TW- mention of passing. (Deaths)

This year I know Christmas is going to be challenging. It's my first year without my fiancé, my brother, and my friend. My brother and friend used to live here with me due to issues, I let them live in my home so they had some place warm to stay. So not having them around has already been a bit difficult but not having them around on Christmas will feel different.
Not being able to spend time with my fiance for Christmas will be horrible. Obviously i am going to keep my mood up for my son but it doesn't mean I won't have difficult feelings on the day.

I still think about how me and my fiance never had the chance to move in together, we never had the chance to do anything that we planned to do. Her life was drastically cut short.
my brother, he deserved better. He may of not had a home if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't of had any place warm if it wasn't for me. I had an open home and let him stay with me but he passed which was awful, I organised the service, but if it wasn't for me he wouldn't of had anything.

And my Friend, living with a life long condition is difficult, especially when you have nobody to support you which is why I let them live in my home, so I could support them as I also have the same condition, but knowing they passed from a condition I have brings on difficult feelings. Spending Christmas without that company will be hard.

A while ago I had a friend pass from mental health, it was awful to witness and I was down for ages about how I didn't get to them in time.

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Comments

Verity

Hi @Animalloverb thank you for sharing that, it sounds like the anticpation of Christmas is making you reflect on some very hard memories and emotions, it's great that you are able to talk about the grief you are feeling here and I really hope it gives you some relief, I'm sure you are helping others by speaking out.

Keeping your mood up for your son is very strong and admirable, but it must be hard. You are doing great just by being there for him. I hope you know your feelings are welcome here and it's completely okay to feel this way, you are not alone.

Ech0

@Animalloverb
I can only imagine how heavy this season must feel for you. You carry the absence of so many people who meant the world to you. Your fiancé, your brother, your friend—each of them held a unique place in your life. It’s completely understandable that Christmas will feel different, quieter, and more painful without them.

The love and care you showed by opening your home, offering warmth and being a source of comfort speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. You not only provided shelter but have given people safety, and companionship.

It’s deeply painful that your plans with your fiancé were cut short. That kind of loss leaves a space that words can’t fill. Saying goodbye after offering so much care is a weight nobody should have to carry alone.

You’ve shown so much strength carrying all this. You keep your spirits up for your son while continuing to offer support to others which is incredibly selfless, though I hope you know you deserve that same care and support in return. This community is here for you: not just to listen but to hold space for whatever you’re feeling. You’re not alone, and you never have to be.

Animalloverb

Thank you @Verity and @Ech0

Animalloverb

No I don't deserve care or support.

Ech0

@Animalloverb I’m so sorry that you feel that way — that somewhere along the way, someone or something made you believe you don’t deserve support. Because you absolutely do.
I know it might be hard to feel deserving of support right now, especially when you’ve been through so much and given so much of yourself to others. But you don’t need to be a certain way to be worthy of kindness. You already are just by being here and just by being you.
Support isn’t something you have to earn. It’s something you’re allowed to receive , especially when things feel heavy.
We’re here with you, not because you owe anyone anything, but simply because you matter and what you’ve been through matters. Even if it’s difficult to accept right now, please remember that you are worthy of support and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Animalloverb

@Ech0

I appreciate it, but sadly I don't deserve support or anything like that. It has been proven many times.
I deserve suffering. I just get by on my own like I always have.

Verity

Hey @Animalloverb I want to reasure you that everyone deserves care and support, I understand you feel that you are alone in this, but we are here for you. If you are comfortable sharing, (and please don't feel like you have too) do you feel that you don't deseverve support because you were denied it at some point? you mentioned 'it has been proven many times' I'm sorry you feel this way.

Animalloverb

@Verity
Everybody avoids me, they all hate me, I am disrespected. When I say I need support they say I don't, or they refuse to even listen to me.

I don't deserve support because I am worthless to everyone.

Sian321

Hi @Animalloverb , how are you doing today? It sounded like you were coping with some really difficult feelings these past few days especially, including a feeling of being worthless. We’re here for you, and I wonder if you’d feel comfortable sharing some more about what might have triggered these feelings of worthlessness, and what things have been like emotionally in some of the hardest moments lately? You’re doing so well to share, and I recognise that can be really hard when we’ve had painful experiences of people turning away when we need help. That sounds so isolating for you to have had to go through.

Animalloverb

@Sian321

I have not been that great today.

I don't really know how to explain it. Sorry it has taken me such a long time, I have been extremely busy and then got distracted by working on a huge project.