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drug-taking boyfriend
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 5 months. I wouldn't say his drug-taking is out of control but it's beginning to make me re-think the relationship.
Every weekend he goes out and gets smashed, he'll take 5-10 pills in one night, do shed loads of coke, mdma..whatevers going. He goes through at least 2 grams of coke a week and smokes weed constantly all day. I'm not sure exactly why it bothers me, I guess it's cos it makes him moody sometimes and he complains about having no money. Plus I'm just worried about his health I guess. I never realised how addictive weed was until I saw how angry he was when he couldn't get any.
Admittedly, I was aware of this when we started going out, although not the extent of it. It didn't really bother me because I understand he works all week (whereas I'm at uni) and wants to have a good time at the weekend. It suits me too because I want to do the same, although not quite as much..
Thing is, I don't really want to tell him to change, I don't feel I have the right as we have such different lifestyles and have been brought up in completely different environments. I just don't like the fact that sometimes if we go out for a quiet drink or something, he feels the need to snort coke every 10 minutes. I have mentioned this to him and I know he'd do anything for me, but I can't really see it changing.
I guess I'm asking is it wrong to interfere? I'm just worried that half the time he's not in touch with reality and it makes me think I deserve more.
Every weekend he goes out and gets smashed, he'll take 5-10 pills in one night, do shed loads of coke, mdma..whatevers going. He goes through at least 2 grams of coke a week and smokes weed constantly all day. I'm not sure exactly why it bothers me, I guess it's cos it makes him moody sometimes and he complains about having no money. Plus I'm just worried about his health I guess. I never realised how addictive weed was until I saw how angry he was when he couldn't get any.
Admittedly, I was aware of this when we started going out, although not the extent of it. It didn't really bother me because I understand he works all week (whereas I'm at uni) and wants to have a good time at the weekend. It suits me too because I want to do the same, although not quite as much..
Thing is, I don't really want to tell him to change, I don't feel I have the right as we have such different lifestyles and have been brought up in completely different environments. I just don't like the fact that sometimes if we go out for a quiet drink or something, he feels the need to snort coke every 10 minutes. I have mentioned this to him and I know he'd do anything for me, but I can't really see it changing.
I guess I'm asking is it wrong to interfere? I'm just worried that half the time he's not in touch with reality and it makes me think I deserve more.
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Comments
You could always try sitting him down and explaining how much you care for him and want him to care for himself.
Casual drug taking is fine but if it gets to the point that you cant even go for a quiet drink with the missus without taking a load of coke says to me theres a problem...
I agree...
Although I wouldnt jump on him about it, you will have to do it a very clam laid back mannor, otherwise he will just get defencive about it!
But something needs to be said, its for his own health!
Yeah, thinking about it, it's usually just when there's other people having a drink with us, so maybe it's a confidence issue. In fact it probably is because he admits he was doing it the first couple of times he went out with me because of nerves.
His mates don't smoke weed. They do pills at the weekend and a bit of coke when they can get it but thats all.
I will try talking to him again and see what he says. It's just hard because I feel like I'm ruining his enjoyment or something and he'll think I'm being controlling.
You will need to pick your moment carefully however (which im sure you already know but just thought id mention anyway) because you dont want to come accross as controling. Even though what you are asking is for his health he probably wont see things that way and you will most likely just be 'trying to stop him having any fun' or something equally ludacrous.
Surely he must be able to see he has a problem himself if he is taking stuff all the time even on his own when his mates arent doing anything...
If he's combining coke & e at the weekend in large quantities then that's something worth bringing up. Dangerous combination & pointless because coke cancels out E.
He will probably cut down by himself once it gets boring, but you should certainly talk to him. Doing those amounts and combinations is a BAD idea, physically & psychologically.
I wouldn't worry about the weed though. Smoking every day after work isn't really a massive deal - spending 8 hours or whatever a day as a worker drone needs countered with something relaxing afterwards. And likewise, most people get bored of it of their own accord.
same with drink ...if your drug of choice is effectingyour life emotionaly or financialy ...you have a problem.
he has a problem full stop.
but ...he'll be in denial about it.
Taking any drug comes along with some bit of danger and she was worried I'd screw myself up. It's interesting because when she used drugs she told me and I got kind of mad - I was worried for her own health (and judgement)..
