What Can I Do?

Former Member · December 2005

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 11 months. I love him. For real. I have never been happier in my life... Until he got his new job.

We used to see each other everyday, and now that he lives a couple of hours away I hardly ever even hear from him. I haven't had a text for a week, and even then it was only to say that he couldn't make it to see me after all. I haven't seen him in 2 months, and during that time we've supposed to have met up a good few times. I can't remember the last time he called me... or the last time he told me he loved me or missed me. What is going on? What can I do?

I'm very depressed right now and finding life incredibly difficult to deal with. My friends and family think I should get rid of him. But I love him, and I'm scared of what I'd do to myself without him.

Former Member · December 2005

if you love him and really want to make this work you need to talk to him. preferably in person, but if not then over the phone will have to do! there may be a good reason, i,e. his job, for how distant he's acting - but you need to get to the bottom of things! Can you not go and see him???

Former Member · December 2005

I have tried talking to him. I have texted and emailed (because the sound is broken on his phone) and when I put it across, for a week he responded to me. And then, it stopped.

And so... I can't call him because his phone is broken. I can't go see him because I can't afford the train ticket. He's too busy to come see me.

Former Member · December 2005

It's really hard to talk about something when he never replies...

Former Member · December 2005

i know it may sound really harsh, but maybe send him a heartfelt email saying that you cant carry on in a relationship like this. tell him how much its worrying you, and that he needs to make the effort for more than a week! May make him open his eyes+act more like a b.f. Also, if he's got this new job, y cant he get a new phone???

Former Member · December 2005

I've tried... but I get no reaction, no reply, no word that he ever even got the email...

This is what I don't understand... He's working full time and has never come to see me. I'm a student already in debt and I sacrificed what I had to go see him for a few hours. He said at the weekend he couldn't see me because he was brokeish, or that he doesn't get round to topping up his phone... but he tells me about the £900 bike he bought, or his expensive new guitar equipment.

Former Member · December 2005

harsh reality, but i wouldnt put up with that. you're making all the effort+he's making none, when he's in a better postion to be making an effort!!
do you really, honestly, see your relationship lasting???

Former Member · December 2005

It does sound like he's not making the effort, but before you jump to any conclusions about his feelings etc, it's worth taking into account that he might genuinely be very busy or stressed, or both.

It sounds as though he's relocated away from you, which is doubtlessly very stressful, and if it's a completely new area for him then he's probably trying to find his feet and settle in. As much as you might want him to be pining away for the old situation, he's most likely being very sensible.

That said, it sounds like he's being very unattentive. He should still be keeping in contact, and if he knows that you're in this state, he should be comforting you. You need to lay it on the line; tell him you need to talk, some how. Can't you call him at work, during his lunch hour? Or recommend that he gets the sound on his phone fixed, as that excuse is highly suspect.

In the meantime, try not to stress too much. I know it's easier said than done, I've been in a situation in the past where a bloke kept me hanging on for weeks without contacting me or letting me know what the hell was going on. But try and take a step back; tell him clearly that you aren't happy with the way things are at the moment and you feel you need some clarity on the matter. Once you've told him this, don't keep saying the same thing. The ball's in his court after that.

I hope it works out for you; don't lose heart just yet

Former Member · December 2005

Yes, if he's willing to make the effort. But... it doesn't look like he is... All his friends are really pissed off at him for it. But... as I say... I don't know what I'd do without him...

Former Member · December 2005

briggi wrote:

It does sound like he's not making the effort, but before you jump to any conclusions about his feelings etc, it's worth taking into account that he might genuinely be very busy or stressed, or both.

It sounds as though he's relocated away from you, which is doubtlessly very stressful, and if it's a completely new area for him then he's probably trying to find his feet and settle in. As much as you might want him to be pining away for the old situation, he's most likely being very sensible.

That said, it sounds like he's being very unattentive. He should still be keeping in contact, and if he knows that you're in this state, he should be comforting you. You need to lay it on the line; tell him you need to talk, some how. Can't you call him at work, during his lunch hour? Or recommend that he gets the sound on his phone fixed, as that excuse is highly suspect.

