If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
hi toffuna (TW)
toffuna101
Posts: 2,321 Boards Champion
this is based off hi ren by ren
this takes place when im in the psychiatric hospital
Gertrude: Hi there ED, it's been a little while. Did you miss me? You thought you buried me, didn't you? Risky. Cause I always come back. Deep down you know that, deep down you know that I'm moving speedily quickly.
Gertrude: ED, aren't you pleased to see me? It's been ages since we spoke ED I know you need me. You're the sheep, you're the shepherd not your place to lead me. Not your place to be punching off the hand that feeds me
Toffuna: Hi Gertrude, I've been taking some time to heal, I've been taking some time to be still.
Toffuna: I've been taking some time to be by myself cause the doctor said that I'm ill.
Toffuna: And I've been making some progress lately, and I've learnt some new coping skills.
Toffuna: So I don't really need at all girl, I think you need to step back and chill
Gertrude: ED you sound more insane than I do. You think those doctors are really there to guide you? Been through this a million times. Your patient mind is so perfect to at always being lied to.
Gertrude: Okay, take another pill ED. Drown yourself in the sound of pink noise. Remember that those doctors aren't here for you. All your problems will be gone, fucking dead boy.
Toffuna: Nah mate, this time is different girl trust me. I think things might be falling in place. And my art therapy is doing bits too, like I actually might do something great. And when I'm actually dead maybe I'll be remembered for doing something special with myself.
Toffuna: That's why we shouldn't talk Gertrude. Cause when you're with me it never seems to help.
Gertrude: ED you think you can get rid of me? You are me, You are I, I am we. We are one, split in two that makes one so you see. You gotta kill you if you wanna kill me.
Gertrude: I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side. Oh you're art therapy is thriving? Delusional guy! Where's your progress man? Where's your drawing on the walls? Where are your awards ED? Nowhere!
Toffuna: Yeah, but, my art therapy is not like that. I never chased attention, recognition or claps. I never draw to show others unless it's in groups. They never even reward me so why would I be worried about that?
Toffuna: But my art therapy is really connecting, and the people who find it respect it. And for me that's enough because this life's been tough so it gives me a purpose I can rest in.
Gertrude: ED, you sound so pretentious! ED your art therapy is so self-centred! No one wants to see another drawing about your stupid alter ego. Trust me. You were so lucky. Being born with two parents, being born premature and being only left with cerebral palsy. You ruined it all for yourself ED. You knew.
Toffuna: Gertrude it's not like that-
Gertrude: ED it's just that like I'm inside you, you (slur).
Toffuna: No it's not girl, you're wrong, when I write I belong.
Gertrude: Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this chat. ED sits down, has a bout of genius. It wants to write our chat that was not done previous. A battle with his subconscious. Eminem did it.
Toffuna: Wrote on paper.
Gertrude: Plan B did it
note: i wasnt sure what to write in this segment of the chat with gertrude so i just put eminem and stuff like that
Gertrude: ED you're not special, you're dead, no one loves you, you rip-off artist. The pinnacle of your success is ripping off Ren's material.
Gertrude: ED mate we've heard it all before. Ohh "she sells sea shells on the sea shore".
Toffuna: Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this. Cause I'm fine by myself I'm a genius! And I will be great and I will break through you and people love me for who I am. Whether that be respect, dignity or honour. And honour is what I get myself through. Through your lies, manipulation and deceit.
Gertrude: That's right, speak your truth, your fucking god complex leaks out of you. It's refreshing to actually hear you say it! Instead of downplaying it.
Gertrude: "Oh, art therapy is all about expressing yourself and if people can find something to relate to within that then that's just a bonus."
Toffuna: Fuck you, I'ma fucking kill you Gertrude, I'll burn you Gertrude!
Gertrude: Well fucking kill me then, do it ED.
Toffuna: I'ma do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my art? Cause I call the times I choose if you die. Yeah, I call the times and so I choose who survives. I'll tie you up in ropes then I'll lock you inside.
