Hoping a rant can help with overthinking

AC30

Hi Everyone! I have just joined and I'm hoping that having a little rant every now and again can help me...used to do this with my flatmates and now I am not living with them I've realised how useful I found it and how much it calms me down.

I am a bit of an overthinker and a perfectionist. I really don't like making mistakes because I feel like when I do the people (in this context, that I work with) are judging me or don't think I am good at my job. I've always been a bit like this, but I really don't want it to interfere with my job because I love it. Basically today I was meant to go to an appointment, tried to cancel it, couldn't because the people wouldn't pick up the phone and now it has gone down on my record as a no show and my manager has been informed. I am just worried that she's going to wonder why I haven't been to this appointment earlier and that I am doing something wrong. Any advice on how to stop overthinking/thinking my mistakes will mean people don't like me?

Ech0

Hello @AC30 , welcome to the Mix and it is nice to meet you. Being able to come somewhere and let things out can make such a difference when your thoughts start spiralling. It’s really self-aware of you to notice how much calmer you feel when you can talk things through, and it makes complete sense that you’d miss that now you’re not living with your flatmates. You’re absolutely welcome to use this space in that way.

It really sounds like you’re carrying a lot of pressure inside yourself and holding yourself to such a high standard. That kind of response shows you care deeply and want to do well but those thoughts don’t necessarily reflect the reality. One missed appointment, particularly when you genuinely tried to cancel it, doesn’t say anything about your ability, your effort, or your worth as a person or employee. It’s very unlikely your manager is seeing this in the same painful, critical way that your mind is right now. It’s very unlikely your manager is viewing this through the same critical lens that your worries are using. Situations like this are usually seen as simple, understandable admin hiccups that happen to everyone and I expect managers encounter them far more often than we tend to realise. The story your worries are telling you at the moment is probably much scarier and heavier than the one anyone else is holding, and you deserve some kindness and reassurance while you sit with those feelings.

Something a reassuring idea when our minds start to race is to separate what actually happened from the worries that get layered on top of it. The facts are just the simple events themselves, while the worries are the fears your mind adds such as being judged, or about this moment changing how you’re seen. When those thoughts start to creep in, it can help to pause and imagine how you would respond if someone you care about shared the same experience with you. You’d almost certainly meet them with support, encouragement and kindness, and it’s very likely that others are holding you with that same compassion and understanding too.

This resource looks at common thinking patterns that can make worries feel louder, and offers kinder, more balanced ways of looking at things when your mind starts jumping to conclusions. There’s absolutely no pressure to look at it, but if it feels right, you might find it reassuring:
https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/UnhelpfulThinkingHabitsWithAlternatives.pdf

It’s also really important to remember that being good at your job doesn’t mean getting everything right all the time. It means showing up with care, doing your best, learning as you go, and continuing even on the days that feel difficult. The fact that you love your job and put your heart into your work says far more about you than any small mistake ever could. Your mistakes do not define you and they do not undo the consistency, effort, thoughtfulness, and value you bring with you every day. All of that still exists, just as strongly, even when your mind is trying to convince you otherwise.

You’re doing better than you think, and you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Whenever you need someone to share with or lean on, we’re here, holding space for you.

AC30

Thanks, it really does help speaking things through. I mainly just struggle with not wanting people to be annoyed at me, or cause people bother. Something else which is happening is I'm trying to move into a flat and whenever I am looking at places and showing my family I worry what their reactions are going to be. I've found this amazing place but when you look on the street view it's got graffiti etc. on it. I've been down the street at it isn't actually like that, but I worry that after showing my family they'll not like it and their opinion will taint my view of it. I really value their opinion but I don't think they realise how much it sways me and I worry that I will miss out on something great. I also don't want them to think im being stupid or considering a bad area because Im not and it's actually a great area, just doesn't look great on maps. I know they are doing it out of care but I can't help but think they think im being idiotic. It's meaning im not sharing things because I want to enjoyed them and be positive but I know they won't be and it'll ruin my experience.

Ech0

@AC30 It makes total sense that you’re feeling this way. It’s clear how much you care about your family’s opinion and that you value their perspective which shows how thoughtful and considerate you are, but I also hear that their reactions feel heavy and can affect how you see things that matter to you. Moving into a new flat is such a big decision and it’s understandable that you want to enjoy the process without feeling worried about what anyone else thinks.

One way to help with this might be to focus on your own experience first. Try to really connect with what excites you about the flat , maybe the light, the layout, the feel of the rooms, the location, or other small details. You could even write them down and make a little list of what you love. Seeing those things clearly can remind you of why the flat is special to you and help you trust your own judgment. Your feelings about it are valid and you deserve to let yourself enjoy that positivity fully.

It’s completely okay to give yourself time before showing the flat to your family. You don’t have to rush into sharing it with anyone until you feel ready and comfortable. If the time comes that you do want to share it with your family, perhaps you can approach it in a way that focuses on your own feelings and highlights what matters most to you. You would be able to guide the conversation and prioritise your own experience and to choose what to share. Your family’s perspective can be part of the picture, but it doesn’t take away from the value of the flat and how much it means to you. Even if they don’t fully grasp what makes the flat so special to you right now, that doesn’t mean they won’t eventually come around. Maybe, once they see how much thought and care you’ve put into this decision, and once they notice how happy you feel about the flat, they may begin to share in your excitement and feel reassured themselves.

Your judgment, insight, and feelings about the flat matter most, and it’s completely acceptable to balance care for your family’s opinions with care for your own experience. All of the research and preparation you have done gives you a really strong foundation to trust your own perspective. Try to give yourself permission to enjoy the process fully. This is your life and your space, and it’s okay to trust your instincts and move forward with confidence. You’re allowed to feel proud of your choices and embrace this next chapter, you deserve it.