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mens feelings and rape

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
i dont really know how to write this so im just going to say it. my (now ex) gurlfriend was raped last year and after i knew that some1 had raped her i couldnt touch her any more. i didnt want her any more. i feel so ashamed of myself for not supporting her and in the end it was her supporting me until she couldnt take the strain any more and left me. why did i feel like this?? i know she was still the same person but in my head it turned her into someone i couldnt desiyre any more :(
please dont shout at me for feeling like this coz i hate myself for it already. is this unnatural??

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    please dont shout at me for feeling like this coz i hate myself for it already. is this unnatural??

    Nobody is going to hate you for saying how you feel.

    The answer to your question is :no: - it's not unnatural. I'm sure it was a very difficult situation for the both of you to deal with. It's quite probable that every time you looked at her, you saw what had happened to her... and you didn't know how to deal with it - THAT IS NATURAL! You don't have to feel ashamed or guilty that you "couldn't support her" - it's an absolutly awful event for anyone to have to go through, and would certinaly take it's toll on any relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *gone*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i cant suggest anything to help, youve just got to be honest with eachother, but whilst being EXTREMELY tactful
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its not un-natural...and im sorry to hear that it led to you splitting up. Its not easy to know that something so horrible happend to someone so close to you. WHy did you feel that way..? Maybe because you felt guilty that it happend and you couldnt stop it? Maybe because its one of the most vile things that can happen to anyone and it disgusted you? Maybe because you felt that she'd been taken away from you somehow..?

    Sorry if that doesnt do much other than upset you.

    I dont suppose you two are still friends are you? you seem like a nice person and it'd be a shame to lose everything with this girl...

    Peace
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a surprisingly common reaction to what is a serious trauma for you, it's horrible to have your girlfriend tell you that she has been raped. There's a lot of anger and a lot of pain at being told that, and there is no outlet for it, so it builds up and can, and often does, destroy relationships.

    It's not anger at her, as such, but there's anger at what happened to her and that can manifest itself as not being able to fancy her, or actually being angry with her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd cry. I probably would every time I would be alone with a chick like that. That just makes me sad.

    I don't think the reaction you did was unnatural. I think you should just pull yourself together and support her, even if you are breakin up under akward circumstances. I hope you're both alright. :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We are no longer together and i dont see her any more.
    i just cant forgive myself for letting her down so badly, i feel like i must be freak for reacting like that. i should have been protecting her not being revollted. it was like she was a different person afterwards, an unclean person. do you truly think that its normal to feel like that, to be disgusted about touching your own girlfreind??
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can you not say sorry to her? Tell her how you feel, etc?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you considered writing her a letter apologising for how you feel you treated her. Tell her you dont expect to be forgiven, but for what its worth youre very sorry.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ive told her so many times how sorry i am :( i even feel awful for being affected by it like this wen it wasnt me it happned to and i dont know why i do feel like this.
    i suppose what im really asking is would your gurlfriend being raped change your feelings for her and how you see her?? it was so irrashonal but i felt like sex with her after would make me unclean like the rapist had contaminated me as well.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If youve already told her youre sorry then youve just got to forget. Yes it was very wrong for you to treat her the way you did, but you know it was wrong and youve apologised. you cant go back in time and you cant make it better. You had some pretty serious issues with the rape of your girlfriend. The sort of issues that lead women all over the world to not report rapes etc and lead to women being shunned by society because they were victims of abuse. The rape did not make her unclean and it wasnt her fault. You did her wrong in a big way to shun her for it, but youve said sorry so theres not much else you can do. Keeping on saying sorry and repenting, isnt going to make you feel any better and its certainly not going to make her feel better. What do you expect her to do? pat you on the back and say "well done, You did the right thing".
    Just treat her as the normal person she is. Stop apologising and going on about it. The fact she is a rape survivor doesnt define who she is as a person but it seems thats all you think about when you think of her. If that is true then you wont be much use to her as a friend so just let it go.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^^ agreed with, very well done as well.
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