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What's the point?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
In giving a shit for someone when they blatantly don't give a shit back? I've spent the best part of the past month trying to help and advise my friend, not expecting anything back, but when it comes to it he can't even realise I'm needing a hug and a talk (practically in tears in front of him, none verbal, obviously not enjoying myself). Maybe I'm selfish and expect something back, but it would be nice to know someone gives two shits about me.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i can relate to that. someone hurt me but i could see that he was a bit messed up and depressed. so i put my feelings aside and tried to help him. yet when i needed to talk about my problems he didnt care, he just wanted to moan about his. i ended up telling him to go fuck himself and i havent answered his texts since.
    self-centered git!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some people are your friends when they need you, but when you need them it is an other story...

    Giving is beautiful and generous, but don't give forever if it is to have nothing back...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    some people are selfish like that
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chaos_insomniac wrote:
    In giving a shit for someone when they blatantly don't give a shit back?

    Because you're an empathetic, caring person...sadly the same can't be said for everyone.

    Try not to let it get you down, if they can only take sympathy and advice and not pay it back in kind then they're obviously not as good a friend as you thought. Maybe they're just blinded by their own problems at the moment, but it still doesn't change the fact that you're feeling neglected by them.

    I hope you feel better this morning, PM me if you need to chat. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nihilisticmadman wrote:
    Some people are your friends when they need you, but when you need them it is an other story...

    Then they are not true friends.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes in a friendship/relationship people get stuck in 'roles', in this case your friend is stuck in the comforted role... This has happened to me before and then when I needed the roles to be reversed- it didn't happen. I nearly gave up on a friendship because of it this, then decided as it was already breaking point there'd be no harm in being blunt(er than usuall), not an ultimatum but a mental decision that I couldn't continue giving without any return. I think you may find your friend doesn't realise that the relationship's one sided, which takes the piss in itself but my advise would be to say exactly what you wrote here. Tell your friend that you feel like you're always supporting them, and you're happy too, but that you need them to notice when you could do with support yourself. Tell them that they completely missed the signs and you wanted them to listen and comfort you, because you like and trust them and their opinion and friendship is so important to you. When I did this, there was an awkward period but it worked! We are still in our supporter/supported roles but when it's needed, girl comes good- though she does need it spelling out! I'd suggest that you've always seemed so strong/wise and good at listening and advising that your friend hasn't given your vulnerability that much thought, but that if you point it out they will relish the opportunity to be there for you too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nihilisticmadman wrote:
    Some people are your friends when they need you, but when you need them it is an other story...

    Giving is beautiful and generous, but don't give forever if it is to have nothing back...
    this is very very true
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    been there and it did my head in....i dunno why i put up with it for so long!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe but some people are like that. When someone is crying in front of them they dont know what to do or how to react.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chaos_insomniac wrote:
    In giving a shit for someone when they blatantly don't give a shit back? I've spent the best part of the past month trying to help and advise my friend, not expecting anything back, but when it comes to it he can't even realise I'm needing a hug and a talk (practically in tears in front of him, none verbal, obviously not enjoying myself). Maybe I'm selfish and expect something back, but it would be nice to know someone gives two shits about me.

    Maybe he didn't realise you were upset, I wouldn't write him off completely until you have a chat and let him know you're pissed off and uspet.

    Sometimes it's not selfishness just some people aren't very perceptive about peoples feelings.

    Just a thought :wave:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    NinjaMaster wrote:
    Then they are not true friends.

    Yep they aint...

    For me there is 2 categories of friendly relationship "family" and "mates"...

    Mates are for fun... Family are for everything...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jon shouldn't get drunk and emo when he's down. *Jon slaps himself*

    I'm alright...it's just annoying when you feel down and the people you expect to be there to pick you up don't even notice because they're too self absorbed in their own situations...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nihilisticmadman wrote:
    Some people are your friends when they need you, but when you need them it is an other story...
    In other words, they're not real friends. They're just users. I've come across a fair share of these over the years. True friends are as rare as hen's teeth.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So we're all bastards in theory? :grump:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    So we're all bastards in theory? :grump:
    Who's all bastards in theory?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chaos_insomniac wrote:
    Jon shouldn't get drunk and emo when he's down. *Jon slaps himself*

    I'm alright...it's just annoying when you feel down and the people you expect to be there to pick you up don't even notice because they're too self absorbed in their own situations...

    You're right and its totally acceptable to feel like that, but sometimes friends don't notice because they don't see the signals not because they're self absorbed. I bet if you told your friends how you feel they would be very supportive and probably feel awful for not seeing how upset you are.

    All I'm saying is give them a chance to help by telling them. x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    myhumps wrote:
    You're right and its totally acceptable to feel like that, but sometimes friends don't notice because they don't see the signals not because they're self absorbed. I bet if you told your friends how you feel they would be very supportive and probably feel awful for not seeing how upset you are.

    All I'm saying is give them a chance to help by telling them. x

    The guy I was referring to knows my mental state, but he completely ignored me anyway.

    It doesn't really matter now, I guess he has a lot to deal with right now too without me adding to it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chaos_insomniac wrote:
    The guy I was referring to knows my mental state, but he completely ignored me anyway.

    It doesn't really matter now, I guess he has a lot to deal with right now too without me adding to it.

    Ok, well you can add to my problems if you like.

    Everyone deserves good friends by the way so dont put up with anything less! :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    Maybe but some people are like that. When someone is crying in front of them they dont know what to do or how to react.

    Indded (and a friend of mine would know all about this...)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chaos_insomniac wrote:
    not expecting anything back, but when it comes to it he can't even realise I'm needing a hug and a talk

    I find this blatant contradiction amusing.


    Everyone fails to be there for their friends once in a while, especially when they're stressed themselves. I did it just last week, completely inadvertantly and I wasn't even feeling bad, I was just distracted.

    Ultimately, you need to decide whether he's worth it, or not.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    So we're all bastards in theory? :grump:

    i think most of us are innately selfish...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone is different. Saying that someone isn't a real friend because they don't comfort you is insane. There are a lot of people who just simply don't know what to say or do in those times. Just because they didn't give you the attention you feel that you deserve, doesn't make them any less of a friend. Different friends provide different roles.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote:
    Who's all bastards in theory?

    I mean if good friends are really so scarce then the majority of us here must be shit friends claiming to be good friends.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote:
    I mean if good friends are really so scarce then the majority of us here must be shit friends claiming to be good friends.

    I wouldn't claim to be a good friend...I'd hope they thought of me that way, but it's up to them how they see me!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone's different. To be honest, I am very bad at comforting people. It's not something I enjoy doing.

    Also, I'm very bad at distinguishing these things, so it's not always that I choose not to comfort, but might not notice it. This I think is what a lot of people have problems with. Some people only give vague signs of discomfort, and one might not always pick them up.

    Every case is unique...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote:
    In other words, they're not real friends. They're just users. I've come across a fair share of these over the years. True friends are as rare as hen's teeth.

    That's not really fair. Some people just aren't comfortable with wet, personal talk with their pals - not part of the dynamics of the friendship. That doesn't mean they aren't 'true' friends in other ways.
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