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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Well first day back to uni, didn't exactly go well (Im retaking the year and thus dont know anyone) I manged to talk to exactly one person in the one and only lecture I had. Then comes the main event of the day where the returning members of the band get together. I dont know what it is but heres what basically happened. I arrive quite early as I normally do so everyone else is coming in going 'Hi' and whatnot to everyone else and talking with each other and then theres me just sat in a chair on the side watching. So i dont know if its just me or what but it kind of hurt abit just to be watching everyone else chatting and so on. Maybe its just because im rapidly heading for one of my low periods or whatever but it still doesn't explain it.

Anyway after that little experience im just really depressed and im just wondering why oh why do I even bother.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You bother because the alternative is worse. You have to be the one to make an effort, nobody is going to do it for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It can be hard not knowing anyone when others are in their little cliques. I started my undergraduate in the second year, because i had a HND. All other unis fast track you to the third, but for some reason mine didn't! Anyway, by then the social cliques were well established and as hard as i tried to integrate with new people i always felt like the outsider. Fortunatly i met another person like me and we became friends. University is overrated, but it's a means to an end. Get your head down and study, passing your degree should be much more important that having an active social life. It was for me at least.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You could have not been sitting on the chair buddy.

    Man my first day back was a little bit rubbish too. I've got last years timetable, so I'm laughed at by a load of politics students for being in the wrong room and then arrive 10mins late to my first lecture. Good work for me, my mates will be calling me muppet for a good 6 weeks. Just don't forget the fresher's fair this weekend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well to be honest the reson I was siting in the chair was because I had already exhausted my repotoire(sp?) of questions so conversations kind of went:
    Me: Hi, Hows your summer?
    person: oh fne fine. You?
    me: oh its was alright didn;t do much.
    person:Yeah. *turns around and leaves*

    so once that was over there wasn't exactly alot else to say.
    I know I should have tried to say something I just dont know what.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You know, you can add in at the end of "didn't do much" the question, "what did you get up to?"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep! It doesn't have to be highly sophisticated what you're discussing. And often it's better to mention something you did because it might give the other person some reason to spend more time asking. Often if people say 'oh, not much going on' I get kinda 'eh, okay' and just want to leave them be.

    Also, it's better to try to empower yourself and find something to do in your spare time/summer, even if it doesn't work out as plan you still tried and can laugh about it with your mates later on.

    Do ask your friends if they want to do something with you. I never really used to initiate something, always told myself I couldn't think of anything and that my ideas were shit anyway, blah blah blah more excuses. Then halfway through this summer I swore I'd do something about it, and even if I was working every single day of the week, I was all over the place doing random stuff with my friends. Just last weekend I in some act of desperation asked my friend who's never listened to Drum'n Bass if she was willing to come to an event with me (I hadn't gone either) and taking me by surprise she said yes and we had the best evening together in long long time!

    You really need to put your life on the line. It's scary as hell, but it's the only way you'll get the benefits. And what great benefits they are! I've worked so hard the past three years to set my life straight and it's by far the hardest thing I have ever done (I'll never ever say it was easy!), but now I am so grateful for everything I have.

    One thing that *really* helped me when I was at my lowest was to buy a small empty book and write a diary of everything I perceived as positive, no matter how small or insignificant it was. I wrote down if a shop assistant smiled at me! If my mum let me borrow her car, anything that could be viewed as positive. I didn't expect anything, but almost immediately my brain turned from a pessimist to a flaming optimist. This was one of the biggest life changing things I've done! I'm not joking, ever since I keep finding all those awesome things going on in my life. I successfully brainwashed myself. :shocking:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I usually would rather skin myself alive with a dull plastic knife than talk to random people but being so very lonely I decided to suck it up and at least try to talk to people. I find good pieces of conversation, especially ones that require the person to talk back, to be... (or something similar to)

    What other classes are you taking?
    What are you majoring in?
    Is this your first year here? (that then can be taken to, first year of school? did you transfer here?)
    Where abouts do/did you live?

    Questions that require answers taht keep the conversation and at the same time you kind of get to know somebody.

