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Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up?Posts: 16,688
Last week, my dad told me his wife is pregnant. I don't have any problems with that in itself; I like her, and I don't mind the idea, though I think it will be a little awkward next time I see her.

The problem is the way he said it. A new kid means he'll have to continue working, even though not as much, and he was about to stop and relax. He's 58. And there's something else bothering me about how he said it, it seemed as though it was a favour of some kind. And he went on about how giving happiness to others makes you happy and stuff...
He also said that she needed something to remember him after he's gone. I know he's much older than her (I estimate around 20 years) so he probably meant whenever that happnens, but I'm afraid if there's something wrong with himself. My logic says he wouldn't mention a new job if there was, but it's not enough to make me not worry... But I know I generally worry too much without reason, so I hope it's just that.

Any comments?

EDIT: I forgot to mention that, sooner or later, my mum will find out. And I'm terribly afraid of that.
When she found out that I knew my dad's girlfriend she insisted that I shouldn't talk to her. This went on for hours every day, for weeks if not months! She wouldn't even leave me alone for a second as long as I was at home! She brought me to the point where I fell on the floor crying! ...And she thought I reacted this way because my dad's gf had done something to me or blackmailed me.
She's going to find out sooner or later, and I'm sure it will be much worse now. What am I going to do? :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can't you tell your mother about it? If she'll find out from somebody else than your dad, then why not from you? If she will find out from your dad then you could ask him to tell her soon.

    And I think you're worrying a bit much there. The wife may have longed for a baby but your father may not have truly wanted to at his age, but decided to give in for the sake of his wife. Maybe he's still dealing with the thought of needing to work and care for another child and that's why he phrased it like that. Don't let your mind work overtime if there's no reason to. Thinking is a dangerous tool if not handled carefully.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Jaloux wrote:
    And I think you're worrying a bit much there. The wife may have longed for a baby but your father may not have truly wanted to at his age, but decided to give in for the sake of his wife. Maybe he's still dealing with the thought of needing to work and care for another child and that's why he phrased it like that. Don't let your mind work overtime if there's no reason to. Thinking is a dangerous tool if not handled carefully.
    I hope this is right. :)
    Can't you tell your mother about it? If she'll find out from somebody else than your dad, then why not from you? If she will find out from your dad then you could ask him to tell her soon.
    But why would I tell my mother about it??? As soon as she finds out, my house is going to be hell for me again I don't know for how long. Why bring it about sooner than it has to happen?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you know it's coming sooner or later, then why worry about how soon later will come when you can just let her know that you just found out and have it over with sooner rather than later. Maybe she'll even prefer to hear it from you rather than someone else. That way she won't also have to find out that you knew all along.

    If she puts you into an uncomfortable position, then you are going to have to tell her to back off, that this really ought to be between her and your father, not you and her. Your dad finding a new woman or having another child didn't happen because of you so if she's making you suffer for the choices your father makes then you just have to let her know that it's not on.

    If she does overreact, you should try to talk to her about it and get her to stop harassing you when the problem is that she may not be over your dad moving on. Do you think she may also be wanting some support from you despite her behaviour towards you?
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Jaloux wrote:
    If you know it's coming sooner or later, then why worry about how soon later will come when you can just let her know that you just found out and have it over with sooner rather than later. Maybe she'll even prefer to hear it from you rather than someone else. That way she won't also have to find out that you knew all along.
    This would make no difference, or next to none. And for all I know it will never stop this time, there's no way in hell I'll let her find out earlier than the latest possible.
    If she puts you into an uncomfortable position, then you are going to have to tell her to back off, that this really ought to be between her and your father, not you and her. Your dad finding a new woman or having another child didn't happen because of you so if she's making you suffer for the choices your father makes then you just have to let her know that it's not on.

    If she does overreact, you should try to talk to her about it and get her to stop harassing you when the problem is that she may not be over your dad moving on.
    I've done all that in the past, nothing. She does listen to me, but not trying to understand what I'm saying. She only wants to find a way to make me see it like she does, that's her attitude for pretty much everything. Not to mention that she's convinced the other got married to my dad only for his money, is looking forward to when he dies etc. Nothing can change her mind on that.
    Do you think she may also be wanting some support from you despite her behaviour towards you?
    It's possible. But because of the way she's been reacting to this in the past and because of many other things, I don't like her enough to be any kind of "loving son" to her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Then maybe it's time to move out...
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Jaloux wrote:
    Then maybe it's time to move out...
    I know... But this is a whole another matter.
    I can't cook, I don't have a job and never had one, I have no way to find a house unless I have my dad pay for it (even with a job, rents are too high over here) unless I stay in one that belongs to my brother who's in another country.
    Also I generally don't feel ready to live alone, there are many things I don't know.

