fucking ASSHOLE he is. i know i'll sound hypocritical whan i say not to die, but i think you are a fucking great person, and if you died, i seriously would be totally alone.
most likely i've sat and wrote a post that's full of shit, but i want you to get through this as much as you want me to get better. (i think). i really hope i could help a bit anyway, you know where i am and if for some reason i'm not online, you have my email and mobile number. as much as i wish i could just wipe your illness away, i can't, but i really want to help you beat it.
in the words of my mate Dave: "dont let the bastards grind ya down"
in the words of marilyn manson: "i wont die, i refuse to let the rest of these motherfuckers know that they beat me"
please take care *hugs*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Im not going to pretend I know you, but you are kind and generous on TheSite, so Im sure you wont end up alone. And Charley seems to like you a lot- thats one person who cares at least <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
Im not as bad as you, I havent tried to commit suicide, but I do understand some of the emotions you are going through. Unless the person you talk to is/was depressed they sometimes make you feel worse- it isnt a case of 'pulling yourself together'. Im pleased you are getting help, I wish I had the guts to, so persevere with it.
I know what you mean about feeling like being punished- I feel 'why me?' too when I cut. If you feel like you want to commit suicide, try and think of all the people who would be hurt if you were gone. Even if you dont get on with them, your parents and siblings would miss you and be hurt by your absence. And your college mates would too.
If you want to talk email me <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
It matters not who won or lost, but how you place the blame.
[This message has been edited by Kermit (edited 24-09-2001).]
Please take comfort from the fact that every single person in this world is scared about ending up alone-that's what I think drives most people to do new things and put themselves in new situations.
Even if you don't think that you can do that now, please don't do anything that would take away your choice to do that at a later point in your life. whether there is a god or not, there is so much beauty in life that i think it is worth sticking it out (thanks to |American Beauty for teaching me that).
xxx
if in doubt-dance.
i dont know if this will help but try making a list!
down one side try and write all the things that you enjoy in life, all your friends and all of the good things (family etc)(you could also put your religion)
on the other side, write all the things that depress you or why you think that you are alone (your religion could also go on this side aswell)
compare the two columns and pick out the things that you can sort out, like appreciating your friends help, put your religion back into perspective.
maybe this cant help you but just try and give it a go. remember that however much you fell alone, your not, friends will always be there if they are true friends!
I'm afraid I don't think I can add to anything that has been said here, other to say that you have my sympathy and thoughts. As you can see, there are many people here who care for you and i'm sure elsewhere too. Just remember that on TheSite, you are never alone - we are always here for you. However i do think it is a good idea to get professional help and i hope that you do.
Sorry i couldn't have been more help. I mean, I went through quite a long period of general unhappiness but never anything as bad as this.
I hope things improve for you,
Zero
Wanna grow, grow up to be, be a debaser!
I`ve never been religious so that ain`t a problem for me but when it came to planning my 18th for saturday, I realised just how few friends I have.
I talk to alot of people but don`t let myself consider them to be friends cos I`m afraid I`ll screw up and end up with no friends like I did in Secondary School.
I`ve never seen a therapist but from the symptoms I`ve read and the online tests (I know these aren`t a REAL method of diagnosis) I seem to show atleast most of the symptoms of depression, although I manage to hide it most of the time occasionally it pops to the surface and no one seems to notice, again compounding the belief that I have no friends.
I`ve sort of learned to 'go with the flow' recently, as in following other people`s leads and I am starting to be more open but I still feel insecure and sort of scared that I`ll bugger up and do something that`ll leave me completely alone.
I know that probly hasn`t helped but I needed to get it off my chest.
Feel free to email me @ palan_@hotmail.com or contact me via Yahoo! or ICQ (details below) and hope u get better soon.
Yahoo Messenger: Thor719
or ICQ:89463288
"Honesty is just an excuse for lack of imagination."
It matters not who won or lost, but how you place the blame.
<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> . good luck, i'm positive it'll be for the best anyway. i know it feels shitty when your mum finds the blades and takes them off you, but se's only trying to do the best for you. even though you might not realise it yet. i would no way have the guts to take my mum to the psychologist with me, that must really take something. anyway, i hope it goes well, take care of yourself. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
(PS, 555 posts
"IF YOU'RE 555 THEN I'M 666!!!!")