Confonting him about his use might be a good idea, especially if it bothers you. That's what relationships are all about right? - constantly growing together and compromising?
To avoid arguments, tell him he should stop because you want him too. Try not to throw around "addicted", it tends to cause denial. Tell him you want him to stop because it's getting mixed into your relationship too much and make the point that you care about his health, but don't make that your leading argument because he'll shoot it down and disreguard it.
Over the months it bothered me more and more, the more time he started spending going out and getting stoned the more we drifted apart. In the end he dumped me to go and get stoned more often.
Some time passed and we met up a year and a half later and he'd sorted himself out completley. He'd taken the time to hit rock bottom himself, with no money, no girlfriend, all his social life revolving around smoking gear and taking pills. He gave up. Simple as.
If you try and lecture someone about their drug taking they will not take it well, they need to find out for themselves how crap their life can become when they hit the bottom. Not even a person who's been through it previously, like myself, can get the message across.
It turned out that all his friends hated me and thought I was a loser because I didn't take drugs. And now three years on, we're back together, moving in together next week, all his friends from back then have come through it all and now see my point of view and appear to have a respect for me now.
We haven't stopped taking drugs per se, we are limited in what we do though. We don't touch pot, I believe in my heart of hearts that is the evilest thing in the world. Pills and coke are weekend drugs but pot is a day to day lifestyle.
Don't give your boyfriend an ultimatum. Explain to him that you are concerned but try not to lecture him because that will probably drive him away. If it really bothers you that much take a break, just because he wants to get stoned all the time doesn't mean he has the right to inflict it on you.
Until he gets to the point where he's totally paranoid he's probably not going to stop.
I hope this is of some help. If you want to ask any questions PM me
:no: He should stop because he wants to, because the consequences of not stopping in his own way and time are more important to his long term happiness than the short term pleasure he gets from using.
Personally I think the advice about gently explaining how it is affecting you, getting it out in the open without making any demands, and listening to your boyfriends reasons, is the best way to go. Just be aware of where you are prepared to draw the line personally about his drug use, and don't cross it. You can't really control his behaviour, so you have to know what you are and aren't prepared to accept...
obviously this wasnt the right way of thinking at all and ive wised up a fair bit since then, but i know plenty of people who have been the same, just seems to be something you grow out of and learn the hard way
im not sure but this probably applies to a lot of males
...also, Spliffie made some very good points as well, particularly about the pointlessness of coke and X and the amount of his day that is spent using drugs. I'm a pretty moderate user myself, but I set limits on time and money spent on drugs. When you spend 8 hours at work distracted and irritated that you haven't had something in your system for 8 hours, drugs are controlling your life...
not really. it's a comparable situation to when a social drinker has an acoholic partner.
Yes, exactly. I'm only a light user and I enjoy it, so I don't think I'm being hypocritical in wanting him to cut down. Of course if it helped him and he wanted me to, I would totally quit doing any kind of drug.
Thanks for all the advice guys, it's been really helpful. I have spoken to him, kept away from any ultimatums as I know for a fact he hates that. He's promised to cut down on the weed and the coke, in fact he hasn't had any coke in nearly a week. The weed is probably what bothers me the most, just because it's a daily reliance that he's had for years and years.
I think it's come as a bit of a shock because he's been so used to it. He was with a girl for 5 years who got wasted alot of the time with him and he admits there was no reason to give anything up, but I think he sees my points.
At the end of the day, the impact on his health does worry me. He looks a state at the weekends and although I love him it makes me wonder how I got with someone like that. At the same time, he encourages me to do more and more drugs at the weekend - I have total self-control and know my limits and he's not pressurising, but at the same time I wonder why he does it, and I don't want it affecting my studies. Although it sounds stupid, sometimes I feel inferior to his ex or any girl he meets whos a complete drug-head because he goes on about how sound they are for ages.
Believe me, it's NOT stupid to feel that way! I think most people feel that way at some time or another. It's hard NOT to feel stupid when someone across from you is shooting unspoken daggers at you; oh God, they've only taken 3 lines and they're out of it already? or all they do is weed? what a fucking lightweight!
Just remember, having less experiance with drugs does not make you inferior in any way. What you wish to put into your body is your business and no one else's. I would suggest bringing along some other light/occasional users with you next time to ease the feeling of being a third wheel.
Just don't let it get you down! :razz: