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this whole ordeal sounded fishy from a-z for me.
sorry alasia, no hard feelings.
Six or seven months ago I was the same, it didn't matter how many times people said that she was taking the piss. I convinced myself that I was right and everybody else was wrong and didn't know the half of it.
I hope I'm wrong, but I can see you getting really, really hurt, and the shit properly hitting the fan, unless you get out now.
Anyway I thought I'd post a quick update.
I showed my bf the threads I'd printed off (up to Ballerina's post) last night - I'd texted him earlier when he was at work, saying we needed to talk and he asked what was up, etc. I said there was something he needed to read.
So when he got home he just sat there for a bit looking really sad and confused (I was thinking about what to say), then he asked me to tell him his faults. I said I was going to bed, but gave him the print-out, explained what it was and told him to read it. Then I went to bed. About 15mins later he came upstairs, threw the printout on the bed and said "nice..." when I asked what was up he said "did you really have to use our real names?!" then went back downstairs.
I was tired so fell asleep for a bit, then about an hour later I went down and asked if that was the only thing that got to him about the print out.
He said that the replies had upset him too (he looked really sad and pensive when he was talking, so I know it definitely affected him), and that everyone was 'getting on his back'. I said that everyone who replied was anonymous and that they didn't have it in for him...he saw it as you guys siding with me - but eventually he admitted that maybe I was right after all. I really think it made him see sense. We made up and it was all ok, then this morning I mentioned Wendy again.
I tried to get him to see that she's using him - I said that she seems controlling and manipulative, that she deliberately withholds contact for a few days to get him missing her, and that she can't be that bothered about him if she won't even walk 200 yards to meet him on a main road, instead of making him sit in traffic for ages!
He agreed with me and said "she's really got me under her thumb, hasn't she?". I think it's got through to him this time, and he said he'll step back from Wendy because "that's how much you mean to me", but he's got to do it slowly - he can't just drop a bombshell like that on her (his words...lol).
I understand that he's got to let her down gently; he's said he won't pander to her every need and that if she phones and he's busy, he won't drop everything to pick her up. I also said I didn't want him meeting her at weird times, like 8 in the morning or late at night, and he agreed to that.
The only thing he wasn't sure about was mentioning me - I said that when she phones from now on and asks where he is, I want him to mention that he's with me instead of keeping quiet or saying he's with "a friend". He said he'll "do it eventually", but I'm not sure how to take that.
He's just dropped me back home, and he wants to pick me up again tonight after he finishes work (just after midnight). He mentioned that he'd bring me back to his place now, but he wants time to think about what I've said and read through the printout again. Not sure how to take that either!
I made it clear to him last night that if he's not willing to change, I'm finishing with him - and he seems willing to start working on it.
Do you think I should give him another chance??
Alarm bells would be ringing loud and clar there for sure. Its up to you if you want to listen to them.
And why cant he drop a bombshell like that on her, yet expect you to put up and shut up about everything.
If it was me, id just dump him. He thinks you wont.
why has he? doesn't wendy already know that hes in a relationship with you?? he should be able to tell her that the texts she sends him and her sleeping over is inappropriate. you are far too understanding! to the point where you're accepting his behaviour even thought its totally out of order.
i'm not convinced how much you mean to him. he says he loves you yet he still wants another woman in his life. why are you putting up with this?
He just phoned, and I told him I don't think he wants to work this out, and if he's not going to meet me halfway with the wendy thing then it's over. He said "if I didn't want to work it out with you, would I be picking you up at quarter to one in the morning?!" so stupid... :rolleyes:
He also said he would tell wendy, but said to let him do it in his own time.
i have a feeling he is not willing to tell her yet because there is more to it.. i don't think you know everything he has been saying to her when you're not there. for example.. when he texted her 'my head is swelling' and lied to you about it. when she texted him that she liked him a lot and wants to see him again".. that sounds like a continuation from a previous conversation.
As far as I know, Wendy knows about me. I don't think he's really mentioned me, but I think it came up in conversation once or twice ages ago that he had a girlfriend. So basically she knows, but doesn't want to hear about it.
Like I said a lot of my stuff is at Phil's place; my clothes/bits and pieces are in the bedroom, there's stuff on the cupboard next to bed of mine (including a candle with my name on), and there's toiletries and stuff in the bathroom. It looks like a woman's living there. And, seeing as Phil didn't move anything while Wendy was staying over (in the bedroom, with my stuff including the name candle next to the bed), I don't think she's in any doubt Phil's with someone. Phil told me that Wendy had mentioned my boots (that were in the bedroom), and Phil said something about them not being his - they weren't his colour - so in a way I'm glad she stayed over, because at least she could see I was living there and we're obviously committed to each other.
