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Can't win... don't want to go in yet cry when i don't
Invisible_me
Posts: 451 Listening Ear
in Work & Study
It's like I cabt win..
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
Let week when I didnt go work because i was ill I was crying that I wanted to try and go in, routine broke now when it comes to going in tomorrow I don't want to! The anxiety is draining me!
My managers in he'll be like how are you as soon as he sees me seeing he's not seen me for a while his been off,ill prob end up giving him that "go away look" which he thinks is my fustrated/overwhelmed look. And I don't want him to think I'm weak! If I need tone to regulate when I go into work after 1hr travel 2 buses, is that being weak?? Consider I work as a young people wellbeing mentor... so does this mean I'm weak?? How can I mentor others when i need regulate time?? Several have said that. His hinted at this as well but also says uts oksy and has been allowing me regulate time.
He'll also be on me for ticking off my probation targets which I know needs doing but like I know I'm going to fail, so dont set the point, its overwhelming or confusing to know how to ask team can you shoe me this? That?? or ill pass it but still won't be confident doing certain things independently.
Only thing I can think of is like 1 week he looked at it and said today focus on this this and get this person to show you, they're doing it now. Ahd like that helped because it was very clear to me! Telling me tick off probabatoon checklist is like "whst? How? When?" People don't understand when you have autism you need to know when to ask, how yo ask, whst to say, plan whst they'll respond, how they'll respond etc... and thst is so stressful so I just put it off!
2
Comments
It really does sound so draining, what you describe - those conflicting feelings and the anxiety it creates. I hear you, and you're doing so well to talk about this.
It sounds hard for your routine to have broken when you were sick and couldn't go into work - I know you've been working so hard to feel comfortable in your work place and to collaborate with your management to find systems that feel supportive to. You've been putting a lot of dedication into this, and it sounds really tough to feel that getting disrupted.
You said that you're worried that other people might think you're 'weak' for needing some time to regulate at work - is that right? That sounds difficult, @Invisible_me - that fear of judgement maybe. What do you think? Do you feel it makes you weak at all? From my perspective, it is very, very valid that you might need some time to regulate yourself when you're at work (especially after your long commute there), and in fact, it feels really positive that you are acknowledging your own needs and that you know what you need to feel more regulated and comfortable!
I see what you're saying, and just how much extra thought, consideration, and planning goes into asking a question like that. That sounds really tiring and a lot of pressure too.
We're here for you and we're listening if you'd like to explore this more!