[This message has been edited by charley (edited 26-09-2001).]
I'm going back to college on Friday, man I hate my biology class but hey.
Thanks again
You guys take care,
Love
Sel
So my suggestion is, write down wot u think is makin u depressed, then place it on the floor and piss on it! Don't ever let your problems get a hold of ure life, they're only problems if u let them be, so smile every day and laugh at people that give u hassle
I don't care what other people think of me, because I hate myself so much. I've got nothing to live for, I'm a stupid fucking fat ugly bitch and I deserve to die. That's my problem.
all im saying is i know what its like to be depressed but you need to keep telling yourself that you are worth it, and one day you WILL believe it.
take care of yourself!
You are young and have so much to live for. Things will not always stay the same. Look at these replies...I bet I wouldn't get a fraction of the replies you've got. You have managed to make connections with people using just text. I can't imagine the effect you have on people who have the pleasure of knowing you face to face. You inspire empathy and invoke reactions from strangers!! I have read your poem, and I meant what I said about you obviously being talented and a special person. You enhance the lives of the people who visit this board and that is a great thing to have achieved.
I know that a thousand people could reply to this and it won't really make any difference unless you yourself change how you feel about yourself. Even though I feel better now after being miserable right through high school, sometimes the voices in my head resurface and it's almost impossible to break the cycle of self hate.
~*LIBERTY*~ only you can change your situation. Much as we'd love to, we can't make a difference till u realise that how we see you is the real you, and not the distorted vision you have of yourself. You can change, you have the will and the strength. Anyone who can write such powerful poetry has the power to take control of their lives. I don't pretend for a second that I know what you're going through, but I believe in you and I've never even met u.
If I had a god, I'd be praying for you. As I don't, I'm doing the atheist version of prayer for you. *hugs*
I see that your problem is not really what others think of you but that you yourself don't like yourself. Hey, you're a great person and I think you absolutely deserve to be loved. Think of all the great, good things you do, think of all the positive things people say to you - hey, this world would be a lot poorer for them without you!
But I know that sometimes depression is like a swamp and you don't seem to be able to drag yourself out of it. I've usually experienced it when I was forced to do something that went against my grain. Something people or even I myself tried to persuade me was good for me. Once this was no longer the case I suddenly felt so much better and seemed to see again where my life was headed.
Hey Liberty, all the people who replied to your post care about you and believe in you!
Hugs,
E.
If you want to talk: being@poetic.com
[This message has been edited by Eustacia (edited 04-10-2001).]
you say you dont care what people think of you because you hate yourself. you thinkk that you have nothing to live for. thats not true. you have your cat and your friends, and much more besides. your not fat, stupid, or ugly. i know that you wont believe me when i say that, people say that to me sometimes and i tell them (and myself), that they are wrong and stuff. i think i'm too self critical. but Sel, i love you to bits, even though i totally suck at showing emotion and dont feel a load better than you do right now myself. you don't deserve to die. you have done nothing to deserve that. no way. i couldnt handle losing another person so close to me, and so the chain reaction goes on.
further, in agreement to (especially) the last few posts, you really are a fantastic person, and have a lot of good qualities etc. but like people say, another of my opinions on here isn't gonna make it all go away <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"> . i think you need to keep taking the meds, keep talking to your therapist, and things will slowly improve. you may well have a distorted vision of yourself, i get that from time to time and it really can crush you.
i wish i could have more peace love and empathy towards everyone, maybe that way i'd be able to help you more. you have so many online friends, and you have real life friends as well. allow them to help you if you can <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> . like someone said, you have received so many replies to this. i know i would never get that many. especially so many replies that have been written from the heart (not that mine is active or useful), and replies that make so much sense. i don't know what else i can say. i am aware that i stopped making sense a long time ago.
please take care, keep in touch with as many people as possible, and i'll speak to you real soon.
as i said, although i have difficulty with stuff like this, i love you to bits <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> .
xxxxxxxxxxx
[This message has been edited by charley (edited 04-10-2001).]