    I know all those are no excuse and I should be looking into them, but other, more personal problems are consuming my mind... Which is generally a mess.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    I'm sorry, I forgot to thank you for replying. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You either need to tell you mum about the baby, or ask your dad to do it before she finds out from someone else. If you cannot live with her at all because of what she is going to be like when she finds out, you may to seriously consider moving out, even if its in with your dad, friends or another member of your family.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    I know... But this is a whole another matter.
    I can't cook, I don't have a job and never had one, I have no way to find a house unless I have my dad pay for it (even with a job, rents are too high over here) unless I stay in one that belongs to my brother who's in another country.
    Also I generally don't feel ready to live alone, there are many things I don't know.

    I know all those are no excuse and I should be looking into them, but other, more personal problems are consuming my mind... Which is generally a mess.

    I can't offer you concrete help in any way.
    Just want to point out that you're chickening out.

    I am not saying this isn't a hard situation for you to be in, but no matter what suggestions people come with, you have some excuse.
    First step is to take action and stand firmly on SOMETHING. Whatever it is.

    Good luck.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Dear Wendy wrote:
    I can't offer you concrete help in any way.
    Just want to point out that you're chickening out.

    I am not saying this isn't a hard situation for you to be in, but no matter what suggestions people come with, you have some excuse.
    First step is to take action and stand firmly on SOMETHING. Whatever it is.

    Good luck.
    Yes, I know... Thank you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Dear Wendy. And everybody else too. Good thing you see this clearly, so I just wanted to encourage you to do it. Take action in some way or another, and stand your ground. Begin maybe with smaller steps, things that will make you feel stronger and more confident, and then move to bigger things. Or start by whatever you think is more urgent... whatever, its your choice. But really DO something about your situation, you have every right to be happy, you just have to be prepared to fight for it.

    And another thing: believe more in yourself! You have great capacities, and no one was born knowing how to do things, like living on your own, standing up to your family, whatever it is. Everyone just learnt this stuff by experiencing it. Don't be scared, you can succeed at these things just like anyone else. You just have to really believe you deserve it and be willing to fight for it, and that you CAN do it. I know its easier said than done, so now we're back at the beginning: start one step at a time. Pick something, and do it.

    Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    George honey - you have to tell her sooner rather than later. She'll be even more angry with you if she knows that you knew for months and months and didn't tell her.

    If she gets all stroppy then tell her she has to snap out of it otherwise you will move out. You don't definatley have to move out just use it as a threat - though i would investigate how likely it is that you could leave just in case you have to carry the threat out for real.

    Also if you do move out it might mean you get on better with her in the long run - so it might not be a bad thing. Anyone who can read and do maths can cook so thats thats a pathetic excuse for not moving out.

    In terms of your dad - 58 does strike me as a bit old to be having a baby (I'm worried about not having one before I'm 30) but - its his decision to make - it is a bit crap that he will have to work longer, but maybe he will have to re look at the relationship he has with his new woman. If she is younger then it makes more sense for her to be the principal bread winner and for him to stay at home and look after the child more (esp when it gets to school age).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote:
    58 does strike me as a bit old to be having a baby.
    My dad had one at 54 :yes:. Then, he seemed happy about it, whereas his dad doesn't.

    The only bit of advice I have to offer is to tell your mum before she finds out from elsewhere. Especially if she'll know that you knew for a long time before she did. I know she'll be angry, but she'll be less angry if you tell her you know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote:
    My dad had one at 54 :yes:. Then, he seemed happy about it, whereas his dad doesn't.

    Yeah I only say it because I had a friend who's dad was much older and whilst she was doing her A-Levels he got Altzeimers and she had to cope with all sorts of crap things like putting him into a nursing home and stuff.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote:
    Yeah I only say it because I had a friend who's dad was much older and whilst she was doing her A-Levels he got Altzeimers and she had to cope with all sorts of crap things like putting him into a nursing home and stuff.
    Poor girl :(.

