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New sibling...
Indrid Cold
Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
Last week, my dad told me his wife is pregnant. I don't have any problems with that in itself; I like her, and I don't mind the idea, though I think it will be a little awkward next time I see her.
The problem is the way he said it. A new kid means he'll have to continue working, even though not as much, and he was about to stop and relax. He's 58. And there's something else bothering me about how he said it, it seemed as though it was a favour of some kind. And he went on about how giving happiness to others makes you happy and stuff...
He also said that she needed something to remember him after he's gone. I know he's much older than her (I estimate around 20 years) so he probably meant whenever that happnens, but I'm afraid if there's something wrong with himself. My logic says he wouldn't mention a new job if there was, but it's not enough to make me not worry... But I know I generally worry too much without reason, so I hope it's just that.
Any comments?
EDIT: I forgot to mention that, sooner or later, my mum will find out. And I'm terribly afraid of that.
When she found out that I knew my dad's girlfriend she insisted that I shouldn't talk to her. This went on for hours every day, for weeks if not months! She wouldn't even leave me alone for a second as long as I was at home! She brought me to the point where I fell on the floor crying! ...And she thought I reacted this way because my dad's gf had done something to me or blackmailed me.
She's going to find out sooner or later, and I'm sure it will be much worse now. What am I going to do? :crying:
The problem is the way he said it. A new kid means he'll have to continue working, even though not as much, and he was about to stop and relax. He's 58. And there's something else bothering me about how he said it, it seemed as though it was a favour of some kind. And he went on about how giving happiness to others makes you happy and stuff...
He also said that she needed something to remember him after he's gone. I know he's much older than her (I estimate around 20 years) so he probably meant whenever that happnens, but I'm afraid if there's something wrong with himself. My logic says he wouldn't mention a new job if there was, but it's not enough to make me not worry... But I know I generally worry too much without reason, so I hope it's just that.
Any comments?
EDIT: I forgot to mention that, sooner or later, my mum will find out. And I'm terribly afraid of that.
When she found out that I knew my dad's girlfriend she insisted that I shouldn't talk to her. This went on for hours every day, for weeks if not months! She wouldn't even leave me alone for a second as long as I was at home! She brought me to the point where I fell on the floor crying! ...And she thought I reacted this way because my dad's gf had done something to me or blackmailed me.
She's going to find out sooner or later, and I'm sure it will be much worse now. What am I going to do? :crying:
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Comments
And I think you're worrying a bit much there. The wife may have longed for a baby but your father may not have truly wanted to at his age, but decided to give in for the sake of his wife. Maybe he's still dealing with the thought of needing to work and care for another child and that's why he phrased it like that. Don't let your mind work overtime if there's no reason to. Thinking is a dangerous tool if not handled carefully.
But why would I tell my mother about it??? As soon as she finds out, my house is going to be hell for me again I don't know for how long. Why bring it about sooner than it has to happen?
If she puts you into an uncomfortable position, then you are going to have to tell her to back off, that this really ought to be between her and your father, not you and her. Your dad finding a new woman or having another child didn't happen because of you so if she's making you suffer for the choices your father makes then you just have to let her know that it's not on.
If she does overreact, you should try to talk to her about it and get her to stop harassing you when the problem is that she may not be over your dad moving on. Do you think she may also be wanting some support from you despite her behaviour towards you?
I've done all that in the past, nothing. She does listen to me, but not trying to understand what I'm saying. She only wants to find a way to make me see it like she does, that's her attitude for pretty much everything. Not to mention that she's convinced the other got married to my dad only for his money, is looking forward to when he dies etc. Nothing can change her mind on that.
It's possible. But because of the way she's been reacting to this in the past and because of many other things, I don't like her enough to be any kind of "loving son" to her.
I can't cook, I don't have a job and never had one, I have no way to find a house unless I have my dad pay for it (even with a job, rents are too high over here) unless I stay in one that belongs to my brother who's in another country.
