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TW (ED) Lost control again

sxmrxnsxmrxn Posts: 12 Settling in
edited June 15 in Health & Wellbeing
So today was really shit. And it wasn’t even a big deal it’s just lots of tiny things that make me so fucking angry. I don’t have anger issues or anything, but today was just a shit day. I got up id put my makeup on and got ready for school. (I’m in year 10) and I felt confident.

TW: ED
I skipped breakfast because my restricting is getting worse, maybe it’s the not eating that’s getting me more angry?

I had all shit lessons and I’ve lost all my friends so I hide in the toilets at school or in the music room. I feel so lonely it’s so embarrassing. My boy best friend who has his own friend group has started hanging around with the giant nasty girl that’s horrible to everyone. I looked like a literal man myself in PE. I felt so insecure- it’s like all these girls in my year actually look like girls. I’m tall and lanky and built like a boy. Then I got a detention in maths because I was being forced to sit next to a boy that called me a freak. So I got sent out and then moved to the back of the classroom where all the ‘popular’ boys who think they’re better than everyone sat. And of course that one prick had to make fun of my looks.

It’s so frustrating because I get called pretty by some people mainly girls and by some boys- but it’s like so confusing. What am I? I got yelled at because I decided I wanted to make trouble and piss everyone off so I sat in their seats on the bus and they purposefully all squashed up next to me.

TW: ED
I lost it at home. I binged and binged and the worst part is I couldn’t be bothered to purge it. It’s making me so scared. I wanted to but I was just so tired- I felt completely out of control.

I feel immature and sensitive and that things like this shouldn’t affect me like it does.
Post edited by Sian321 on

Comments

  • shannon_164shannon_164 Community Connector Posts: 2,261 Boards Champion
    hey @sxmrxn 🙂

    i’m really sorry yesterday was so difficult for you. you’ve been carrying so much, and honestly, none of what you’re feeling is “too sensitive” or “immature”, it’s human. when everything piles up like that, even the small stuff can feel huge, and it’s ok to admit it hurts. you’re not broken or weak for feeling overwhelmed.

    it sounds like you’ve been trying so hard just to keep it together, showing up, getting ready, going to school, even when inside it feels like a mess. that takes real strength!

    skipping meals, feeling out of control, hiding at school, none of that’s small stuff. i know the world can make you feel like you’re supposed to just suck it up, but you deserve kindness, not shame - from others, yes, but especially from yourself.

    i wonder if you have any support for how you are feeling? you matter so much and are so deserving of support!

    you’re not alone, even if it feels like it right now. i hear you trying to figure out where you belong and who you are. that confusion makes total sense - there is no “right way” to look or be a girl, or a person. you’re not too tall, too boyish, too anything - you are you, and that’s already enough.

    you’re not a burden, you’re not “too much” - you are hurting, and that’s real, and you matter - i’m so proud of you <3
  • 63marie63marie Posts: 33 Boards Initiate
    Hey @sxmrxn, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, thank you for being so open with us. It makes total sense that you'd be overwhelmed - sometimes it's the little things building up that can be really hard to cope with, so you're not being too sensitive at all!
    It's okay to feel angry, and you're right - not eating can affect our emotions, especially when things feel so tough already. You don't have to do this alone - you deserve support, and we're always here to listen to you!
    I can hear how much things at school are getting to you. It's not right that any of that happened to you - you don't deserve to be treated like that at all, and you certainly aren't being too immature or sensitive - the things that you're going through sound really tough and unfair.
    How are you feeling today? We're all proud of you and care about you! <3
  • sxmrxnsxmrxn Posts: 12 Settling in
    edited June 15
    @63marie hi thank you that’s really kind of you. Today I felt much better. Like really happy and light for some reason out the blue. I went on a walk- then nearly collapsed on the way home. (It’s really hot atm) I went to a barbecue my neighbour had invited me and my mum too. And I got triggered. So that ruined everything.

    TW: Body Image
    I honestly am so petty- it was just my neighbors daughter who’s a year older than me was sat in her hot tub in a bikini and I got really jealous of how thin she was. So of course I piled my plate up with food ate and ate and ate and then went back home and brought it up again.

    Ugh. And after tomorrow I have my maths exam. 😭
    But you’re message was really nice and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through it. ❤️
    Post edited by Sian321 on
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,586 Extreme Poster
    Hey there @sxmrxn , thank you for this thread and for sharing what you're going through. You mentioned that yesterday you've felt much happier and lighter, which took you by surprise. How is today feeling?

    You've done so well to share what you have in this thread, and I really hear how you're grappling right now with your body image and confusion around how other people percieve you. You spoke of not knowing whether you're deemed pretty or not by other people and I wondered, what do you feel about yourself? How would you describe your own relationship towards your body or appearance?

    Coping with an ED can be an extremly challenging experience, and you deserve support around this. Can I ask, have you ever felt able to speak with anyone else about what you're going through in terms of your thoughts and feelings about eating? Have you noticed anything which tends to make things feel worse, or better for you?

    We're here to listen.

    I'll pop some resources below too which might feel helpful:
    There's an organisation called Beat which offers support and information for people affected by eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and ARFID. They have a webchat and a helpline open Monday to Friday 3pm-8pm on 0808 801 0677 (England), 0808 801 0432 (Scotland), 0808 801 0433 (Wales) and 0808 801 0434 (NI). They also have different email addresses based on your location which you can find on their website, and online support groups Monday to Friday for different eating disorders. You can use their website to search for local services in your area. For more information go to www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

    The organisation Eating Disorders Support has a helpline for anyone with an eating disorder or anyone concerned about someone with an eating disorder. Their helpline is open at various times throughout the day, weekend, and evenings. Feel free to call at any time and if no nobody answers you can leave a message and they will get back to you. You can call them on 01494 793223. They also run a self-help group virtually every Monday and Thursday 7:30pm-9pm, and an in-person group once a month in Amersham. You can also send them an email at support@eatingdisorderssupport.co.uk or visit their website www.eatingdisorderssupport.co.uk

    Recover Your Life is an organisation that deals with issues of self-harm, abuse, mental health problems, eating disorders, and more. They don't have a helpline, but they have an interactive website open 24/7 that provides advice, community support, peer help, and information. They also run an online self-help group. You can visit their website at www.recoveryourlife.com

    https://www.themix.org.uk/explore-our-topics/mental-health/?topics=body-image-and-self-esteem#listing

    How do those sound?
  • 63marie63marie Posts: 33 Boards Initiate
    Hey @sxmrxn. How are you feeling today? I hope your maths exam went okay?
    That sounds like a tough experience at the barbecue - I'm sorry to hear you went through that, you're definitely not being petty, your feelings are valid and you deserve support <3
    The resources above could be useful for you to look at. We're all here to support you and want you to know that you're worthy of support!
  • sxmrxnsxmrxn Posts: 12 Settling in
    @63marie My maths exam is tomorrow, but thank you for asking. I’m not even worried anymore which is scaring me- because it’s a gcse mock and I should be worried because I’ve only revised like twice- which isn’t exactly convenient. But um yeah. My friends came over today and they seem so ready and they have plans for their future and stuff. But yes…I just have to get through tomorrow ig.
  • 63marie63marie Posts: 33 Boards Initiate
    @sxmrxn sorry I must’ve misread! I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, it can’t be easy trying to focus on things like exams when you have so much going on right now. Try to be kind to yourself - it takes so much strength for you to try and deal with all of this and I’m proud of you for reaching out to us for support. You deserve to be listened to and supported through all of this. We all care about you :)
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