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helo me out!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
i'm going to a mad party where theres a joke telling session ...i need some jokes.
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"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
The others are funny but a bit :eek2:
"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
:thumb:
That is godawful but hilarious!
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
Ok then...
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
it's a good job the party i'm going to is a hells angels one and not the womens institute is all i can say!
cheers nio ...:thumb:
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
it turned into a field
ok i'l get my coat.....
A quarter pounder with cheese.
One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"
The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"
The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.
"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman
"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"
Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
Because she had no arms.
Hmm... all I shall do is post this.
And of course, tell one of my favourites of all time...
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!:p
Me in my lucky blue coat.
Let's not turn this into another closed jokes thread, eh?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my granddad...
Not kicking and screaming like his passengers
The Chinese says..."Why not?"
The Jew replies..."Because the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbour"
The Chinaman replies..."That was the Japanese!"
The Jew says..."Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, you are all the same to me."
The Chinaman sits down and has another drink and turns around to the Jew to say..."I don't like Jews."
The Jew asks why and the Chinaman replies..."The Jews sank the Titanic!"
The Jew replies..."The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
The Chinaman says.."Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, you are all the same to me!"
Sounds like fun...
The only thing they had was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzo.
Very bad Kaff.
Haha - that's my new favourite joke. My old favourite was:
Why did the baker's hands smell?
Cause he kneaded a poo.
The coming of the Lord.