Also I generally don't feel ready to live alone, there are many things I don't know.
I know all those are no excuse and I should be looking into them, but other, more personal problems are consuming my mind... Which is generally a mess.
I can't offer you concrete help in any way.
Just want to point out that you're chickening out.
I am not saying this isn't a hard situation for you to be in, but no matter what suggestions people come with, you have some excuse.
First step is to take action and stand firmly on SOMETHING. Whatever it is.
Good luck.
And another thing: believe more in yourself! You have great capacities, and no one was born knowing how to do things, like living on your own, standing up to your family, whatever it is. Everyone just learnt this stuff by experiencing it. Don't be scared, you can succeed at these things just like anyone else. You just have to really believe you deserve it and be willing to fight for it, and that you CAN do it. I know its easier said than done, so now we're back at the beginning: start one step at a time. Pick something, and do it.
Good luck!
If she gets all stroppy then tell her she has to snap out of it otherwise you will move out. You don't definatley have to move out just use it as a threat - though i would investigate how likely it is that you could leave just in case you have to carry the threat out for real.
Also if you do move out it might mean you get on better with her in the long run - so it might not be a bad thing. Anyone who can read and do maths can cook so thats thats a pathetic excuse for not moving out.
In terms of your dad - 58 does strike me as a bit old to be having a baby (I'm worried about not having one before I'm 30) but - its his decision to make - it is a bit crap that he will have to work longer, but maybe he will have to re look at the relationship he has with his new woman. If she is younger then it makes more sense for her to be the principal bread winner and for him to stay at home and look after the child more (esp when it gets to school age).
The only bit of advice I have to offer is to tell your mum before she finds out from elsewhere. Especially if she'll know that you knew for a long time before she did. I know she'll be angry, but she'll be less angry if you tell her you know.
Yeah I only say it because I had a friend who's dad was much older and whilst she was doing her A-Levels he got Altzeimers and she had to cope with all sorts of crap things like putting him into a nursing home and stuff.
I actually feel quite sorry for my baby sister (well, she's nearly 4, but she's still a baby to me), because when she's my age, my dad will be 71, and he'll probably be nearly dead by the time she gets married (if she does, of course). That's the only problem I have with it, really.
And yesterday I started thinking about moving out (using just my imagination mixed with realism for now) and I stumbled across something kind of important: The internet connection I have cannot be transferred and will end next July. Since my mum doesn't use computers, that means I have to stay here until then...
Although I have a feeling that its just not because of that... I'm sure you'll find a dozen different obstacles but if its what you want, its worth doing some sacrifices here and there... you can't have everything.
Be that as it may, I don't want to have my dad waste 300 euros, especially now.
I've been through making excuses for not doing a thing, and I hated every step I had to take in order to change that. The only thing that kept me from giving up was that I really desperately wanted to enjoy my life. Looking back, not a step was wasted because I am a different person today. I've taken risks and done things I had decided to wait to do 'because it'll be easier in the future'. Yeah right...
You can become happy with yourself and your life. But nobody who's had to do it themselves will be able to tell you that it's just a matter of waiting until one day things are perfect. It's bloody hard work and you are the only one who can decide if the result is worth it or not.
To be honest, and please dont take it the wrong way, that sounds like a shitty excuse to stay when you now it will only make you more unhappy. And I agree with Jaloux, you'll dad will be upset but you can always pay him back.
Thanks a lot, again.
I guess you will need to tell her at some point but I know it will/can be fucking stressful ... its not as easy as everyone says ie her getting a little annoyed for an hour and thats it
Where you from btw?
My mum was OK-ish about it. She went through a phase of asking me what was said every time I went to stay at my dads but once I told her to chill out and stop being paranoid, she stopped (about a year later)
As for the new sibling - I have 2 half sisters and they are great, little bastards at times but they're getting older (11 and 7 now!) and I wouldn't be without them.
Right now I'm thinking of the possibilities of how to find somewhere to stay.