TW (ED) Relapse

sxmrxn

Hey I’m F15 and I’ve spent 2 years relapsing and recovering and pretending and I’m just sick of it. I don’t think people understand how it feels to go through an eating disorder. I can’t talk to anyone irl so I’m just hoping someone will understand me. When I was 12 I got called fat and ugly to my face and I was always seen as the joke. So I starved myself and literally stayed up all night doing workouts and for months . My mum found out when I was 13 because she found hidden food in my drawers then I was put into therapy and got diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia. I got discharged once i gained some weight. But it never went- I would still restrict just not in obvious ways- I’d still workout- I just got better at hiding it ig. But now- now I’m so tired. One of my family members have died and it all started from then, the bingeing and the purging.

I started to stop myself from eating but now I don’t even have that so it’s twice as bad now. I hate it when people say I’m pretty and not fat. I just wonder what the hell im not seeing. I’m just so tired of everything. Of pretending. I’ve had some suicidal thoughts and that’s how I know it’s getting bad. I don’t wanna get out of bed or show my face to anyone. At school my best friend ditched me for a popular group and that made it even worse- like I wasn’t good enough- like I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I’m so lazy I’m not even exercising anymore. I’m just getting fat and out of control.

AnonymousToe

It annoys me so much that professionals only seem to care about mental health when you’re in danger physically like you said you were discharged once you gained weight.

I’m sorry you haven’t received proper support. Are you able to reach out for help again?
I feel like your friend probably didn’t leave you over your appearance, i know that kind of thing doesn’t really matter to me in a friendship. But if they did, that says more about them than it does you.

Also just wanted to say that laziness and lack of exercise aren’t the same thing.

I dont know much at all about eating disorders so I’m sorry if I’ve said the wrong things. Take care

63marie

sxmrxn wrote: »

Hey I’m F15 and I’ve spent 2 years relapsing and recovering and pretending and I’m just sick of it. I don’t think people understand how it feels to go through an eating disorder. I can’t talk to anyone irl so I’m just hoping someone will understand me. When I was 12 I got called fat and ugly to my face and I was always seen as the joke. So I starved myself and literally stayed up all night doing workouts and for months . My mum found out when I was 13 because she found hidden food in my drawers then I was put into therapy and got diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia. I got discharged once i gained some weight. But it never went- I would still restrict just not in obvious ways- I’d still workout- I just got better at hiding it ig. But now- now I’m so tired. One of my family members have died and it all started from then, the bingeing and the purging.

I started to stop myself from eating but now I don’t even have that so it’s twice as bad now. I hate it when people say I’m pretty and not fat. I just wonder what the hell im not seeing. I’m just so tired of everything. Of pretending. I’ve had some suicidal thoughts and that’s how I know it’s getting bad. I don’t wanna get out of bed or show my face to anyone. At school my best friend ditched me for a popular group and that made it even worse- like I wasn’t good enough- like I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. I’m so lazy I’m not even exercising anymore. I’m just getting fat and out of control.

This sounds really tough, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I agree, the medical professionals tend to put so much emphasis on physical rather than mental health, which is so frustrating and wrong, so I hear you! Do you think you'd be able to try and reach out for support again? You deserve to get help and have the right support
I know your thoughts must feel really loud, and it can feel so tiring when you feel like you have to pretend you're okay all the time, but you're not lazy at all, and you deserve support and friends who treat you well.
I've suffered with some similar things to you, so just wanted you to know you're not alone and things can get better

sxmrxn

@63marie Hey, thank you so much. I’m too scared because I don’t want to tell my mum I’ve relapsed because when I was in therapy in the first place my therapist brought up relapse and said it was normal. But when we were driving home my mum said she knows I wouldn’t be stupid enough to relapse because I know how much it would hurt myself and her. So I know I just can’t especially since she’s stressed out too with stuff. I just can’t do that. I just wish I was a normal daughter that worked hard and got good grades. Not one that makes herself sick after every meal. I just feel so guilty. But thank you again. ❤️

63marie

@sxmrxn Hey, I totally understand how anxious you must be feeling about everything going on right now. Relapses are hard, but it's not your fault at all and doesn't mean you've failed - eating disorders are cruel illnesses and behaviours can find their way back in so easily. But, that doesn't mean it's your fault or that you're not worthy of support!
I can see how what your mum said could make you feel that way, and it must feel really scary and isolating, but it's totally not your fault that things are hard for you
Ed recovery is so hard, but you're not alone in this. We're here for you