(Suicidal thoughts but no plan) I’m tired of fighting

bignosegirly0

I have to stay alive because of my family. My grandad is probably on the verge of dying and I fear killing myself would cause him a heart attack, leading to an early death. I also don’t want my family to be depressed for the rest of their lives. But my god, I am fucking tired of fighting.

All I want to do is cry, because that’s all I’m good at. I don’t see a future ahead of me. I just want to die. It’s a fucking struggle trying to keep my shit together where I feel like I am at my fucking limit and one step away from losing my shit

I just want things to get better. When I was suicidal and harming myself at 11, I hoped that things would be better when I become an adult. Nothing has changed. I’m still that weak, depressed, vulnerable little child who’s wasting her years away due to autism and poor mental health.

I’m seeing a therapist and unfortunately, nothing has improved because the issues that are making me depressed hasn’t been solved or removed:

•The people in my workplace makes me depressed and contribute to negative beliefs about myself (unworthy, undesirable, etc). Yet I’ve been job searching since last summer. Recently, I’ve applied for three jobs, so if there is a god, I fucking pray that he gets me out of this shit hole.

•My past of negative experiences also contributes to negative beliefs about myself

My therapist has stated a few times that I must feel “trapped”, which I feel is a sign that things won’t get better for me.

I just want my emotional suffering to end already.

Sian321

Hi @bignosegirly0 , thank you so much for reaching out and talking about this. It can take so much courage to put our feelings into words like this. I hear you, and I hear the seriousness of what you're going through. I will drop you a DM via the Staff account to check in further this morning.

Redemption

Hey @bignosegirly0 Im so so sorry you are feeling like this , I can see you are going through a really rough time but please remember you are valued, cared for, the world is such a better place with you here and things will get better especially as you are trying. Ive left some links to services that you might find helpful. Please stay safe

The first one opens at 5pm so not open as Im typing this but will be 5pm till 12pm, second open 6pm till 11pm on the weekend and 6pm 10pm during the week, 3rd open 24 hours but may not be available online just text

https://www.thecalmzone.net/


https://kellysheroes.org.uk/


https://www.samaritans.org/donate-mental-health/?campaign_name=PAID2526_A&utm_source=google&utm_medium=psearch&utm_campaign=igrg_brand_search&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21565411426&gclid=CjwKCAjwobnGBhBNEiwAu2mpFI1Lb9G6Y_FKtyqujAKCYTQjfnwNXoLsvWgkXrSAq5zMKdscbaqT5xoCFwMQAvD_BwE

eylah

sending you so many hugs @bignosegirly0 . remember these helplines are here to support you if you’re in crisis.

shout - 85258
samaritans - 116123 or email jo@samritans.org ( takes several days to get a response)
papryus (hopeline247) txt - 88247 or call 08000684141
111 option 2 your local mental health service.
you can always go to a&e where they’ll give you someone to talk to and a mh assessment.
111 for urgent medical advice
999 in an emergency.

you matter