TW// suicide - I’m back to rock bottom

River

Strong details of self harm so proceed with caution!! No description of self harm or pictures just details of what feeling I get from it internally!!!

Honestly I don’t know what happened it’s weird it’s like one minute I was doing well and then all of a sudden I’m back wanting to cry 24/7, wanting to relapse again, part of me feels like it’s due to the comfort of not feeling okay but honestly I don’t know maybe I’m scared, maybe I’m scared that if im being discharged then I’ll be back to wanting to die and unable to be safe? Lately I’ve been thinking about things, people that hurt me in the past and like wanting to be in contact with them again for that firmiliarity of being hurt again?

So as some know I was a member of youth voice and community connectors however last week I made the decision to step away from it because I was starting to feel unable to juggle everything but it’s weird now I’ve left I feel lost I don’t know it’s probably so stupid and I don’t know if this is against rules I’m assuming it’s not but yeah I chose to prioritise my mental health but now I have everything has come crashing down on me for some strange reasons.

I want to self harm again just to feel the pain like I don’t like seeing my scars gone I don’t like that they healed, I used to smile when I’d look at my sh because I always used it to punish me?

Anyways I’m sorry this is really stupid and I’ve not vented in a long long time on here so feel free to ignore 💚

Take care!

Sian321

Hi there @River , thank you so much for making this post. I hear you saying that you're worried what you're sharing could be seen as 'stupid', and you haven't opened up here in this way perhaps for a long time. So I just want to acknowledge the courage that it can take to let yourself be vulnerable here. You've done really well to put these feelings into writing, and we're here for you as a Community to listen without judgement.

You've described some really poignant feelings and reflections here, letting us know that you can feel yourself being drawn somehow to the familiarity of being hurt, or wanting to relapse again, perhaps because there is something about not feeling okay that is comfortable, or something about self-punishment that felt within your control - a way of coping that's felt self-protective in the past maybe? We hear you, River, and it is valid that you're feeling lost in ways right now. I really hear you getting curious about your feelings, and taking time to listen into yourself.

It sounds like there's been a lot of change going on for you lately - possibly being discharged soon, moving away from CC and Youth Voice for now. I can imagine these changes could feel surreal maybe - as though parts of your life are shifting, and maybe even parts of how you understand and know yourself too. It sounds like it's felt disorienting? I wonder, when you say you feel lost, what do you feel lost from?

How are you feeling about the idea of possibly being discharged too? Has there been a time communicated to you when this might happen? I hear you saying you're frightened that you might not be able to keep safe afterwards. That sounds really anxiety-inducing River, and perhaps overwhelming too - moving away from a certain kind of support and into a phase of life that feels new again. I really do hear just how much change you're facing right now, and it's so valid that you're feeling stirred up on the inside too, craving something familiar or something 'known'. We're right here with you to listen.

Thinking about today, I wonder if there's anything or anyone you can think of that might help you to keep safe through these SH urges?

I'll pop a few resources below if helpful. Sending lots of care your way.

Sian321

Resources:

https://calmharm.stem4.org.uk/
https://giveusashout.org/
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-having-difficult-time/if-you-want-self-harm/

River

Morning @Sian321 i think because from Monday I won’t have that weekly support anymore because Katie is discharging me my head is feeling like it wants to sabotage the work I’ve done so far in recovery - when I was doing sessions it felt like I had something to keep me on track yk? Idk it’s hard

Self harm has been on my mind a lot lately and I’m not so sure why when I was doing so well

I’ll check the resources out thank you 💚

Sian321

@River , I hear you, and it is so, so valid that moving away from that support feels extremely daunting. I wonder if you've had a chance to share these feelings of wanting to sabotage with Katie or to explore what things might be like after discharge?

Self harm has been on my mind a lot lately and I’m not so sure why when I was doing so well

I hear you, and it can feel really disconcerting sometimes when we've put so, so much energy and effort into taking care of ourselves to suddenly feel older and familiar feelings slipping back in. It sounds like already you're responding to these urges with a lot of self-curiosity and compassion, which is so positive! Noticing for yourself, 'I wonder if this is because SH feels familiar? I wonder if it's because a part of me wants to sabotage?' You're getting curious, and you're listening into yourself, and that can be a huge step. It is valid for your mental health journey to not be linear right now, and that doesn't have to negate all the work you've put in to be feeling more well. All of those experiences and positive sessions with Katie are 100% real, and I wonder if two things can be true at once here? - That it can be true that you've been doing so well, and that the thought of completing your sessions is also stirring up some familiar, difficult feelings.

This might seem an odd question, but if that urge to do or feel something familiar could speak, what would it say right now? Would it tell you they're scared? What would they say they're afraid of? What might they tell you they need?

I wonder if there are any other areas of familiarity or comfort that you could really lean into right now, for example, making a written list of 5 things that won't change in your day-to-day, even after discharge? For example, taking your favorite walk, or cuddling with Barney. Or maybe watching an old TV show you used to love, or listening to familiar music? Is there anything else you can think of that might help life post-discharge to feel a little less daunting?

We're here with you, River, and come Monday, Community will be here for you as we have been - that's one aspect of life that's staying the same!

River

@Sian321 i struggle a lot with change so I think having to navigate things on my own again is scary like I know I’m capable of doing great but do I want to? Do I want to live a life where I’ll actually feel okay? I don’t know I think I’m so used to feeling like garbage that I need that back like I don’t get who I am without that 🥲

I think I might bring it up to Katie on Monday and I’ve also been thinking about seeing the safeguarding lead at college you know so I have someone incase I need it? I’m not sure

My hair dye comes today so I’m gonna distract myself with that as well as probably finish the HSMTMTS

Speaking of Barney