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follow the heart or the mind?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was in hospital in April last year. My boyfriend was there with me (he was the only one who came to see me in hospital as I live away from my family (they're in Malaysia, I'm in the UK) and all of my friends were on holiday). On the 3rd day I was there, I was told by the matron that I was pregnant. That was so difficult for me to take in because I was raped the previous November and realised that the only person the father of this baby could be was a rapist. Lots of things were going through my mind and I was really quite hysterical so I rang my boyfriend, who had just left the hopsital to go for a cricket practice up to ask him to come back cos I really didn't know what to do, told him what I was just told but he refused. I begged him to come back to the hopsital, or at least just speak to me and he just wouldn't do it. I felt so abandoned and so worthless. Its been almost a year and I still can't understand why it was so easy for him to just leave me in hospital while I was going through hell that day. 12 hours later, they told me I wasn't pregnant, it was a mistake. Everytime I ask my boyfriend why he didn't bother coming back to just be there for me and hold my hand, all he can say is 'well at least it was a mistake, you weren't really pregant' I don't know if any of that made sense, and I'm sorry if it didn't. I just don't understand how anyone could do that, leave someone they apparently cared about alone when they were needed the most? Am I over-reacting? We've been together for 3 years now and although I love to him pieces and he makes me happier than I ever thought I could be, I feel I have so little self-respect to feel so much love for someone who left me when I needed him the most. My mind tells me the right thing to do is to leave him but my heart wants him so bad, which is the most wise?
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Comments
He probably feels really badly, and confused, about the sheer hatred he felt, and wont want to discuss it with you. He may find counselling over your rape beneficial, but getting him to go - even suggesting it - could be very difficult.
Yes, it was unfortunate that he wasn't able to be there for you, but this is a pretty special case, so I would recommend you don't treat it as indicative of how he would treat you in other circumstances.
OP - I agree with Big Gay. He was obviously going to be scared, so don't use it as an indication of how much he cares about you.
good advice.
sounds like this was a one off, and under exceptional circumstances, so i wouldn't use it as a basis for judging him as a person.
i don't know many men who wouldn't freak out if they found out their girl was pregnant with a baby of a man who violated them.
All of that really helped. My counsellor has tried giving me advice about it, but what Big Gay said was the best advice I've been given. I've been going over this issue for almost a year and ive just got a whole new perspective of it, which is great. we had a really long talk about it over the weekend, and i feel like i can really move on from this now. thanks so much for all the great help!
Thanks also for letting us know how it turned out