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Should I just cut my losses?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
There seem to be a lot of relationship problems around at the moment, so maybe there's some advice/pity for this shitty situation. I pretty much got a drunk confessional phone call from my boyfriend at 4am, turns out the girl he's been texting from bed at 2am all these nights isn't just a 'friend who's having problems' after all. Apparently it didn't mean anything (but she'd threatened to tell me); it's all my fault because I'm never there for him and "what else is he supposed to do?".
I feel so stupid, and I can't even go home and sort this out properly.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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If i was in your postion then i would cut my losses...but it's easier for me to say witout the emotional attachment. By the sounds of it he is trying to turn this around on you, and blame you for his weakness. Give yourself a bit of space from him, time to think things through. But IMO, until he is man enough to admit that what he did was wrong, and is down to him, not you, then he doesn't deserve your loyalty, respect, or love
To be honest I don't actually feel all that upset, it's an overwhelming sense of stupidity. Things probably haven't been alright for weeks if not months, but I've invested so much time in him and our relationship that if I just walk away then my "emotional life" is completely bankrupt. Fundamentally, it probably is partly my fault...he works so much that I should have been making an effort to see him when he's not. It's just hard to marry the University and home life, though we've managed it somehow so far.
I can't go home until Wednesday now, so that's a good thing I suppose, enforced space. There's no way he'd come over here anticipating the wrath of a woman scorned, so I guess it's kind of mid-air until then. There's only so much arguing and explaining you can do over the phone.
I just feel idiotic, always talking about him and telling my friends/parents how great everything is. Then it's all a big fraud.
you have started doubting yourself, you are not the one who made a fatal mistake, and to be honest, id still be scared of a woman scorned, even from many miles away
to be honest, shes just as bad for letting it happen when she knew he had a girlfriend
briggi is right with her other point as well though, i mean its as if we are all having issues at the moment, or at least more so at the same time than usual
Yeah, she's to blame too but to be honest I should've known she'd take any opportunity she could get. They work together and I think she's been head over heels for him for years. She doesn't owe me any fidelity or have any duty to look after my best interests though, and he does. That doesn't mean I don't feel like scratching her eyes out, of course.
He's not what you're thinking though, some complete tart who's always off galavanting with other girls. We've had this problem once before in the past (over two years ago) and we were on/off a few times earlier in the relationship, I just thought he'd changed since then but it doesn't seem as if that's the case at all. I try to be practical about this kind of thing, and am really trying to see it for what it was, but I don't know if I'd ever be able to genuinely get over it. I suppose time will tell.
see, i knew you would find the good things to come out of this situation, that sounds like rather a fun idea
and perhaps he wont have the balls afterwards
just promise me that you wont let him bullshit you
I'll do my best. My flatmate has warned me that if he hasn't left by 11 he'll be booted out, general concensus is that he's not allowed to stay over. At least I know they'll actually stick to that...
Ballerina - I do know what happened, though it was like pulling teeth finding out. She's been texting him for weeks on end after he (and often, she too) finishes work, general chat at first and then all this "I'm glad you're happy, if only I could find someone as nice as you but you're way out of my league" stuff. It annoyed me, of course, but I'm not about to stop him texting whomever he pleases.
Anyway they've had a few "liaisons" at work or at her flat in the last week, and I know they slept together at his flat last night. His story is that that's the only time they actually had sex...as if that makes much difference. I feel like being sick when I think about it, especially since I pretty much live there too, all my things are there etc. She's pretty low to do it, but like I said I can't load blame onto her for it... we've never exactly seen eye to eye, especially about my boyfriend.
Yeah, that would go down like a lead balloon.
shed talk to him all the time on msn and gave him her number and asked him to call her and stuff. saying stuff like ''oh im glad you're making rach so happy, i wish i could find a guy like you etc''
then getting all upset on him wanting sympathy and stuff....it really annoyed me but he took it with a pinch of salt
now we're more or less back together (we had a year apart) and i dont have much to do with her anymore
briggi - i know you can't load all the blame on her, they're both to blame. but personally i wouldn't have anything to do with either of them.
You're right, I do know this I'm just clinging onto the easier option of brushing things under the carpet.
Am off for a wee nap now, since my night's sleep was so rudely interrupted. Hopefully I'll be more lucid after that.
