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Relationships and money

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is kind of a morality question, I think.

Do you think it's right for someone to keep some money to one side, without telling their partner? Now if you both suddenly need money for something (house repairs or a baby), how would it feel finding out about the secret finances of your partner?

Or how about any other secret for that matter?

Idealy it might seem easy to say secrets are bad, but...
Imagine the point of view of a woman who kept some money to oneside, and is more easily able to escape a violent husband.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Money is irrelevant when it comes to love in my opinion... what is mine is her and what is her is mine... a relationship is about sharing, the money is for the couple and not for the the individual... money is just money, love is more important... hiding money is being dishonest and it hasn't had any a place in love...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't and wouldn't have a problem with keeping something aside financially in a relationship, I know a lot of people have the "what's mine is ours" mentality and I can understand that to an extent, but I wouldn't feel less loved or secure if my signifigant other wanted to keep a reserve of cash for whatever reason. In fact, I'd probably encourage it.

    But then that is probably because I'd want to do the same myself -- I can't say how I'll feel in the future but at the moment I really can't imagine being in the position where I would want to submit all my money to the joint coffer. I think I'd be very uneasy having no independent financial source whatsoever, and I think it would cause problems for me if my partner had a problem with that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that as long as there is enough money to pay rent/bills and to buy essentials like food and stuff for the house etc, then I see no harm in each partner having their own money from what is left over, to spend/save as they wish.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it depends on the relaionship and the people in it. Most people I know in relationships dont pool their money, but i always have and always will. It wouldnt feel like a proper team otherwise to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I can relate to the opinions of briggi and FireFly85.

    In that as long as there is enough money to pay the bills, and even some joint savings, that its fair to keep some money aside.

    With regards to what scarlettleeds mentioned, I agree that its a potential minefield in a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think it is fine. I save money my boyfriend doesn't know how much. But i don't try to hide it from him and if there were ever to be a pressing need I would spend it on 'us'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have and would keep my money secret in a relationship (depending on the seriousness). My ex's have never known about the inheritance that I received a few years ago (I'm not a millionaire or anything by the way before you gold diggers come out of the woodwork). I suppose if it was a serious relationship where we were madly in love then I would share that information, but I've never been in that situation anyway so I've never had to make the choice. I believe couples should share and look after each other financially and emotionally but I would always keep our bank accounts separate. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm poor. Like, I'm stupidly low on money and it's not even funny. And my parents can't afford to help out, either. However, I happen to know that my ex had saved up tens of thousands. Currently, the guy I'm seeing knows that I'm upset and worried about money constantly but he doesn't understand the situation I'm in because he's never been even close to being short of money.

    But basically... it's not an issue. If I was living with someone it would be enough for me to know that we could get by. If he had savings that I didn't know about, that's fair enough. I think only in marriage everything should be shared, because you're living and doing everything together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    IWishIWas wrote:
    I'm poor. Like, I'm stupidly low on money and it's not even funny. And my parents can't afford to help out, either. However, I happen to know that my ex had saved up tens of thousands. Currently, the guy I'm seeing knows that I'm upset and worried about money constantly but he doesn't understand the situation I'm in because he's never been even close to being short of money.

    But basically... it's not an issue. If I was living with someone it would be enough for me to know that we could get by. If he had savings that I didn't know about, that's fair enough. I think only in marriage everything should be shared, because you're living and doing everything together.

    Well see this is one of the exceptions I was talking about because if you were my partner than I would certainly share my money to help you out I wouldn't keep it hidden in that circumstance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well see this is one of the exceptions I was talking about because if you were my partner than I would certainly share my money to help you out I wouldn't keep it hidden in that circumstance.

    Totally, I was backing you up :cool:

    I'm just rubbish at remembering to do the whole quoting thing goin on! Tee hee!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's different if you rent/own a house together, but otherwise don't really see the need to have a shared bank account, take it in turns to pay for stuff, like meals out etc and have your own money to spend on what you want.
    I've lent my boyfriend like £700 odd pounds at a time before for a new car, and while i knew i wouldn't get it all back for a couple of months i would have been quite bummed if he hadn't of paid it back at all considering i was the one in college, and him with the full time job! Odd twentys and stuff is different and i'm not too fussed about that because we pay for each others stuff quite a bit, but large(r) amounts i think is a bit different, unless of course it is for something for the both of you like a new kitchen/washing machine etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm really bad about it being my money. I pay for stuff, I loan money, I chip in for things....but at the end of the day it's my money and I want to be the only person with access to it.

    I'm probably just a selfish sod.........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My mother has money aside which she uses to buy herself nice things or usually she saves for a new sofa, or tv and stuff aside from the shared account. My dad also has his own stash of cash.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i didnt tink it bad like jsut in case anyting eva happened. like u never know what happens behind closed doors
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My problem wouldn't be keeping the money to one side, my problem would be the secrecy. If you are together for the long haul then you simply DON'T keep secret stashes of cash without telling your partner, it's completely unethical and for me it would destroy all trust in the relationship.

    If they can't even tell me about their piggy bank, what else are they hiding from me? What is the secret money actually buying, if it isn't stuff for me or my house? And I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner decided she needed to keep a secret escape hatch open.

    I do keep a source of money for myself, but its not much, just pocket money, and my salary only goes into my sole account to stop the bank moaning at me. For us its a joint account, joint finances and joint liability.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wouldn't mind them having their own money at all....but why the secrecy?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel that my partner and I are both entitled to our own money, which we've earnt, this is mainly because he's in a full time job, and I'm in a part time job, so I would feel bad. We don't keep our money a secret though, we regularly compare payslips! It would make me question several things if he was keeping stashes a secret from me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a uni student so, maybe this proves my immaturity, I dont know. But I assume a lot of people have some dark secret or another. Its just that I thought a secret stash of money might not be as bad as other possibilities.

    Now obviously I'm not talking about any of my prospective family going without anything they want or need. But sometimes the shit can hit the fans, and planning for it cant be a bad thing right?

    Say my wife leaves me, or I need to pay a lawyer for something important (maybe even secret). It it wrong to plan for such things?

    I assume my wife will be working and have her own income, so its not like I'm stealing her share or anything, am I?

    I've gotten a mostly negative response, so I'm seriously thinking about whether its a bad idea to begin with.
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