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Feeling alone
Redemption
Community Connector Posts: 4,722 The Mix Elder
I’ve been feeling quite alone, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I think about having a girlfriend a lot and sometimes even say things like “Mrs” or “missus” to feel more grown up. I’ve never had a relationship, though I’ve come close before but something always seems to get in the way. I’ve tried dating sites but many of them require payment just to see who likes you or to message people, which I find frustrating. Most of the time I don’t feel that spark with people on there and when I do reach out, I rarely get a reply. I don’t feel confident using dating apps and being around 5 foot 4 I sometimes worry that might limit me, even though I know I have good qualities. I’m loyal, funny, ambitious and would genuinely look after the right woman. I’ve been struggling a long time and it can be really helpful to have someone or something we care about and for them to care about us too. I feel that way with this community but it’s unfortunate because early this morning I was lying in bed feeling upset and overwhelmed thinking that eventually I’ll have to finish off here. I still have time left but I believe having someone in my personal life who I care about and who cares about me would be helpful in a more permanent way. Someone who supports me and who I can support back.
I always thought I’d wait until I had a job before getting into a relationship and I probably still will but if the right person came along now I’d consider it. I’ve felt more lonely recently and the idea of having someone now feels comforting, though I’m not putting a lot of effort into actively searching. Ideally I’d like to meet someone naturally through work, hobbies or places I go rather than relying on apps, though I’d still consider using them. I don’t have everything clearly planned out but I know what I want long term. I want someone to go on holidays with, buy a house with, enjoy life and nice cars with and build a future together. A few months ago I didn’t even speak to any females on social media but now I do through a group chat for my course. They’re more just friends though, not really my type and I don’t feel that spark, which I hope doesn’t sound rude. It’s just hard sometimes, trying to get a job, find a relationship and move forward in life. Even though I’m focusing on getting into work, the thought of being in a relationship is on my mind constantly. I’m 23, nearly 24, and I’ve never had a relationship, never hugged a girl and I’m still a virgin, which makes me feel even more behind.
I always thought I’d wait until I had a job before getting into a relationship and I probably still will but if the right person came along now I’d consider it. I’ve felt more lonely recently and the idea of having someone now feels comforting, though I’m not putting a lot of effort into actively searching. Ideally I’d like to meet someone naturally through work, hobbies or places I go rather than relying on apps, though I’d still consider using them. I don’t have everything clearly planned out but I know what I want long term. I want someone to go on holidays with, buy a house with, enjoy life and nice cars with and build a future together. A few months ago I didn’t even speak to any females on social media but now I do through a group chat for my course. They’re more just friends though, not really my type and I don’t feel that spark, which I hope doesn’t sound rude. It’s just hard sometimes, trying to get a job, find a relationship and move forward in life. Even though I’m focusing on getting into work, the thought of being in a relationship is on my mind constantly. I’m 23, nearly 24, and I’ve never had a relationship, never hugged a girl and I’m still a virgin, which makes me feel even more behind.
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Comments
I wonder whether you could reach out to a close friend when your feeling lonely? Or even open up to a friend about how your feeling, as they may be able to offer some advise or they may even be in a similar position.
Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe you could try a group activity or course, for example maybe a pottery class or if your more into sport you could join a run club or a gym class. This may be a great way of meeting new people and fulfilling this sense of connection with others it sounds like your seeking.
And don't worry it doesn't sound rude at all. Not everyone you meet will end up being a romantic connection, even if that was your initial intention and that doesn't say anything about you or the other person, just that they're not meant for you.
It sounds really positive that you're listening to yourself here, and to those feelings that come up when you find yourself craving connection - to care and be cared for - perhaps in a more long-term or intimate way. That makes sense, and I wonder how it feels to acknowledge that? To be noticing yourself thinking, hey, I might be ready for that! I might want a connection and a source of care that feels a bit more central in my life, and could be in my future!
You mentioned that using dating apps feels a bit conflicting for you because of the payment barriers sometimes, and you also mentioned some worries about your height possibly. You're doing really well to talk about this, and we appreciate your trust in sharing. It's really positive to hear you also naming things about yourself that you feel confidence around, like your loyalty or your humour too. What kind of attributes would you say you'd like for a potential future partner to have to? What are some personality traits that you often feel pulled to?
I hear you, and that feeling of being behind sounds like quite a lot of pressure too. As though there is something 'wrong' or not quite right about exactly where you are. I hear you, and at the same time, there truly are so, so many different and diverse ways to live a life - all of which are valid. Relationships, love, connection, intimacy - these paths will look different for every person, with some people for instance having a 'chapter' of their life where friendship really is the main focus, or other 'chapters' where a 1:1 romantic connection is their main source of support. When you hear yourself say that you have never hugged a girl, not had sex, not been in a relationship, what kind of feelings does that bring up for you? - I'm wondering if there's sadness there, a feeling of being left out, or maybe excitement, curiosity?
We're listening, and you're doing so well to talk about this!