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(TW Suicidal Thoughts) Crying

Jack25Jack25 Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
edited May 23 in Health & Wellbeing
I spent the entirety of Tuesday from around 8am through to the evening and until I slept in tears. I was crying the entire time I was in school, it was humiliating I just wanted to end my life there and then, and my teachers are trying so hard to help me it's embarrassing and I'm wasting their time. Wednesday and Thursday wasn't much better and today I felt numb and now I feel sad and on the borderline of tears trying not to break down in school. My exams started this week and with depression I'm spiraling down further. I was already struggling to eat and just sit up and get out of bed, now I feel things are impossibly hard. I just want to give up, no one's going to help me, CAMHS are ignoring me and dismissing what I say. I don't want to eat anymore it's too difficult I feel better when I don't eat, I feel more in control. I'm tired of having to break things consciously down into small steps like picking up my toothbrush then putting toothpaste on etc. just to get through the day. I experience 0 pleasure in anything and everything, I might as well watch paint dry everyday. I feel so lonely, only my teachers are supporting me. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Comments

  • independent_independent_ Community Connector Posts: 9,781 Supreme Poster
    As someone who’s been there, I really feel for you @Jack25. It’s a tough place to be in, and I’m glad you’re feeling able to reach out. There’s a support chat running from 1.30 if you feel up to coming along we can maybe support you there too.

    If getting through the day involves little tiny steps for now, then that’s ok. I had years of that - tiny, tiny steps were what got me through and what got the basic things done. There were a few little goals I set myself - get out of bed, brush my teeth, have a coffee, and eat something even if something small. I had to do those every day, and even if I got nothing else done, I felt like I’d accomplished something.

    I’m sorry to hear CAMHS aren’t being helpful - unfortunately that is no unique experience, in fact it’s unfortunately very common. I’m glad your teachers are there for you, please keep talking to them. We are right here with you too, many of us understand what you’re going through. I’ve had depression for 10 years so I certainly do. <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,780 Extreme Poster
    Hi @Jack25 , thank you so much for your post. From what you've shared it sounds like you're going through an extreamly hard time right now. We're going to drop you a DM to check in further.

    You've done so well to reach out for support with this. We hear you and we're listening.
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,700 Boards Guru
    Hi @Jack25 im so sorry you’re feeling so rubbish and that CAMHS arent helping you. I can definitely relate to relying on teachers for support because the professionals don’t seem to care. You’re not wasting your teachers’ time. It’s not your fault you’re struggling.

    We’re here for you, sending big hugs <3
  • RedemptionRedemption Community Connector Posts: 4,591 The Mix Elder
    I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. You're definitely not a burden on your teachers or anyone because you matter. What you're going through is not your fault. Please don’t give up. Tell someone you trust how bad it is, even if it’s hard. You deserve help and support. You're not alone.
  • LilyLily Community Manager, Community Connector Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Jack25

    We just wanted to check in with you. How you are feeling this week?

    We hear that last week things were feeling really heavy for you. Please do reach out to us when you need to, you are so deserving of support and we are here to listen to you.

    Take care.
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 2,026 Boards Champion
    hi @Jack25 - just wanted to say i hope you're feeling okay today and sorry to hear you aren't getting the support you need from CAMHS etc. sometimes all we can do is take things one small step at a time like you mentioned, and that is perfectly okay to be doing. as the saying goes - "small progress is still progress". so try and be kind to yourself and just take things little by little.

    we are all here to support you and listen to anything you need to get of your chest and out into the open (aka the boards/chats)

    sending a big hug
    Sinead :3
  • shannon_164shannon_164 Community Connector Posts: 2,470 Boards Champion
    hey @Jack25 🙂

    i’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. i can’t imagine how heavy this all feels, but thank you for trusting me enough to share it. that takes strength, even when you feel like you have none left.

    first of all, you’re not wasting your teachers’ time. they care because you matter. you’re not a burden to them, or to us. you’re a human being who’s clearly hurting and trying their best just to get through the day, and that’s not something to be ashamed of - that is survival and that is courage!

    the fact that you’re managing school, exams, and depression all at once is not something small, it’s enormous.

    i’m so sorry camhs is letting you down. that is not ok, and you deserve real, compassionate support, not to be dismissed. please don’t stop trying to get that help, even if it’s not from them. there are people who will take you seriously. i believe that with all my heart, even if they feel hard to find right now.

    it sounds like eating and daily tasks have become exhausting, and i get why not eating can feel like some kind of control, but please remember: that’s not your fault, and it’s not the solution your body or mind really need. you deserve food, care, and rest without having to earn them or break yourself apart to achieve them. though i do understand from experience how it all feels - i hear you.

    i know things feel impossible right now, but you’re not alone in this, and it can get better, even if that feels hard to believe. please don’t give up as you’re important, even if you don’t feel it right now, and remember, we are always here!

    if things get too much, please reach out for support - you are so deserving! in case you need, here are some helplines, but remember always call 111 / 999 or go to a&e if you’re feeling unsafe.
    childline (24/7) - call 08001111

    shout (24/7) - text ‘shout’ to 85258

    hopeline (24/7) - text 88247

    samaritans (24/7) - call 116123

    lifeline (24/7) - call 08088088000

    papyrus (24/7) - call 08000684141

    inspire wellbeing (24/7) - call 08081890036

    community advice and listening line (24/7) - call 0800132737

    knus (24/7) - whatsapp 07700165687

    mind (9am-6pm) - call 03001233393

    rethink mental illness (9:30am-4pm) - call 03005000927

    kooth (12pm-10pm) - webchat on website

    saneline (4pm-10pm) - call 03003047000

    calm (5pm-12am) - call 0800585858

    suicide prevention uk (6pm-12am) - call 08005870800

    kelly’s heroes (6pm-11pm) - webchat on website

    sos (8pm-12am) - call 08001151505

    i’m so proud of you <3
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