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loneliness in recovery

slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
in Sex & Relationships
it's pretty much official: i will not be seeing my main, "private" friends until i recover from depression. i can't contact them, and i have to both block and delete their contacts

the thought of it honestly scares me. i'm losing my tight-knit, the only friends i can actually see in real life. yes, i have friends in school and extracurriculars, but it's not the same. none of them are close to me like the ones i have out of school

hopefully if my parents allow me to go to their birthday party, i will say goodbye to that support system. i won't be seeing them for god knows how long. i just feel so lost, hopeless, and scared knowing that they're just gone. it worries me so much because what if i don't recover? will i not see them again? who will i invite to my own birthday party now? i don't want other friends, i just want them. even if i really wanted to "replace" them, i'm so awful at socializing that it takes me months to truly have a close friend again

i'm trying so hard to be patient with recovery. my parents and 2 professionals say that's what's best for me, but i'm so scared. i can't lose them. my mind is such a mess now, i can't imagine what it'll be once they're officially gone. i don't know what to do anymore
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  • slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
    my god, i just realized these are my only real-life friends besides school. fuck my life

    i'm losing an entire network of friends
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,731 Boards Guru
    Im so sorry, this sounds like the last thing you need right now and I so wish people could see it from your perspective. Is it just your parents who are saying you can’t be friends with them until you’ve recovered? That’s not gonna help you be patient with it. I’m not really sure what to say but I’m so sorry. We’re here for you but i know it’s not the same. 🫂🫂
  • slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
    edited July 16
    @AnonymousToe unfortunately, a pediatrician and a manager of a therapy program (i saw psychology degree in her office, so i would assume she's qualified) said this was the best move for my parents
    because all my friends happen to SH or have a history of it in some way, shape or form.

    the manager also said that tracking both my phone and computer would be good as well, which is also making me more anxious LOL. my privacy is just completely shattered, and my trust in my parents is just damaged

    i'm giving the health professionals the benefit of the doubt since they both don't know me as well and are just going with the basic safety plan/protocol. i just hope that this works since i know me not seeing my friends isn't permanent. luckily, my mum has agreed to keep their contacts herself, that way she can give them updates on my progress. it's very hard and i'm still digesting it but if it does get worse without them even with therapy, i'll try to see if i can change my parents' mind again

    for now, i'm just really exhausted. i'm not sure what else to do from here

    thank you for your support. it really does help. let's hope that my recovery is swift so i can see them again lol 🫂🫂
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 2,248 Boards Champion
    @slovie thank you so much for this post. How are you doing today?

    It really does sound so hard to be asked to distance yourself from these friends who mean so, so much to you. I really hear just how deeply you care for them and what they mean to you. And I wonder what taking care of yourself look like at this time?

    Might there be a way for you to symbolically say 'goodbye' or 'see you later' to your friends while contact isn't an option, e.g. to write them each a little letter maybe to keep just for yourself, or to create a Playlist on Spotify for each of them as a way to help you still feel connected?

    To have your privacy shattered and your trust for your parents damaged sounds really, really overwhelming and upsetting. It sounds like you're having to cope with so much right now on top of a lot of big changes.

    I hope you can find space and time to allow yourself to feel however you do right now, and to allow yourself the space to be sad / to miss your friends.

    You're doing so well to talk about this with us.
  • slovieslovie Posts: 18 Settling in
    @Sian321 thank you for your words

    honestly, i feel even worse than before. having to wake up miserable and knowing that i'm losing them is hard

    i hope there will be a way for me to have closure. i was planning to write them a goodbye letter in a birthday party, but obviously my parents are debating if i should even go or not. currently and unfortunately, this is my crutch for closure. i feel like i need to at least see them again. plus, i can't even have the private letter or spotify playlist since my parents might check my room and they completely monitor my devices now :( they want me to cut them off as quickly as possible, which really sucks

    my parents are not perfect. i know they're trying their best, but i don't like the way they're dealing with
    my SH and suicidal thoughts. it goes against exactly why i SH in the first place: to have *control* over my emotions.
    real life professionals i see back this up as well, but i've been reading online that this is the opposite thing to do. i just don't know anymore lol
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