If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Again...
![Indrid Cold](https://us.v-cdn.net/6030621/uploads/customavatars/26/navatar_1226.gif)
The post by Monocrat has shaken me up pretty bad... He seems so much like me (though thanfully not entirely) and that scares me. I've been single all my life and I can't help but think much like he does, or pretends to. I've made threads about this in the past...
For the past few months (maybe even year), I tried to convince myself that not only I'd never have a girlfriend, but in fact shouldn't, because that way I can't cause trouble to anyone. The result was that I had the (second?) worst time of my life, even though I never had to do anything actively in that time (so even if I wasn't thinking like that, nothing would have changed).
So now I'm back to how I was... Bitter, jealous, and angry. I keep thinking much like he described in that other thread, and since I know I shouldn't be thinking like that I've been trying not to for years... But in vain. And I hate myself for thinking like that. So I'm still in the same shit I was, my final attempt to change it failed.
When is it ever going to end? :crying:
For the past few months (maybe even year), I tried to convince myself that not only I'd never have a girlfriend, but in fact shouldn't, because that way I can't cause trouble to anyone. The result was that I had the (second?) worst time of my life, even though I never had to do anything actively in that time (so even if I wasn't thinking like that, nothing would have changed).
So now I'm back to how I was... Bitter, jealous, and angry. I keep thinking much like he described in that other thread, and since I know I shouldn't be thinking like that I've been trying not to for years... But in vain. And I hate myself for thinking like that. So I'm still in the same shit I was, my final attempt to change it failed.
When is it ever going to end? :crying:
0
Comments
As for pubs etc, that's not how it works here. Most of that is done in clubs etc.
3rd, since alcohol lowers inhibitions, and I clearly have a lot of issues, I'm afraid of what would come out if I got pissed. And I'm afraid I might drink too much and act like a total idiot (as many others do) and I never want that to happen. Those are the two reasons I never drink.
And, I've tried clubbing, but I couldn't do anything; too shy for it, I guess.
And anyway, how would that help me stop thinking that way? As several people said in MC's thread, this attitude is exactly why he can't meet anyone. And I can't change it.
Alcohol isn't that bad, it's a very good social drug if taken properly. Just cos everyone else goes out and gets fucked and makes fools of themselves doesn't mean you have to. And you might not be able to change your personality but you can change the attitude, a positive shy guy has got far more of a chance of meeting a girl than a negative shy guy. Good things come to those who wait. Fact. :thumb:
And what exactly do you mean about changing the attitude without changing the personality?
Start off with one drink, you don't turn from sober to legless, you get drunker by the drink. Once you feel slightly drunk then stop. Not saying you have to do it, if you don't feel comfortable with the idea of drink then don't do it. Just a recommendation on my behalf.
Well it's up to you to change your personality from a bad thing in your eyes to a good thing, I don't know you personally so can't say but there's loads of girls out there that dig shy guys. The key is getting yourself known and being more optimistic about things, sitting about the house feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to get you very far.
But what worries me about my personality isn't the shyness, it's that sometimes I think a lot like that guy in the other thread described, and I don't like thinking like that.
I think the best advice would be to work on whatever it is that causes you to have such low self esteem and low self confidence. There's a lot of pressure on people these days to have successful love lives and it won't help if you're constantly comparing yourself to others.
Imagine there's a room in your house that you've never seen the inside of, but pretty much everyone else has, and not only that, but it's a common (if not daily) part of their lives.
I really believe that if I had had a relationship, even a silly teen one, like 5 years ago, I'd be OK know. Or at least much better. My problem is all about the knowledge/experience/memories (choose whichever word you prefer).
Females do have an easier chance of finding boyfriends.
However! If females get boyfriends, then there are equally amount of boys who have girls - confusing ...
Maybe males with girlfriends don't come to these forums
As for the rest you said, I try not to think about it.
Anyway, she told me that my problem is that I don't like myself, that i'm always trying to change who I am and be someone different. The problem with that is that i'm not anyone different, i'm me and I can't change who I am. Instead of playing to what I think people expect from me, instead of trying to be normal, I should be working towards being me and loving myself for it. She said that people accept you more if you just be who you are and celebrate that. She said that no matter how hard you try to be normal, it's impossible because there's no such thing as normal. She said that if you don't accept that you'll never be normal and celebrate who you are you have no hope of finding a girlfriend. Girls like someone who's happy with themself because then they're not needy and they can be really fun to be with.
