If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Corny Jokes
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
Please post!!
Anyway to start off...
I went to a seafood nightclub and I pulled a mussel.
AHAHAHAHA oh yes
Anyway to start off...
I went to a seafood nightclub and I pulled a mussel.
AHAHAHAHA oh yes
0
Comments
A man wears trousers, a dog pants.
Ouch!
A man walked into a Pole...
His name was Igor.
A paratrooper goes to his commander and says "Sir, what do I do if my chute won't open?"
"Take it back to supplies and get a new one!"
Girl 1: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Girl 2: If you supply the whips.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
:razz:
-A frog in the mixer.
What kind of creatures live in Big Ben?
The Mouses of Parliament.
Have this. ;p I loved it.
What was the last thing to go through Hitler's mind before he died?
A 7.65 Walther round.
Ilene
What do you call an asian woman with one leg?
Irene.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, he won't come anyways.
What do you call a guy with no legs and no legs that likes to swim?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms that likes to play baseball?
First base.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome".
"Is it common"?
"It's not unusual".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I rang up a local building firm.
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been Promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said
'I careered off the road!
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift? "
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bare (Said like bear)
Bare bum!!! *start laughing*
You can't beat the late great Tommy Cooper. The one-line king of comedy.
Agreed. :thumb:
My dad told me this one...
you:I've got a knock knock joke for you
other person: ok
you: you go first
other person: knock knock
you: whos there
other person: confused
hahahaha
Its butt.
hahahaha
How do you put a giraffe ina refrigerator?
Open the door and put him in.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigrator?
Take the giraffe out and put him in.
When the lion king has his meeting, what animal doesn't show up?
The elephant cuz its in the refrigerator.
How do you cross aligator infested waters?
Just walk across cuz the aligators are at the lions meeting.
hahahahahaha
Oh heart attack.
A stick!
-A set of drums.
-Knock, knock
-Who's there?
-Little ol' lady.
-Liddle ol' lady who?
-I didn't know you could yodel
(I don't really see how "Liddle ol' lady who" sounds like yodelling, but anyway)
-What do you call a group of castrated and transgendered super-heroes?
-Ex-men.
A nun who has fallen downt he stairs!
Two OLD Generals sitting in a retirement home talking about old times.
First General: "Ever serve in Burma?"
Second General: "No, sir, never sent there."
First General: "Was fantastic, i used to go Hunting with the company boy!"
Second General: "Really, sir?"
First General: "Aye, i did. One time i put my head through a hedge and saw a Tiger...WHOOOOSH! Shit myself!"
Second General: "I don't blame you sir, if i saw a Tiger i would have shit myself too!"
First General: "What? No! Not then, just now when i went WHOOOSH, I shit myself!"
a newspaper
- Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
- Well, you see, the man answered, "the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and killed instantly."
- Really! the bystander said eagerly. "Think I might borrow him for a day or so?"
- Sure, responded the man, "but you'll have to go to the back like everyone else".
Not really corny, but it made me laugh alot.
thats a goodun
-What's blue and yellow at the bottom of the pool?
-A kid with a ripped up lifesaver.
-What's red and yellow on the surface of the pool?
-A lifesaver with a ripped up kid.