    I know it can be really really really really hard. I had a decade of therapy for it. Of course things are still hard, but it helps. Have you ever though of something like that to help?

    But as Jaloux said, your there because the alternative could be worse. Unless you do want to be a janitor ;)

    Deep breaths.

    Why do you find it hard to talk to people? I learned the best way to overcome things is to find out why they are happening. From there you can start to change.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do they know you're re-sitting?

    I re-sat my first year and every fucker treated me like the fountain of all knowledge, as if I'd actually been to more than five classes first time around :no:

    Seriously, just yap to people. It might seem fucking weird, but take a deep breath and ask questions and stuff.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @ Jaloux: Thanks I will give it a go. As for going out and doing random stuff, well I really dont know anyone well enough to do that. But will keep a note of it just incase.

    @ my_name: Im not entirely sure therapy would be the way to go seems a little extreme.

    Why do you find it hard to talk to people? I will try to explain as best I can what I think it is although words and writing have never been my forte. What happens as far as I can tell when I talk to someone is my mind just freezes and I cant think of anything, then I start to mess up my words, then I get embaressed, then the something starts: run away, run, look the doors over there, run you fool. So what im thinking is that i dont want to talk to people so as to avoid this happening and avoid the feelings of utter uselessness I get afterwards.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firefly-86 wrote:
    Well first day back to uni, didn't exactly go well (Im retaking the year and thus dont know anyone) I manged to talk to exactly one person in the one and only lecture I had. Then comes the main event of the day where the returning members of the band get together. I dont know what it is but heres what basically happened. I arrive quite early as I normally do so everyone else is coming in going 'Hi' and whatnot to everyone else and talking with each other and then theres me just sat in a chair on the side watching. So i dont know if its just me or what but it kind of hurt abit just to be watching everyone else chatting and so on. Maybe its just because im rapidly heading for one of my low periods or whatever but it still doesn't explain it.

    Anyway after that little experience im just really depressed and im just wondering why oh why do I even bother.

    I feel for you. I started in march with uni, which is the second semester. Meaning, I tried to understand and follow lectures of on of the most difficult studies, even tho I did not have any prerequisite for that lectures.

    I did not understand jack shit, felt eternally dumb, had noone to talk, was physically ill, because of the stress all the time and whatnot.

    Now I started regularly again, with a guy I knew from the ambulance back then, we were all introduced to each other, the lectures seem "really" easy now, where I already struggled with all the part 2 lectures in the summer semester and even tho it's very stressy (started yesterday and have on friday already and exam which determines if I am allowed in the labs; I need to refresh my basic grammar school knowledge, cuz haven't been to school for >2 years and maths is hard and the teacher teaches in light speed), it seems as if I am getting along.

    I had a little hanky-panky with a girl last semester and that brought me pretty down too. I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend now, since I hardly have any time, and that a heartache of any kind would totally throw me off-course and harms my studying.

    Make the effort dude. You won't stay in university if you remain on your own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Out of interest, I thought you did Mech Eng, how did you only have one lecture?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh it sounds so familiar. Some helpful things I was told, just something to think about. I guess the easiest way to explain it is to pretend to be in their shoes. What would you *really* think if somebody was talking to you. Would you automatically think, god I wish they would go away. More than likely, what you are imaginng the other people to think about you is a very distorted often untrue vision. So if nerves of people judging are a factor, in the end, its most likely not true or real. Also, you could repeat conversations to yourself before you say them, like practice. It may sound stupid but it can be very helpfull. Being prepared is always a plus. Most people get nerves to one point or another when talking to somebody new or having new experiences, just the degree of them and if they hinder your life is the main part. Everybody gets nervous, the people you are talking to may be thinking the same thing as you, oh god, I sound like an idiot, I just messed up some words, let me run away... If you mess up, just have a chuckle about it, laughing is a good ice breaker too.
    Oh I'm horrible at explaining things, maybe I"ll get you my shrink to rewrite this for me :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Out of interest, I thought you did Mech Eng, how did you only have one lecture?
    Well Im retaking the year. This means I dont have to take the modules I passed first time round. So instead of doing the 5 or 6 modules everyone else is doing im doing 3.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh right, so what are you taking?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One thing that *really* helped me when I was at my lowest was to buy a small empty book and write a diary of everything I perceived as positive, no matter how small or insignificant it was.