I can't remember the rest of the conversation but i'm sure it'll come to me given time.
yeah i think you have to love ureself before you can let someone else love you :P
im pretty shy too, clubbing becomes much more fun when ure drinking... even my rlly confident m8s get wasted cos they still feel like twats dancing lol :P
I've thought about this before, and I really don't think I'm trying to be anyone other than myself.
But I've been talking to my brother, who's 29 and says he knew someone like me who always said "I want women to like me for who I am" but ended up unhappy because no one did, and he doesn't want to see me end up like him... And it is true that I can't see how I could be fun anyway, to a girl at least.
look around u when ure in there NOONE can dance pretty much.
I'm shy and uncertain and not very good when it comes to communicating. I used to be ten times worse than I am today, but after making a conscious effort to change I've come a long way. I'm actually happy about my life, and that alone has changed my life so much.
Also, confidence is a highly attractive thing about guys. Most of the single and a little desperate guys I know tend to have a low confidence. Even if they know far more girls than I know boys, they're always making 'girl friends' because they simply don't seem to think they stand a chance. They WANT to do something but they never do. It isn't enough to think, you have to DO.
To stop thinking and start acting can be a very hard and painful thing to do (I'm going through it myself), but you just have to decide if it's worth it or not. It's entirely dependant on you.
"Just do it!"
The last thing you want to do though is just to go out with someone for the sake of having a girlfriend. This wouldn't be a great introduction into relationships would it?
I think the self esteem/shyness thing is important and probably the key to you're problems. How have you not had a silly teen relationship? (not a rhetorical question, by the way) Is it because you've never had the opportunity (doubtful)? Is it because you've never spotted the opportunity (possibly)? Or is it because when the opportunity came along, you were too afraid to take it (Most likely)? Have you ever thought a girl might fancy you, but then done nothing about it, or dismissed it because 'why would she be interested in you?'
Think about the drinking thing. You said you didn't want to drink at all, because you didn't want to end up legless and embarrass yourself. Fair enough. But you seem to be focusing on the worst case scenario.
The same goes with asking people out. If you always focus on the worst case scenario, you'll never take a risk and you'll never get the rewards. What if she says no? What if she says yes, but only for a bet with her friends? The worst one for me is, "What is nothing good or bad ever happens, because I never took a risk?"
I don't think a club is exactly a great place to try and meet someone anyway, especially if you're not an outgoing person. I find hanging out with friends of friends in small groups is often good (any private party), because it removes the uncertainty. You know (or can easily find out) who's single, no-one thinks you're a player just trying to get into their pants, there's easy topics of conversation ("oh, so how do you know..."), and most importantly, because they're not actually you're friends, you can make a pass without the risk of having to see them again all the time. But it still doesn't get around the fact that at some point, you'll have to bite the bullet and essentially say "I like you, do you like me?" (for the love of God, don't actually use those words). But even then, you can always ask your friend to find out whether they're interested. But this is all down to having the self esteem to think that someone might actually be interested in you. Now if only I could take my own 'advice.'
I agree with Jaloux. I think you also have to look at a girl/boyfriend as an optional extra, or an added bonus to your life rather than a neccessity. When you're about to get married, then you can say your life wouldn't be complete without the other person, but until then they have to stay as a luxury. Think about it, would you like to go out with someone that couldn't live without you after the first week? Surely that would suggest some sort of self esteem problems if they're that reliant upon having a partner.
The problem facing us all is the thing about 'why would she be interested in me'... the only cure for that is to get into the mindset of 'I am not ugly, I am not boring, i'm an amazing little chappy' and I think the best way to do that is random pulling. Whilst it means nothing, it's such a confidence boost.
Drinking is so important. You need to be sure of your limits. You need to know how much you need to be drink to be more open, more fun-loving, more carefree, but not enough to pass out.
Again - having a girl/boyfriend should always be viewed as a bonus, because no girl wants a guy that's needy and clingy.
I have never had a seriou sgf. I have been on the "seeing each other" phase and had one offs but nowt serious.
I have low confidence but then its like a pardoc, coz I don't always think I am the worst person in the world, but I know there are some physical things with me and emotional things with me that make me less then others.
Then I get all this adice and it all contradicts each other.
I am getting a bit more confident now but still not completey going for it all the time.
trouble is my friendship group is small and I don't got many parties if any so its hard for me to find new people and chances to connect with.