Btw, I forgot to mention before that when Wendy stayed the night, Phil texted me at 1am to say he had the rats (my rats, they're at his place) out for a run around the living room. So I know at 1am, he was definitely downstairs. That's why I believe him when he says nothing happened (call me naive )
I don't need him mentioning me to her all the time, but I would like him to let her know that I know about him picking her up - at the moment she might think he's doing it behind my back, and if she thinks I'm not aware of what he's doing, she'll be thinking she's got the upper hand. I don't want that.
He probably would. Who knows how his mind works? Booty call? He probably does enjoy your company and maybe even loves you, but that's actually not enough for you. Don't start to think that it is. He needs to prove that he wants to keep you with him now through his actions rather than bullshit words and half-arsed promises.
Doing it in his own time means he is going to continue to string you along and probably do diddly squat about the Wendy situation - he's saying that to get you off his back. As SCC said, dump him because there is no way in hell that he thinks there is any danger of it actually happening.
That said, I don't think you will leave him. Not right now, anyway, you're making too many excuses for him and drawing this out in a way that tells me you're going to stick around to be treated like second best for a while longer. Take out the trash. Don't you think you deserve better than this? Don't you think it should be better than this after less than two months together? No one says relationships are easy - even at the start - but relationships with unwelcome appendages called Wendy attached are not acceptable.
I packed my stuff up earlier, and when he thought we'd made up he asked if I was going to unpack. I said I'd leave it like that for now, in case nothing changes (that made his face fall a bit!). I made it clear on the phone just now (he called me) that he can pick me up tonight, but I've got to see some changes immediately (to be fair, he hasn't added Wendy's number to his phone since he deleted it the other night, I thought he'd put it back on there as soon as I'd left) - next time Wendy phones, I want him to mention me, or at the very least let me speak if I want to! He said he was ok with all that.
To be honest, I want to give him an ultimatum about wendy, but I don't know what I want him to tell her. I won't stop him seeing her completely though, because I'm not like that.
If it was me I would pick up the box of stuff and tell him never to call me again, but we all see things differently and I appreciate that you have feelings invested in this relationship which makes it more complex than that. Just promise you will look after your own interests, please, because I can assure you that this is exactly what he is doing (and will continue to do).
This really is his final chance - if I don't see an improvement, I'm leaving. He knows it, and he knows I mean it, trust me.
If I were Phil and i wanted to say something to Wendy, id say look, this has got to stop, im seeing someone, im very happy with her, and this is jeapordising it. We havent known each other long, so I think its best we just dont contact each other.
You do realise he wont do it though. This will drag on and on.
I know you've probably got an idea that I'm weak-willed and some little sap that'll let her man get away with murder, but I'm really not. Like I said before I'm happy enough being single, so if this shit carries on I'll end it. This is Phil's final chance - I've made that clear to him and that's why I've kept my bags packed - as a kind of visual reminder.
I'm not going to suggest he stops seeing her, because that'll just end in him feeling bitter towards me for losing him a friend. He said earlier that he doesnt have that many friends as it is (he got lots of mates, but only a few really close friends), which is why I wouldn't tell him to stop seeing Wendy. I know if Phil tried to stop me seeing any of my male friends I'd tell him where to go.
I'll suggest the rest of what you said to him though, he does seem to be listening to what I'm saying and taking it in, now I've just got to wait and see if he acts on it.
He phoned me just now and I told him that this proves he has more feelings for wendy than me - he said it's not true, that he loves me but he's "disappointed" in me (omg!). He reckons he's not going to contact wendy at all now, this way he gets to be on his own and no one wins but himself.
I'm confused, and not sure whether I'm relieved or gutted! No idea what to say to him later, either.
Dont fall for it. I think you should be relieved, although its understandable youd be upset too. Be more upset because someone you cared about was unworthy.
As for not contacting wendy - what about her contacting him. I bet thatll be different, and if he could do it for his own reasons, why couldnt he do it for you?
I'm trying not to over analyse, because a few times when we've argued he's said that he tries to put people off him - he'll make his gf's lives miserable (not deliberately) and keep picking petty fights, then eventually it'll work and they leave - then he regrets it afterwards.
His last text to me said (about this thread; I said I had to do it, to make him see how he was treating me) "yeah but you did it kaz. It was wrong. I can't forget, soz it's hard".
I really don't know what to do now...I don't wanna split with him :no:
If he could cut contact with wendy, we'd be fine. Maybe I should suggest it?
Or should I just cut my losses and forget it? I'm not going to beg him to take me back...
It's just a bit raw atm, and he's the first guy I've ever loved, so you know. I'm sure I'll be ok tomorrow...
Wish I knew whether he meant it though or was just trying to mess with my head!
I don't think I'd cut contact with him - never have with any of my other exes, we've stayed friends. Plus I've got to like his mum and his friends, so I'd like to visit them once in a while if I could.
I felt at home at his place, fitted in with his family... but what can you do?
I'll get over it