TW (Self harm & Suicidal thoughts) Breach of confidentiality and feeling really anxious & depressed

Hello

I really didn't want to make a discussion because I don't want to bother people but my head is racing and I want to get words out there so I'm so so sorry for bothering everyone, that's all I'm good for now and I'm so sorry.

Last 2 days have been horrible for me and today CAMHS contacted me telling me they broke confidentiality and I will have to see them to have an appointment tomorrow, and my parents HAVE to come, they have no choice. The CAMHS worker on the phone wasn't nice at all, and was angry at me. I was in school about to go home but that phone call messed me up so much I was in school for a really long time. Teachers don't want to speak to me anymore because I'm taking up too much of their time, so there goes the only support I get in person 🫠. CAMHS didn't explain, nor tell me in advance why or that they would. I haven't said anything different to CAMHS they are just suddenly doing it. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow I'm so done with CAMHS and life, they've dismissed me this whole time and NOW they want to break confidentiality and not elaborate any further. Because of how hard I have spiraled the last couple of days I ended up relapsing and self-harmed but with all this going on I need something to regulate my feelings. Shame I lost my 2 year streak and now I feel really guilty😢.

I hope I don't wake up tomorrow I'm dreading this appointment, but there's nothing I can do and will have to go, it doesn't feel real I can't believe this is happening. I am safe but I'm worried they will tell my parents about my SH or suicide attempt and other stuff. My dad told me they called and his reaction wasn't good ☹️. CAMHS are really pushing me right to the edge I can't escape what I'm dreading. On top of struggling to even get out of bed, exams, eating, brushing my teeth, just literally everything and living. I've never felt this bad, I'm so anxious I feel I might have a panic attack if this continues. I really can't put into words how awful I feel, this has triggered me so hard my suicidal thoughts are really prominent but I am safe. I don't know what changed and why CAMHS are breaching confidentiality after 5 months with them. My whole life has changed since this depressive episode and reaching out for help after struggling for 4 years was meant to help change things for the better. But I firmly regret that, I regret every interaction I've had with CAMHS I should've never reached out for help. I should've just waited until I was 18.

My parents are shouting at me right now they are angry I hate this situation im so done with this I feel sick i mreally on edge

I am safe

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Depression

Self-Harm

suicidal feelings

Comments

shannon_164

hey @Jack25 🙂

thank you for being so honest and for opening up, i know that takes a huge amount of courage, especially when you’re feeling so overwhelmed. i’m really sorry you’re going through this, and i want you to know you’re not a burden. you’re not “bothering” anyone, not me, and not the people who truly care about you. it’s ok to need to get the words out, and really important to as well!

reading everything you’re dealing with, it makes complete sense why you’re feeling this way. you’re carrying way too much on your own, and none of this is your fault. camhs should have communicated better, breaking confidentiality without warning, especially in such a cold and unkind way, is deeply unfair. you deserve compassion and clear explanations, not anger and more fear.

i’m also really sorry to hear about the relapse, but please don’t feel guilty about it. you held on for two years, which shows so much strength. Thatthat strength hasn’t gone anywhere, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. you are still here and you are still trying, and that matters, it means something.

you don’t deserve to feel like this. you don’t deserve to be shouted at or to feel like you’re too much, you are not. you are human, hurting, and trying your best in a really painful situation!

tomorrow might feel terrifying, but please remember you are not alone, even when it feels like all support is fading, there are people who care, i’m here, and i will continue to be. uou’ve done nothing wrong by reaching out for help. the system failed you, not the other way around.

if you’re feeling like panic is creeping in, just take this moment minute by minute. you don’t have to fix everything at once. you don’t even need to explain everything to anyone all in one go. this moment won’t last forever.

if things start to feel even more unmanageable, reach out — whether that’s a helpline, a crisis text service, or someone you trust. you deserve support and safety through this.

if you need, here are some helplines:

childline (24/7) - call 08001111

shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

hopeline (24/7) - text 88247

samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website

sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

i’m so proud of you for dealing with everything

Sian321

Hi @Jack25 , firstly, thank you so much for your courage and trust in making this post. I can hear that you were afraid to 'bother' us, and that sounds so hard. This is your Community, and you deserve to be able to speak out here. We're listening. We care. You're doing so well to share about this.