Pleasing them, them pleaisng you. Talking, sharing, just hanging out. Closeness. Someone being there, you being there for them. Unique, beautiful, special, treasured.
I'd love to find that.
Yes, that's right. But if that opportunity presented itself I'd be very tempted to take it anyway.
That's a pretty long story... I'll try to sum it up, though I'm not good at making a sum of things.
Let's just say that I fell into a sort of trap at 13, staged by someone I trusted, so I ended up believing in a big lie for years, which led to other lies, which led to me losing all my self esteem and I haven't been able to get it back (I might be partially to blame for falling in the trap, not sure).
And besides that, the only chance I could have had before leaving school was with my classmates. And after getting to know them (which I only did in the last few months before school ended, another long story) I realised they all were the type of person who wouldn't be seen with anyone who wasn't popular. Yes, all of them, no exaggeration here. Except one maybe, but she wasn't interested anyway. So I truly never had a chance. (I can't stop blaming them for that. I know it makes no sense to blame them, but still I do.)
Add to that the many times that girls pretended to ask me out just so that they would laugh at me and say "I was joking, how could you have thought I meant it?" if I said yes, and you don't have a very nice mix.
One thing I know about myself is that sometimes I don't know my limits.
As for the rest, as it was in school, nowadays I have no other way to meet people than at uni (or the street, I guess, but that's not right).
And as for the "optional extra", I've tried to, but still can't see it that way. All I see is my jealousy and bitterness.
Which brings me to a point I made in the original post and I haven't seen answered yet: The idiot made a thread to express thoughts that he likes and pretty much everyone told him that these thoughts themselves are the reason he can't find a girlfriend. I have very much the same thoughts, and the fact that unlike him I don't like them doesn't mean I can stop thinking them. I've tried and failed more times than I can count. What's to be done about that?
I have found that in the real world (not school or college I tend to include uni in the real world) it doesn’t matter how popular / pretty / hansom / good at what ever, you are to the majority. People might have been a twat with you at school (I can guarantee they were with me because I wasn’t interested in the same things as them, and its just so easy for bitcy people to pick at things) but most people aren’t bothered by how you follow the crowd. If you want to go to a club and not dress like everyone else so what? Someone that had an individual sense and was able to wear what they liked would impress me.
I agree that a couple of drinks would probably loosen you up, but if you decide to do that don’t get wasted (as someone further up said take it drink by drink a raging drunk isn’t the most approachable person).
Try smiling at people, people that look happy look more approachable, go out with big groups, friends of friends and such as you are widening your social circle without much effort.
If you really have no one to do the things that interest you with try joining a society at uni or something like that, if the thought of going to a place full of strangers scares you compare it with living the rest of your life as you feel now (sorry if that sounded a bit harsh I'm slightly pissed and cant phrase it better) and I'm sure it wont seem like such a bad prospect.
Acting confident is the easiest way to become confident in my experience, if you don’t know how to act in a certain situation try copying someone that seems to be comfortable (I don’t mean move for move so your making it really obvious).
sorry that turned into a really long post
I think the best thing to do is to look at your circle of friends, because it's too easy to just look at a stranger with a nice girlfriend, and say what's she doing with that wanker? Then you become bitter, and assume anyone with a girlfriend is a wanker. I find that among the people I know, those with girlfriends are all decent blokes (not necessarily the best looking) who are interesting in their own right. Their girlfriends too, are interesting to be around, it's not like they are joined at the hip or are completely reliant upon each other.
All of my single female friends were just like me, with the same insecurities and problems of trying to get a guy. Obviously it's easier for girls to pull a guy if they fancy a quick kiss or whatever, so that can be hard to accept because us men can't do that as easily, but it's just as hard for them to find a decent bloke.
You may say that they keep going out with wankers, and ignore you/just treat you as a friend. But their may be a girl out there saying that you keep going after girls that are no good for you/aren't interested, and ignore her. Do you fancy every girl you see? I'd say that I find maybe 1 in 10 girls attractive, and of those I would probably only fancy another 1 in 10 after talking to them for 30 minutes. There's nothing people can do about that, you can't force yourself to fancy someone, so I think it's pointless getting bitter and jealous over something that someone has no real control over. You just have to say "Oh, well she isn't interested, her loss." (a lot easier said than done after the tenth time, I know)
Even if you had a girlfriend in your current state, what would it be like? I think that you would spend all of you're time wondering why she was with you. You'd probably become very clingy and suspect her any time she is in the company of another man. That's not an attractive quality in anyone, and so you need to get over your bitterness and jealousy before you even get a girlfriend or it'll end in tears. If you were a girl, would you want to go out with Zalbor right now? If the answer is no, then you obviously are not happy with yourself, and until you are, you can't expect anyone else to be happy with you. Find out what it is that you don't like about yourself (not that you don't have a girlfriend, because that completely outside of you) and try to change it. If you do change it, not only will you feel better about yourself, but it will give you the confidence to approach girls in the knowledge that you would be someone worth being around. It will also make it easier to say the aforementioned "Oh well, she's not interested, her loss."