Tough. He gave up any right he had to be pissy when he was doing the horizontal tango with someone else.
Question is, after all the lies, will you ever be able to trust him again? And would you want to, at this point in your life?
I don't know, like I think I said it's happened once before but our relationship was a lot different at that point. It feels a lot more like betrayl now. It just doesn't seem fathomable to give up all the shared history, I always felt like we were two peas in a pod...we've hurt each other, been through some awful patches both relationship-wise and respectively. While I can see myself being the strong woman I always champion and encourage in this kind of situation (when it's others), I can't bring myself to step into the void of life post-relationship where all of the things that we did share now mean nothing. Does that make any sense?
But they don't mean nothing. All your experiences bring you to be the person you are. The same is true at any point in your life. Nothing is wasted, life is a learning curve.
What are you afraid will happen if you finish it?
I know! The worst part is I'd be telling someone else all this if they were in the same situation, it's just so hard to apply the same sense to my own life.
I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'd consider myself ferociously independent but then it's easy to think of yourself as being independent when there's the assurance that someone's waiting in the wings, so to speak. It's been so long since I was single (except for two months of a "break") that it's almost unimaginable being back out there without the security blanket of someone "loving" you (and I know, that's the wrong attitude to take to relationships...which should be a lot more. But it's the way I feel.). I do love him, too, of course and I'm a bit afraid that I won't feel like that again...or that I'll never stop feeling that way about him, but never be able to be with him again. I know there's no way I should be settling for a cheat, but I can't help it, it's what I've done for the past two years :yeees:. Of course that's my own fault, I could've walked away and never looked back when it happened before, but I didn't and now I'm paying for that bad decision.
When you're ready I'm sure you'll make your move. You have to be in the right place mentally.
Don't you dare feel like shit because of him. Don't even think of him as being "yours" he never really was if he gave everything that meant to you both to someone else and made it blatant that was his intention all along.
I used to be petrified of not being able to cope without my ex. But he - and from what I can tell from yours - they've left us no choice. They've REALLY drove us to it.
They were the ones who gave up, they were the ones who didn't want to be honest from whenever the slightest incling of this feeling arose. They are the ones at fault and who are going to regret losing out on us.
No one will ever love them like us, and the reason being this is because we can see past their shit that no one with a right mind would put up with; no one else would want to work at that.
They are the one's not wanting to work through their crap and give the relationship of 2 years deserves. Not us.
We have SO much to give to the right person, and I am SO thankful I know what capabilities I've spent with my ex to realise what I have to offer and when it happens with the next guy..fuck..I swear I'll bring him to his knees with his love for me. That's all I've ever wanted. Cheesy as it sounds, but it's true.
It's all you deserve. It's all any person deserves from a relationship.
Don't spare him a thought. They are NOT WORTH THE AGGRAVATION. Not for the past 2 years, not for the next 2 minutes.
Please be strong, missus.
Pm me if you feel down.
x
I know everything you've said is fucking spot on. Just need to put it into practise when he gets here is all, everything changes when you're actually standing face to face with them.
I will PM you, it'll probably be a force 10 rant so prepare yourself.
Oh I know it all changes when you see them and I know if I saw mine and he poured out all the crap he does I'd go "Aaw" for a nano second, then snap back to reality because it's just all lies. Nothing is consistent, they don't know what "compromise" means. Nothing should have crumbled in the first place.
By all means PM us, I am more than willing to let you rant. I had one last night with Basic_Instinct and WOW! 'Twas grand. Made me feel SO good.
You don't deserve this hurt one wee stupid prat gives you. I was watching Eastenders last night and this will sound cheesy but Ruby was all "I'm going out and moving on, I've nothing to grieve, Sharon's lost her husband, I've just broken up with my boyfriend."
It hits everything on the head, it truly does. We're not grieving, no one's died. We've been given the luck escape. You think our exes are sitting up in their room night after night crying and worried sick? It's such bullshit. They don't give a fuck apart from themselves and the stupid bints they've brought down with them.
Prats.
Leaving someone doesnt mean those years are wasted though. Its made you who you are - good and bad. nothing is a waste, its all a learning experience. Besides, can you really call it "you leaving him"? If it was a job theyd call it constructive dismissal.