It sounds like yesterday might have felt extreamly overwhelming - it was beyond words, and you felt so afraid and isolated. I heard you say that since reaching out to CAMHS four years ago, it feels as though they have dismissed you, and I really heard a sense of betrayal there almost. That sounds deeply dissapointing, and confusing now too to hear that confidentiality had been broken. How did the appointment go today? We're here with you to talk about this at your own pace.

You also mentioned your parents sounding angry when they recieved the call from CAMHS. Again, that sounds extreamly hard, esspecially when you're struggling and trying to keep safe and regulate your feelings as best as you can. May we ask, what was it like for you to have your parents react in that way?

If you would like a 1:1 space to recieve further support with suicidal feelings or self-harm urges, please know that Childline are here for you 24/7: https://www.childline.org.uk/.

You deserve so much understanding and support around this.

Jack25

Thank you so much @shannon_164 and @Sian321 for your lovely comments I appreciate it a lot, I know I'm bothering people because I have told been told that directly but thank you anyways

May we ask, what was it like for you to have your parents react in that way?

It was very overwhelming especially with the thoughts and anxiety going on, but I couldn't do anything about it, it was just the way it went.

How did the appointment go today?

The morning before was horrible and I ended up being sick because I was so anxious, overwhelmed and felt unsafe but CAMHS told me that my parents didn't actually have to go when I called them in the morning, which is not what I was told before and different to what my parents were told as well so I went alone. The appointment was actually an urgent assessment - which I was not told!!!!! But the relief I felt after realising my parents didn't have to be involved completely numbed me out so she didn't really get a good perspective on things I think because I felt better than normal.

The appointment was actually went ok! CAMHS have lost alot all my forms though (again somehow) and wanted me to sign a bunch again. The only recent CAMHS contact were only casual conversations with people for a few minutes - except from when I got a visit from a social worker after Samaritans expressed safety concerns to them. After speaking a bit more about my CAMHS experience and her looking at my notes she said she can see that "CAMHS have failed you".

She said I might have ASD and was surprised no one at CAMHS told me. I'm not too sure after looking at the signs online, I think I only resonate a little with only a couple of them and not well enough to meet the criteria of ASD, but idk. I am glad however that I was told that is what they think, and it gives me a sense of understanding. I was told I should ask my GP for an assessment.

I still don't understand why CAMHS thinks I am doing fine in my exams, she brought up my universities I applied to and predicted grades and everyone uses that as an excuse to say I'm fine when I'm barely functioning. I told them I was failing because I couldn't even get through half the paper and she just said I'm doing that thing where you think you do bad but you are doing well. Whenever I have spoken to anyone from CAMHS this year they always bring up about doing "well". Doing badly in the exams upsets me enough as it is. 🫠

On the breach of confidentiality side they told them that I was experiencing suicidal thoughts and nothing else, which they already told them and weren't aware they previously broke confidentiality. So when they told me over the phone they had done it it I assumed they went in depth about it and self harm etc. because they said my parents had to go, I always forget my parents know because they don't care, like everyone in my life.

I also found out (same day) that the school counsellor has been relaying everything I've been saying to the school safeguarding person, and I was told by her that everything would be confidential unless she thought I said something which indicated I was at risk and that I would be told first 😢.

Thank you for responding earlier and have a nice day

Invisible_me

Jack25 wrote: »

Thank you so much @shannon_164 and @Sian321 for your lovely comments I appreciate it a lot, I know I'm bothering people because I have told been told that directly but thank you anyways

May we ask, what was it like for you to have your parents react in that way?

It was very overwhelming especially with the thoughts and anxiety going on, but I couldn't do anything about it, it was just the way it went.

How did the appointment go today?