As for meeting people, you're at uni, it's the perfect place but you have to put the effort in. You don't neccessarily have to join societies, but it can help. But the important thing is to have time for people. When you meet them around, don't just say hi, then walk past. Stop, have a quick chat, even if you don't know them that well. If nothing, you'll brush up on your converational skills. Do this for everyone too (male friends included), not just girls you fancy. Visit friends at their houses. Don't have the attitude of "well they never visit me, so I'm not going to bother."
Just another quick question. When you're with a group of people, and you fancy one of the girls, do you focus all of you're attention on that one girl, and ignore everyone else? I think a lot of guys tend to only bother talking to girls they fancy, and it does nothing for their conversational skills etc. It also sticks out like a sore thumb that you fancy her and may make you seem a bit desperate.
Sorry about the length......again.
Mel-H:
I know that "following the crowd" isn't important to everyone (though of course it is to some people). That part was explaining why nothing happened at school.
I do try to smile, as much as I can remember to do it. Sometimes I may do it too much though, I remember someone asking why why I was smiling for no reason.
Widening my social circle, well you could say I am, but it's a very slow process. Perhaps I could push it a bit though...
As for societies etc, I've thought it before and thought it was an excellent idea, but if such things are going on in my uni then I haven't heard of them. I don't just mean ones I'd be interested in, no societies at all here.
I'm with stupid:
It's very rare that I think stuff like "What's she doing with that wanker". Usually it's "They both got one". My bitterness/jealousy isn't for anything like that, it's because it seems it's almost everyone but me. Which answers the "think of it as a bonus" point that several people presented: How can I think of it as a bonus when it's the rare person that doesn't have it? -Clarification: "It" isn't a relationship, it's having been in one.
As for who I fancy, well, it seems like it's almost everyone. Of course some more than others, but I can only think of one or two women that I could say I don't fancy at all.
As for your point of "would I like Zalbor right now" and the rest, I thought I'd already answered it: Of course I wouldn't. But I can't be any other way either, I've been trying but failed. And I also said what I don't like about myself: Exactly that. I'll try the "saying more than just hi" idea. Actually I already was, but stopped for some reason, possibly fear of them thinking "Oh no, him again". I could start again I guess.
As for this question: I'd love to give you the results on it, but in the group(s) of people I usually hang out with there's just one girl (who I think is nice, but just that). I do talk to others, but that's pretty much a rare thing as I'm not the kind of person to say "Let's go for some coffee" or something. I guess I could try to change that too...
One more thing: You said "I'd say that I find maybe 1 in 10 girls attractive, and of those I would probably only fancy another 1 in 10 after talking to them for 30 minutes. There's nothing people can do about that, you can't force yourself to fancy someone"
I had made this thread once, and I still can't figure it out: http://vbulletin.thesite.org.uk/showthread.php?t=71121
Don't apologize for long replies!
i know a girl who has never had a boyfriend, or certainly not (or any type of action) for the past 4 years i've known her. yet shes pretty, goes out lots, has friends but openly admits she has low self-esteem. i guess its harder for some than others.
have you ever tried using the internet as a way of meeting someone? like faceparty or a dating site etc.
Also, even then I'd still have the obstacle of bad thoughts...
Drastic action is required. You're 20, right? And never been drunk?
Go out. Get pished. Have a laugh.
As a rough guide...if you've never boozed before...2 pints is enough to loosen you up without losing it completely.
If you're highly conscious of losing your inhibitions and acting like a twat...then that's good...because if you're conscious of it you can restrain it.
Loosen up, lighten up and realise you've got fuck all to lose.
I'm eccentric as fuck. I sit about smoking weed all day contemplating the meaning of life, I don't do clubs yet have a top drawer bird. Be comfortable with yourself and you will reap the benefits. There are plenty of weird/eccentric girls out there, believe me.