(Suicidal thoughts) Feeling hopeless

bignosegirly0

I’m safe and don’t plan on killing myself at the moment. And even if I were to act out on any plans, I’m 100% likely to stop out of fear of being caught or due to the pain being too unbearable.

But I feel so fucking hopeless at the moment. I am waiting for my counsellor to respond in regards to a fifteen minute introduction session. She did mention that she’s quite busy, so I assured her that she could take as much time as she can to look at the slideshow I presented, explaining my issues.

But I just really wish I was dead at the moment.

I wish I had the courage to properly kill myself without backing out. Because I am so tired of fighting. It feels like I’m doing this for nothing.

It feels like a waste of time being alive when I mean nothing in this world. I mean I do mean something to some people, but I’m still regarded as nothing in the real world.

I’m just hate being stuck in a cycle which I can’t escape, usually because it is triggered by situations in the real world

shannon_164

hey @bignosegirly0 🙂

i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way right now. we hear how exhausted and overwhelmed you are. it’s ok to feel lost sometimes, especially when it seems like things aren’t moving or changing fast enough. you are not nothing, even if it doesn’t feel like it now, your presence matters, and your pain is real and valid. i’m glad you’re in touch with a counsellor and have taken the step to share your story, that’s incredibly brave.

in case you need, here are some support options too:

if you’re feeling unsafe pls reach out for immediate support from the following:
nhs 111 - england / scotland / wales (option 2 for mental health)

phone first - northern ireland (8am-6pm monday-friday; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

out of hours - northern ireland (6pm-7:30am monday-friday, 24/7 weekends; the number will vary depending on the health & social care trust area that you live in)

999 - england / scotland / wales / northern ireland

uk helplines - some of these are specific to england / scotland / wales / northern ireland & also depend on age too:
childline (24/7) - call 08001111

shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

hopeline (24/7) - text 88247

samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website

sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

we are all here for you

Sian321

Hi @bignosegirly0 , thank you for your post here, and I really want to echo what @shannon_164 has said here in that we hear just how exhausted and overwhelmed you feel right now. Being alive is feeling extremely trapping, like being stuck in a cycle that keeps playing over and over. And that sounds painful too to feel that you don't mean anything to other people. There is something that feels really lonely or isolating about that. We're listening.

Thank you for letting us know that despite having these strong suicidal feelings or urges, you do feel able to keep yourself practically safe. Can I ask, how are you staying safe? Have there been any activities that tend to help you feel calmer, or to express your feelings in a safe way?

Reaching out to this counsellor sounds like such a positive and proactive step. We really hope that you hear back from them soon so that you can receive more of that 1:1 support longer-term. You deserve to not have to cope with these feelings alone.