Is it selfish to have kids after a certain age?

Former Member · March 2006

Some of my friends were discussing this, that its selfish to have kids after say...mid thirties? But in this day and age people are having kids later and later. One of my friends parents divorced and her mum had another baby when she was 39 and her dad had another kid when he was 44. Is it selfish as the kids will end up with old parents or doesn't it matter as long as you're a good parent?
A guy at my primary school had a dad in his 80s!

Sorry, this might end up in P&D but we'll see where it goes...

Former Member · March 2006

I don't understand how/why it is selfish...

A 60some year old woman had a baby last week, so her other son of 3 years could have a play mate. Weird but still can't see the selfishness in it.

Former Member · March 2006

if you are really old and your parents will die whilst your still a child then i think its selfish.

If you will be an old parent then i cant see a problem, shurly its better to have parents for only a short while that really want and are ready for a child, than parents that will be around for a large portion of your life but are not ready for a child.

saying that there are medical problems such as increased risk of downsyndome, low birth weight but once the child is born aslong as they are good parents i cannot see the problem

Former Member · March 2006

i have a great uncle whos in his early 60's, his 2 daughters are 11 and 5! which i think is a bit unfair because the youngest probably isn't going to have him around in her adult life for very long...and he's been near death a few times.

Former Member · March 2006

Yeah I think it's horrid to do that. My friend who is the same age as me (22) has old parents and his brothers and sisters are in their 40's. His dad died a few years ago and his mum is really old. I saw him a few months ago wheeling his mums tartan granny trolley through town for her, bless, lol

Skive · March 2006

Yes.

Former Member · March 2006

my parents were 34/35 when I was born, i don't see it as selfish at all. I'm sure most kids don't either, if they get along with their parents..

I don't think there should be a set age where youre 'supposed' to have kids..thats just stupid to me

Skive · March 2006

muse- wrote:

my parents were 34/35 when I was born, i don't see it as selfish at all. I'm sure most kids don't either, if they get along with their parents..

I don't think that's too bad at all. Having kids when your 50+ is pretty selfish though - I reckon.

Former Member · March 2006

Oh... i only noticed the '39 and 44' thing, maybe 50+ is a little unfair, but as long as they're good parents...

Former Member · March 2006

My Mum had a baby when she was 40. She will be 58 when her youngest turns 18. I would like to think my Mum would still be alive at that age.

Former Member · March 2006

Better to not exist than to have old parents

Former Member · March 2006

I wouldn't like really old parents. I also think it would be very annoying for a young child to have parents who are say over 50. As a parent you should hope to see your child growing up, this isn't particularly likely for people who are relatively old.

Former Member · March 2006

mystifymysoul wrote:

I wouldn't like really old parents.

Me neither. Thankfully, I'm not in that situation - my mum was 25 and my dad was 28 when I was born.

Former Member · March 2006

my mum was 39 when i was born, which would definatly be pushing it if I were her first, but I was her last, 7 years after my nearest sibling, and completely unplanned, she did attempt to have another after me to keep me company, but it miscarried.

Former Member · March 2006

It's not really a new thing - my grandma had my mum at 40 and my aunt at 42. she couldn't have her family earlier because of the war. was that selfish? i don't think so.

i suppose there is the issue of a parent not being young and active enough to play with their kids, but does that mean that, say, a 25 year old with a minor disability shouldn't have a family?

then i guess there's the 'well they'll be dead by the time the child is 20' thing, which i guess may well be true (although my mum was 44 and my aunt 42 when my grandma died). but then people die in their 20s, and in their 30s, so a fair amount of kids wil grow up without one or the other young parent.

in the end i just don't think it's as simple as this example is right, this example is wrong. and i guess i'm just not comfortable with deciding that only perfect specimens of exactly the right age should be having kids. sometimes life just doesn't work out that way.

thirties is pretty young. forties is still ok. getting into the fifties and sixties is, yeah, probably too old to be thinking about a family, but this is the age where natural fertility tends to stop, for exactly that reason.

Former Member · March 2006

kaffrin wrote:

It's not really a new thing - my grandma had my mum at 40 and my aunt at 42. she couldn't have her family earlier because of the war. was that selfish? i don't think so.

i suppose there is the issue of a parent not being young and active enough to play with their kids, but does that mean that, say, a 25 year old with a minor disability shouldn't have a family?

then i guess there's the 'well they'll be dead by the time the child is 20' thing, which i guess may well be true (although my mum was 44 and my aunt 42 when my grandma died). but then people die in their 20s, and in their 30s, so a fair amount of kids wil grow up without one or the other young parent.

in the end i just don't think it's as simple as this example is right, this example is wrong. and i guess i'm just not comfortable with deciding that only perfect specimens of exactly the right age should be having kids. sometimes life just doesn't work out that way.

thirties is pretty young. forties is still ok. getting into the fifties and sixties is, yeah, probably too old to be thinking about a family, but this is the age where natural fertility tends to stop, for exactly that reason.

