(TW suicidal thoughts) how tf do people expect me to not want to kill myself when I’m undesirable

bignosegirly0

I’m on my break eating my feelings away, but I still want to kill my self. The only thing that’s stopping me is the fact that I randomly got some shit on my computer that I need to delete since I don’t want my family to see it.

I’m really fucking trying to stay hopeful. I’m trying to convince myself that things will get better mentally. But there is no fucking hope.

Everyday is a fucking reminder that most male coworkers my age are disgusted by my looks and talk shit about how I’m so undesirable and how no man will ever date me. And they’re right. And I can’t escape that unless I kill myself.

I really am fucking trying my best not to kill myself. But come on, there’s no good reason for me to keep living. When I get back home, I’m just gonna cry in my room for a few hours to at least get out my pent emotions.

Then I’m probably gonna go back to my normal midly depressed but functional self again.

bignosegirly0

I know they all talk about how ugly I am. I know that talk about how no man will ever love me. They all treat the other female coworkers who don’t look attractive the same way. Why would they treat me any differently? Especially when I’m the ugliest in the workplace.

They’re not gonna be sad if they killed myself. They’re gonna think oh “thank god that ugly **** is dead.” “She’s better off dead anyway lol”.

I don’t think anyone can convince me that life gets better. Unless I’m lucky enough to get out this workplace and move onto a more mature workplace. I’ll still be undesirable and depressed about it everyday. But atleast I’ll be midly depressed as normal, and not bawling my eyes out because I won’t have coworkers who talk about how hideous I am.

Lily

Hey @bignosegirly0 ,

Thank you for reaching out to us, you've done so well to share what is going on for you at the moment. It sounds like things are feeling really tough at the moment, and we are here to support you. We are going to reach out to you in DMs to carry on this conversation and further support you there.

DonnerKebab

@bignosegirly0 My heart is breaking for you right now. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY deserves to be treated like you have or to feel the way you do. I don't know what you look like, and i wouldn't say something that i didn't know to be 100% true, so i can't comment on you're looks, but let me tell you what I can say. Nobody is as bad as you describe. The men you work with, are assholes. Genuine sexist assholes, treating people based on looks, not character. That they treat all their other female colleagues the same, should surely tell you that these are not nice people, and there opinions shouldn't be entertained for a moment. Looks fade, no matter what. No matter how beautiful or ugly, looks fade with time for everybody. A supermodel? They'll look like davros by age 80. Pretty sure we all will. But the only thing that's forever is your personality and soul, and let me tell you something, you're soul and you're personality is a beautiful thing.

And about the men not wanting to date you, I can only say this from a male perspective, but i have never approached a woman, nor have about 50% of young men today, because we don't want to make them uncomfortable or be seen as creeps. Most men, are genuinely afraid to make the first move. Have you ever considered that there are a lot of men out there who would want to date you, but are afraid to approach you? Again, not trying to sound creepy or anything, and I'm sorry if I'm coming across that way, but I think outside of the top 10% of men, men are happy with somebody who loves them, with a kind caring personality, and most men are afraid to make the first move.

I promise you, you aren't as undesirable as you think you are, and the colleagues you work with, that they treat all their female co-workers like that, is disgusting, and you shouldn't have to deal with that. You deserve much better. Again, sorry if any of this sounds weird or creepy.

bignosegirly0

@DonnerKebab hiya, thank you for your response.
Don’t worry, you’re not coming across as creepy. I haven’t considered the fact that there may be men who like me, but are just afraid to approach me. This is because starting from my childhood to current adulthood, I have endless of experiences of boys and men targeting me for my looks. I can’t recounter an experience when a man has complimented my appearance and not as a joke to humiliate me in front of his friends.

Thank you for the support. It does mean a lot to be heard.