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would you want to know...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
okay... here's the question
if your girlfriend / boyfriend had been abused in the past; would you honestly want to know about it?
or would you prefer not to know at all?
if your girlfriend / boyfriend had been abused in the past; would you honestly want to know about it?
or would you prefer not to know at all?
0
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What I mean by "issue" is if it's something that defines who they are or something they're struggling with etc.
I know it isn't the same but when my boyfriend told me he was adopted he was really nervous, as if I'd feel he was different, :rolleyes: but when I told him my best friend is adopted too, he seemed relieved.
However, we all have things in our past that we'd rather never happened. If they've managed to put it behind them, and are happy with their life, then I guess it makes no odds. But if they chose to share it with you, then you should feel a degree of honour - it'd take a lot for them to talk it over with you.
My thoughts, anyway .
Yep. It would ensure, when/if the relationships ends, i would approach it a lot more gingerly than i might otherwise...and i wouldn't want to lead her down a path of thinking we're going to live happily ever after when that ain't happening.
Our past is what makes us who we are. Even subconciously, the things that have happened to us are the things that help us decide on our morals, our opinions, our life, and out attitude toward others. As such, it affects us for our whole life.
Even once you've come to terms with what has happened in the past; even when it cannot happen to you again, and when you've put it firmly in the past, there will always be moments when you go back and have another look. You'll still have your bad days, and bad memories.
Is that enough to put you off caring for someone, and being in a relationship with them? I couldn't say... it depends on the severity of the issue. I'd certainly not end a relationship purely because someone was abused in the past - though their past can have a bearing on their present-day life, and that is something you could only judge on a case-by-case basis.
I should point out that this post wasn't directed at you, Kentish - I just wanted to put my thoughts across on something you said in your post .
I've been in the situation where the shoe was on the other foot (i.e. it was my "secret" to tell) and I wasn't forthright about it, not immediately anyway. So I could understand if they didn't tell me, especially not at first. But I'd rather know about it, and I'd hope they'd trust me enough to confide in me about it.
I think it's one of the more difficult "hypotheticals", as you probably couldn't ever guage your reaction until you were in the situation.
Yes, I agree with this.
It is such a sensitive subject that if I was serious with someone I think it would be an important barrier to overcome.
I feel honoured he felt he could trust me and now I feel that I want to help him get over what happened and protect him, and show him how much I love him and that he no longer needs to feel afraid.
To the original poster (or anyone else for that matter): if you asked because you're hurt that your partner has only just told you something having kept quiet about it for a long time, or has hinted at something and you're put out because you feel they're not being completely open with you.... have patience, don't force the other person into speaking or doing anything they don't want to, just show your support. There is lots of support available to you as a partner (get googling or pm me). Don't think that you should get rid of them just because they've got 'baggage'; don't think you're obliged to stay and be their 'saviour' just because they told you and nobody else.
Definitely don't hold it against the person if they're not ready to talk about some things, even if you've been together for ages and ages and thought you could say anything to each other. Don't take it personally, you shouldn't feel offended that they don't want to tell you about it, they have to feel ready in themselves to talk and it's almost certainly not to do with their opinion of you, it doesn't have to mean you don't/can't have an honest loving relationship.