:yes: Wise words, ITA.

Former Member · March 2006

Former Member · March 2006

I think it's better to have kids young if you're going to have them. If that's impossible, up to 40 or so isn't too bad but beyond that people should probably have a long think before having children, particularly if they aren't in especially robust health.

My girlfriend’s father is very old – into his ‘80s now – and what with all the stuff people go through in their teens and twenties getting their lives sorted out, having the additional burden of frail, elderly parents to look after and worry about can be a little too much.

Former Member · March 2006

I think it's better to have kids when your younger although not sure about it being selfish.

My mum had me when she was 19, and now i'm nearly 20 and independent, my parents are still young enough to do all the things they want to do.

Former Member · March 2006

There’s also the fact that if you have children as late as middle age, they won’t have much of a chance to get to know their grandparents, and by the time your children get around to having their own children, you're going to be too old and doddery (or dead) to be much help.

Former Member · March 2006

My mum was 34 when I was born my dad was 33. When they had my brother they where 28/27. This year my brother will be 28, I'm going to be 22 and mum is 56 and dad will be 55.

Former Member · March 2006

i know someone whos little sis is 3, mum is about 43 and step dad is over 60. I think thats wrong, purely cos i am 20, and i think of her when shes 20 with a dad over 80 and i think of how much or a laugh me and my dad still have, and i dunno. He'll be the same age as my grandad is to me now, and i couldnt imagine my grandad being my dad, or having a laugh with me going down the pub....

Former Member · March 2006

I'm glad my mum had me when she did (28), as her mother was 40-odd when she had her, and my grandmother's slow decline over the past 5 years (she died in June last year), was awful for her.
But then again, my stepdad is 52, and his son (my half-bro) is 7. My mum had him when she was 36. But my step-dad already has a 24 year old son, and seems really young for his age, compared to other 50 year olds I know.

Tbh, I think a perfect time for kids is when you've done just about everything you wanted to do whilst in your youth. So between 30-40.

Former Member · March 2006

Former Member · March 2006

girl with sharp teeth wrote:

Ballerina I think this is a P&D thread...

What I hate is the culture of congratulating older men, such as Des O'Connor, for managing to father a child, but vilifying women for getting pregnant after a certain age. If society is going to condone or condemn, it should at least be consistent.

thats what i thought but i wasn't sure, so i thought i'd stick it in here and see where it goes...some of my other threads such as the one about men honking at women turned into a massive debate! think i'll move it...
one that came to mind was Rod Stewart...he's in his 60s i think and has had another baby with a young woman (can't remember her name but she looks just like his ex rachel hunter) it makes me wonder if it occours to him that he's old enough to be the kids grandad, its a bit unfair on the kid.

Former Member · March 2006

Ballerina wrote:

one that came to mind was Rod Stewart...he's in his 60s i think and has had another baby with a young woman (can't remember her name but she looks just like his ex rachel hunter) it makes me wonder if it occours to him that he's old enough to be the kids grandad, its a bit unfair on the kid.

Had this debate a while back when Paul McCartney's wife had a baby...

Former Member · March 2006

I wouldn't use the word 'selfish', as I think that is too strong. However, I am uncomfortable with the culture which seems to be developing of women putting off having families when they are younger in order to advance their careers and then 'expecting' help to have children in their forties. The human body is very clever and does slow fertility down when it knows it is no longer the optimum health to have children.
I wouldn't go as far as to say it was selfish though, and it obviously depends on the circumstances.

Former Member · March 2006

My mum was 26 when she had me, but my dad was 40 and i haven't suffered as a consequence. He was 64 the other week and is still in good health. With regards to not knowing your grandparents if your parents are older, i never knew my dad's parents, as tey both dies before i was born, but neither of them died jsut from 'old age', they were both ill. However i dont really think this is significant in an arguent about why it is selfish to have kids at an old age, because you could be in your 20's, and have kids, having already lost both your parents. I dont think my dad was selfish at all.

Former Member · March 2006

I think a woman having a baby at 60 is very selfish. By statistics she will only live for another 10 years. So that child will either, from a very young age be caring for someone constantly mistaken for their gran, or be orphaned. Having a kid at that age is, I, think, for purely selfish motives.

I would say anything up to 50 is OK - depends on your health, state of mind etc. My dad is 48 and my sister is two, but most people would guess he is in his late thirties. He is just physically and mentally not old. Also my step mum is only just 41, and in the same position. Just as long as you dont expect to lean on the kid for help before they are 30.

Is it selfish to have kids after a certain age?

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