    I actually feel quite sorry for my baby sister (well, she's nearly 4, but she's still a baby to me), because when she's my age, my dad will be 71, and he'll probably be nearly dead by the time she gets married (if she does, of course). That's the only problem I have with it, really.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Well I see what you're saying (and thank you for replying) but another reason I can't tell her yet is that it's not exactly free knowledge, they've only told few people so far. But once it's not a secret anymore, I'll think about it. Though still, I don't like her enough to tell her things that are none of her business.

    And yesterday I started thinking about moving out (using just my imagination mixed with realism for now) and I stumbled across something kind of important: The internet connection I have cannot be transferred and will end next July. Since my mum doesn't use computers, that means I have to stay here until then...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    And yesterday I started thinking about moving out (using just my imagination mixed with realism for now) and I stumbled across something kind of important: The internet connection I have cannot be transferred and will end next July. Since my mum doesn't use computers, that means I have to stay here until then...
    Um, why? Do you need it that badly to stay in a place where you're not happy? And what about other places you can move to, no possible access to internet from there? What about Uni computers? Surely if that's whats stopping you there should some way around it... it sounds kind of silly staying just because of that...

    Although I have a feeling that its just not because of that... I'm sure you'll find a dozen different obstacles but if its what you want, its worth doing some sacrifices here and there... you can't have everything.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    bluewisdom wrote:
    Um, why? Do you need it that badly to stay in a place where you're not happy? And what about other places you can move to, no possible access to internet from there? What about Uni computers? Surely if that's whats stopping you there should some way around it... it sounds kind of silly staying just because of that...
    I know it's sad, but I do need internet access. And of course I could pay for a new connection, but since this one can't be transferred then my dad would have wasted a hell lot of money.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're creating your own prison...
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Jaloux wrote:
    You're creating your own prison...
    In more ways than you know...

    Be that as it may, I don't want to have my dad waste 300 euros, especially now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's sunk cost mate. If he takes it badly, give him his 300 euros back some day when you can afford to and with interest rather than use that as an excuse to sit at home and wallow in self pity.

    I've been through making excuses for not doing a thing, and I hated every step I had to take in order to change that. The only thing that kept me from giving up was that I really desperately wanted to enjoy my life. Looking back, not a step was wasted because I am a different person today. I've taken risks and done things I had decided to wait to do 'because it'll be easier in the future'. Yeah right...

    You can become happy with yourself and your life. But nobody who's had to do it themselves will be able to tell you that it's just a matter of waiting until one day things are perfect. It's bloody hard work and you are the only one who can decide if the result is worth it or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    I know it's sad, but I do need internet access. And of course I could pay for a new connection, but since this one can't be transferred then my dad would have wasted a hell lot of money.

    To be honest, and please dont take it the wrong way, that sounds like a shitty excuse to stay when you now it will only make you more unhappy. And I agree with Jaloux, you'll dad will be upset but you can always pay him back.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    You may be right... But still, that's not a decision I can make in a day. I have to check things first, devise a plan etc. Which I'm already doing, first stages.
    Thanks a lot, again. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel for you Zalbor... I know how is when parents have split and others have come into the equation, they treat you like ure not being loyal or something :p

    I guess you will need to tell her at some point but I know it will/can be fucking stressful ... its not as easy as everyone says ie her getting a little annoyed for an hour and thats it :p

    Where you from btw?
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Thanks for understanding how my mum would react. I'm from Athens, Greece.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Athens eh, nice to have some ppl from across europe on here :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had the exact same problem except my dad was 46, didn't have a job (still hasn't :|) he is about 20-odd years older than her though.

    My mum was OK-ish about it. She went through a phase of asking me what was said every time I went to stay at my dads but once I told her to chill out and stop being paranoid, she stopped (about a year later)

    As for the new sibling - I have 2 half sisters and they are great, little bastards at times but they're getting older (11 and 7 now!) and I wouldn't be without them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Zalbor wrote:
    You may be right... But still, that's not a decision I can make in a day. I have to check things first, devise a plan etc. Which I'm already doing, first stages.
    I think that's great Zalbor if you're starting to get a move-on. Congrats even if you are only in the first stages -it's a start! :thumb:
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    bluewisdom wrote:
    I think that's great Zalbor if you're starting to get a move-on. Congrats even if you are only in the first stages -it's a start! :thumb:
    Thanks.
    Right now I'm thinking of the possibilities of how to find somewhere to stay.
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