    I have seen this advice given a fair bit, but always kind of thought to brush past it (I can get quite tongue tied around new ppl at times too and it gets to me occasionally =d)...

    Was it just something you did then read each morning to give yourself a positive kick for the day?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Actually I talked to a few girls on day one (if they already registered for the labs, if they know in which auditorium the next lecture is taking place, etc., and I found out, that they from time to time come back to you for more convo.

    Maybe it's a "breaking the ice" thing, but if you show "hey, I am not gonna eat you (out), when you talk to me." [sorry had to add the brackets for comedy value], they are usually more comfortable to come back to you and ask you stuff or anything.

    Since they SEEMS to be pretentious bitches, who figuratively eat you up when you GOT THE CHEEK to talk to them, everyone might be a bit careful....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    oh right, so what are you taking?

    Im redoing in the first semester Engineering dynamics Thermodynamics and Control, and int he second semester engineering mechanics, Heat transfer+ fluid flow, and Electrical power and machines.

    So all the fun subjects. I passed all the project work and other modules last year so only these to concentrate on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    Actually I talked to a few girls on day one (if they already registered for the labs, if they know in which auditorium the next lecture is taking place, etc., and I found out, that they from time to time come back to you for more convo.

    Maybe it's a "breaking the ice" thing, but if you show "hey, I am not gonna eat you (out), when you talk to me." [sorry had to add the brackets for comedy value], they are usually more comfortable to come back to you and ask you stuff or anything.

    Since they SEEMS to be pretentious bitches, who figuratively eat you up when you GOT THE CHEEK to talk to them, everyone might be a bit careful....
    The thing is that because im not starting right over in the first year where no-one knows each other, people already have their kind of groups of friends. So the only way I can see that im going to talk to people from my course is through the labs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you should've got off the chair and spoke to people. people aren't likely to think you're a very sociable/chatty person if you're sat on your tod not making an effort so are less likely to approach you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it just takes far more effort for some people than it does for others, I guess it's hard to understand unless you've experienced it yourself
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    muse- wrote:
    it just takes far more effort for some people than it does for others, I guess it's hard to understand unless you've experienced it yourself

    I know it's hard, but now ask yourself?

    Hop over your shadow, make the effort, or don't even try, be determined to fail to get to know people, be miserable and probably quit uni?

    I think it's not hard to answer this question. So if you know already what's gotta be done...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote:
    I know it's hard, but now ask yourself?

    Hop over your shadow, make the effort, or don't even try, be determined to fail to get to know people, be miserable and probably quit uni?

    I think it's not hard to answer this question. So if you know already what's gotta be done...

    oh yeah you're right....

    but if it was as simple as "get up and make the effort", he wouldn't be asking. He was saying he doesn't know what to say when he DOES make the effort.. then it makes him feel like shit afterwards (and obviously less motivated to try next time)!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    muse- wrote:
    oh yeah you're right....

    but if it was as simple as "get up and make the effort", he wouldn't be asking. He was saying he doesn't know what to say when he DOES make the effort.. then it makes him feel like shit afterwards (and obviously less motivated to try next time)!

    I think you gave the nail a good headache there.

    I mean If I know Im going to be talking to some stranger then I generally attempt to prepare what im going to say. Of course this isnt fool proof because there are always questions that can come up which I havent accounted for. Things start to get messy when I hit a conversation blind, even if it is with someone I half know it just kind of ends in an awkward silence (or at lest awkward for me I have no idea what the other persons thinking) which leaves me thinking that should have been me talking there, which of course it wasn't because I cant think of anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Only one of my classes has been a bit iffy. The other one's we all got along pretty well, bit weird saying hi to someone you don't know but the conversation flows easily and unless you're going to uni from home, you're bound to know other people there so you're not a complete loner like.
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