How things are going

Redemption

Having started a job recently, I’m now in work after a nearly two-year job search filled with setbacks, and that context matters to understanding everything else. Before this role there were failed interviews, jobs I didn’t get, and several setbacks, each one reinforcing doubts about my ability and fear that I wasn’t good enough. The job itself is mundane and physically tough, with freezing early mornings in the dark, being up at 6am to go in, leaving at 6:30 and waiting in my car, hoovering floors and doing tasks I never imagined I’d be doing, made heavier by leaving the house while everyone else is still asleep, which can feel lonely and isolating, and it’s meant to be a stop-gap, a first job rather than a long-term destination. I know I complained a lot about not having a job, and now that I’ve finally got one I still find myself complaining, but I see it as a partial fix rather than a full solution, something I’m still getting used to, especially as it’s a fair distance away, and something that will do for now until the next thing comes along, hopefully closer to home, because it’s not a full fix and I still have other things in life going on too.

I constantly worry about making mistakes and fear getting sacked, especially during probation, but by late morning the work feels more manageable, and finishing the shift brings a quiet sense of achievement knowing I’ve done the grind and still have the rest of the day ahead. Outside of work, loneliness, introversion, low mood, irritability, financial pressure, and constant worry can make life feel overwhelming, yet continuing to show up after such a long and difficult search is proof that I haven’t given up, that I’m resilient, and that I’m still pushing forward despite everything.