In the meantime, try not to stress too much. I know it's easier said than done, I've been in a situation in the past where a bloke kept me hanging on for weeks without contacting me or letting me know what the hell was going on. But try and take a step back; tell him clearly that you aren't happy with the way things are at the moment and you feel you need some clarity on the matter. Once you've told him this, don't keep saying the same thing. The ball's in his court after that.

I hope it works out for you; don't lose heart just yet

He's been in this job for 4 months now... At first we emailed and chatted all the time... the last two months, however, have been hell.

I've asked him so many times for a home number or a work number. But he's never given me one.

I also sent him some texts at the weekend because I hoped he would answer... I've been feeling very depressed recently (mostly due to this) and was hoping that he'd be there... But no response...

Former Member · December 2005

to be honest, probably the same as what you're doing now, as you never see him, etc. How longs he been doing this job?? just thinking of what briggi wrote

Former Member · December 2005

sounds like you need to give him an ultimatum them, or just move on! im sorry if that's upsetting or not what you want to hear, but i cant see it any other way - obviuosly i aint in your shoes tho

Former Member · December 2005

I will. I'll let him know exactly how I'm feeling. And then... we will see what happens... I just can't stand living like this anymore.

Former Member · December 2005

The fact that he won't give you a home or work number should be telling you that he's probably not planning on intergrating you into this new chapter of his life.

I know that must be really hard to hear, and I'm sorry to say it. But I don't think you should be wasting anymore time on him, he sounds like a complete cock.

Former Member · December 2005

i dont blame you. you've pput up with so much. maybe email him and say that you're sick of being ignored, so if he desnt reply within a week then he's single?? you deserve better!

Former Member · December 2005

Thanks guys... I'll see what I can do...

Former Member · December 2005

good for you! feel free to PM me if you want to talk or anything

Former Member · December 2005

sugar_mouse wrote:

i dont blame you. you've pput up with so much. maybe email him and say that you're sick of being ignored, so if he desnt reply within a week then he's single?? you deserve better!

don't forget the follow up that a man would have been honest enough to have come clean and said it was over, rather than ignoring you and hoping you'd go away.

Former Member · December 2005

have you ever thought that he could ahve gotten with some one else and thay by ignoreing you it was making it easier on him and youd get the hint and leave him alone? im not being horrible here, sorry if it seems it. but chances are he is with someone else right now, and doesnt want you in this new part of his life. by the sounds of it youve made such an affort to keep this relationship goin and his not botered either way. id say dont txt him or ring him and see if he contacts you, if not then you hav eryour answer on how he feels

xxx

Former Member · December 2005

I'm going to be honest here, and I don't know if you'll like it.

I know someone in a very similar situation- she's at uni, he's at home and only visits her when he can be arsed (ie when he wants a shag)- and its making her very very unhappy. Boyfriends don't ignore and evade their girlfriends- if a boyfriend is doing that, then the relationship is over.

I think you are blinded not by love but by dependency. You feel you need someone to validate you, and you will put up with any amount of shit just to avoid being alone. You are largely alone anyway, with a boyfriend who doesn't want to know. It feels like a huge step to actually not having a boyfriend, I know, but it's not that huge a step really.

I think you'd be better off realising that this boy isn't the boy for you, and moving on with your life. He sounds like he is making you terribly unhappy, and no partner should ever ever do that.

If he's behaving like this then you don't have him anyway. Your family and friends are right- you are worth far more than a boyfriend who doesn't want to know.

Former Member · December 2005

You are quite possibly the wisest person I have ever met...

Anyway, I've texted him (because he doesn't often check his emails) and so far no reply. He's got til Monday, when we're supposed to be meeting up anyway.

Fingers crossed, huh?

Former Member · December 2005

So In Love...

I just spoke to him... And we talked about it... And he says he's been busy and away but that he knows that this is no excuse... and he apologised...
He can't make it on Monday, because of works demands (very understandable) but on 19th December... I will get to see him... because he'll be hoome for Xmas for 2 weeks!

It's sorted... we spoke it through... he still loves me... and is very sorry.

Thank you everyone.
xox

What Can I Do?

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