The morning before was horrible and I ended up being sick because I was so anxious, overwhelmed and felt unsafe but CAMHS told me that my parents didn't actually have to go when I called them in the morning, which is not what I was told before and different to what my parents were told as well so I went alone. The appointment was actually an urgent assessment - which I was not told!!!!! But the relief I felt after realising my parents didn't have to be involved completely numbed me out so she didn't really get a good perspective on things I think because I felt better than normal.

The appointment was actually went ok! CAMHS have lost alot all my forms though (again somehow) and wanted me to sign a bunch again. The only recent CAMHS contact were only casual conversations with people for a few minutes - except from when I got a visit from a social worker after Samaritans expressed safety concerns to them. After speaking a bit more about my CAMHS experience and her looking at my notes she said she can see that "CAMHS have failed you".

She said I might have ASD and was surprised no one at CAMHS told me. I'm not too sure after looking at the signs online, I think I only resonate a little with only a couple of them and not well enough to meet the criteria of ASD, but idk. I am glad however that I was told that is what they think, and it gives me a sense of understanding. I was told I should ask my GP for an assessment.

I still don't understand why CAMHS thinks I am doing fine in my exams, she brought up my universities I applied to and predicted grades and everyone uses that as an excuse to say I'm fine when I'm barely functioning. I told them I was failing because I couldn't even get through half the paper and she just said I'm doing that thing where you think you do bad but you are doing well. Whenever I have spoken to anyone from CAMHS this year they always bring up about doing "well". Doing badly in the exams upsets me enough as it is. 🫠

On the breach of confidentiality side they told them that I was experiencing suicidal thoughts and nothing else, which they already told them and weren't aware they previously broke confidentiality. So when they told me over the phone they had done it it I assumed they went in depth about it and self harm etc. because they said my parents had to go, I always forget my parents know because they don't care, like everyone in my life.

I also found out (same day) that the school counsellor has been relaying everything I've been saying to the school safeguarding person, and I was told by her that everything would be confidential unless she thought I said something which indicated I was at risk and that I would be told first 😢.

Thank you for responding earlier and have a nice day

Hi sorry I've only just seen this thread.
It honestly sounds like a stressful abs nightmare if a time you've had with them.
Thats so not helpful you've been given conflicting information on whether parebts need to come, not come, then they've broken confidentiality but not told you what when who etc I'm not surprised this left you feeling so vulnerable and anxious.
I'm however glad to hear after all this the app was okay and you had the chance to be alone. I'm not surprised it numbed you out. You received information that conpleteky caught you off guard you were going through a whole host of emotions- sad, anxious, scared, worried, annoyed, exposed, tired thst when that relief came iy swept put everything you've been feeling and your mind just suddenly goes blank- I knoe what you mean.
so... did you get clarity on what your parents knoe?, what'd further support? No good putting it to suspected autism and brush you away.

Jack25

Hey @Invisible_me thank you for the response and there is no need to apologise at all.

stressful abs nightmare if a time you've had with them

I really coul rant on about other things with CAMHS as well and I probably will end up doing so if I'm not careful.

did you get clarity on what your parents know

They said they told them I was suicidal and nothing else, I thought they would go in depth because of the one hour long appointment and the mixed communication, in fact they were already told this when I was in crisis care but they don't have the records of it, but because I thought they already told them that it reinforced the idea they would go in depth and scared me so much.

further support? No good putting it to suspected autism and brush you away.

No further support 😢. CAMHS said they'd support me after crisis care (which was months ago), but they haven’t. They were supposed to update my safety plan and have regular in person meetings at home or in school but never did. It was scary to go from intense support to nothing, and then to be told my safety is my responsibility after I told them how I felt worse a while ago.

When I asked what happens when I turn 18, they only mentioned an autism referral through my GP. I did contact them before a couple times to say things were getting worse and to discuss my suicidal thoughts before, and about my difficulties functioning but they only phoned back and had a casual conversation with me rather than to discuss my issues. So being left with no support is what always happens. I'm not sure what to do. I will try not to go into detail about my suicidal thoughts etc.

Sorry it took me a while to respond.

Thank you so much again and I hope you are having a nice day