[TW Suicidal Thoughts] Depression, Results day, & vent

Jack25

I feel so depressed, really really low. My suicidal thoughts are so loud,

I wamt to die

im tired of fightinf against them. I don't deserve this life, when everyone and myself would be better off without me. I don't have the energy to eat or drink but I have to. I've just remembered about results day next week and I don't want to go, I don't want to pretend to be ok around others, and I really don't want to be reminded of school, becoming depressed again and watching the last year of school be a waste will make me kick myself so hard. I will be so upset, maybe it will push me over, I'm already on the edge with these thoughts, and I wouldn't mind being pushed over the edge, I just want all this to stop. It just reminds of everything I've lost each time I slip into a depressive episode, and this time I feel like I've lost everything, myself, friends, I suppose family, school, my aspirations, being able to function without all this, and I hate being a burden to everyone.

I don't want to figure out what to do next, resit? uni? gap-year? I don't even see a next step because it's been trying to get through day by day for so long. CAMHS are suggesting I'm well enough to go, I don't like the feeling of missing out, being behind & not following what I wanted before, but uni feels like a lot when the basics feel so heavy, I don't want university to shake things up? Having my already lack of worth judged more by my grades is distressing.

I don't know how to explain this (not going to uni) to my parents because they are unsupportive of my mental health, and won't understand, and wouldn't try to, and I don't want to explain my MH to them - it's not a good idea.

I just want to die anyways, it would be better for everyone if I did, my problems are meaningless.

My suicidal thoughts are so intense I can't distract myself easily I'm struggling to cope I'm so tired of this. Self care is really hard, I feel so slow at moving. The thoughts won't stop. I'm probably just lazy.

I know everyone around me sees that I can't put on a smile anymore, and that I'm creating problems, I look ungrateful, selfish and I feel like a horrible person, i dont deserve to be alive.

I keep getting worse and going backwards no matter what I do. I'm tired of CAMHS causing me problems, the psychiatrist making me out to be a problem has stuck with me, raising her voice, idk why I was even sent to CAMHS if they weren't going to offer any support in the first place.

Why do these always turn out so long, I'm so so so sorry for causing more problems I might delete this later,

I'm safe and thank you

sinead276

Hey there @Jack25

First of all I want to say I’m glad you’re safe at the moment despite all these negative thoughts which are going on. It sounds like a lot to be dealing with all at once, especially with results day around the corner. The most important thing is that you’re here and still fighting, and both myself and I think others here on the mix would agree in that we are so proud of you for that. You deserve to be here and you deserve happiness in your life just as much as everyone else, no matter how challenging it may be to feel that way right now. And it is okay if right now its hard to feel positive, it doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person in any way. We often can’t have complete control over how we feel, but the fact you’re still going and fighting through speaks volumes about how awesome of a person you are.

Regarding results day, it’s okay to be nervous and anxious about it, and not wanting to be reminded about school etc. Perhaps there are little things you could do to make it a little bit easier for yourself on the day, such as finding a quiet place to open your results so you’re not around other people. It’s often the case as well that there may be people around your school/college on the day (usually staff) to give support and guidance about next steps which may be helpful for you.

As for university, I think there’s never any rush for it. If you do end up going, a lot of universities have mental health and wellbeing support available for students, so it may also be something worth finding out. But it’s also important to do what you feel is best for you, whether that be university or another pathway. Regardless, your mental health is the main concern and you deserve to be supported whatever you decide to do.

We are all always here for you, so post as many long posts as you want – because all any of us want is for you to be okay and for you to be able to let out your thoughts and feelings and be heard. Because they are valid and deserved to be listened too.

Sending you the biggest of hugs.

Katie

Hey @Jack25 you've done so well to reach out to our Community and put these thoughts out. You also don't need to apologise about this being a long post - we're here to support you and listen. Whether you do decide you'd like this post deleted is totally up to you, but how are you feeling now after posting this?

I know you mentioned you are safe, but I'm wondering what is helping you to feel safe at the moment? It sounds like your suicidal thoughts are pretty intense right now and you're struggling to distract yourself. Have you been able to speak to anyone about these thoughts you're having?

Struggling with mental health isn't ungrateful or selfish, and doesn't make you a horrible person Jack. Having suicidal thoughts isn't a choice, and from what you've explained here, it sounds like you would rather be following what you wanted to do before, like maybe uni, but without this mental pain you have right now. Does that sound right? You aren't choosing to feel like this and it isn't your fault. I can hear how exhausted you are from fighting against your thoughts and maybe also feeling some pressure about what to do next. How did you feel when CAMHS suggested you was well enough to go to uni?

I also hear that you've slipped into depressive episodes before, and I'm wondering what helped you in the past to come out of the episode?

If you did feel at any point that you were going to act on your thoughts of suicide, then we would urge you to call the emergency services on 999, or go to your local A&E department to explain your intentions to them, so that they can support you.

I'll pop some support options down below which can help with suicidal thoughts - you deserve support Jack:

Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
Papyrus - https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
CALM - https://www.thecalmzone.net/
SHOUT 24/7 Text service - https://giveusashout.org/