Gertrude: News flash! I was created when you were in the general hospital. I am temptation. I am the viper in the music you listen to. I am the reason for destruction. Beheading all sinners, I am sin with no rhyme of reason.
Gertrude: Daughter of the morning, mother of lies, I will stay here until you capsize. Your facial expressions, your body language, oh, I can see it all.
Gertrude: Until you break down in tears and I win again. We win again. The people who chase after you, the people who are out to get you. Yes, everyone hates you ED. You wanna kill me? I'm eternal, immortal. I am you, you are me, I am you ED.
(My POV)
Suddenly, as if in a flash, I jolt up in bed, sweat pouring from my face as I sit up. I remember who I am. Who I was. A monster in the making. I look around my room in the psychiatric hospital and notice a mental health nurse sitting just outside my room, "You alright?" She asks, concerned.
I try to brush it off, smiling as I realise who this was. My favourite nurse. She got back to doing the night shifts in the adolescent unit after being in the day shifts for some time, "Yeah I'm fine, just had a nightmare," I say, still in shock from the nightmare I just had.
"I noticed. You know if you need anything you can always come to us," She says.
"...Thank you," I finally say, laying back down and turning to my side to go back to sleep. My favourite nurse smiles, gets up and walks off since I wasn't on 1-to-1 observation anymore.
(Timeskip to the present day - 12/05/2025)
Toffuna: ...Hi Gertrude. I've been taking some time to heal, I've been taking some time to be still. I've been taking some time to be myself cause I spent many months of my life ill.
Toffuna: But just as sure as the tide starts turning. Just as sure as the night has dawn. Just as sure the rain fall soon runs dry when you stand in the eye of the storm. I was made to be tested and twisted, I was made to be broken and beat. I was made by his hand, it's all part of his plan that I stand on my own two feet.
Toffuna: And you know me my will is eternal. And you know me you've met me before. Face to face with a beast I will rise from the east. And I'll settle on the ocean floor. And I go by many names also. Some people know me as Toffuna. Some people know me as the voice that you hear when you stare down at the ground whilst you're on the roof.
Toffuna: And you know how I know that I'll prosper? Cause I'm still here today. I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain and I didn't once flinch or shake. So cower at the woman I've become, whilst I shout at the top of my lungs. You misgender me and call me by the wrong pronouns but I frankly don't care anymore. That I won't retire I'll stand in your fire inspire the 'weak' and be strong.
Toffuna: And when I'm gone I'll rise from the art that I left behind. Ferocious persistent, immortal like you we're a coin with two different sides.
---
when i was 15 years old, i locked myself in the bathroom of the psychiatric hospital aka the adolescent unit and punched the wall as hard i could into the door to avoid people from watching me in 1-to-1 observation since i refused to be watched by someone at all times. but now i know that it was in place to keep me safe. i heard people talking shit about me, comparing me to food and that i was actually in the food and just being downright horrible and nasty to me being my back without saying it to my face. it was my psychosis that did this to me, especially a voice named gertrude. gertrude was telling me all of these things like i cant come back, im dead and that no one loves me. but i know thats not true. people love me for who i am and get past my diagnosis of psychosis and later on depression. after all, i and everyone else are human beings.
---
i just realised now that im reading through this that most of this seems copied from the actual hi ren song and i dont know if im allowed to post this because of copyright. but i changed some of the lyrics to match my experience of psychosis.
this takes place when im in the psychiatric hospital
Gertrude: Hi there ED, it's been a little while. Did you miss me? You thought you buried me, didn't you? Risky. Cause I always come back. Deep down you know that, deep down you know that I'm moving speedily quickly.
Gertrude: ED, aren't you pleased to see me? It's been ages since we spoke ED I know you need me. You're the sheep, you're the shepherd not your place to lead me. Not your place to be punching off the hand that feeds me
Toffuna: Hi Gertrude, I've been taking some time to heal, I've been taking some time to be still.
Toffuna: I've been taking some time to be by myself cause the doctor said that I'm ill.
Toffuna: And I've been making some progress lately, and I've learnt some new coping skills.
Toffuna: So I don't really need at all girl, I think you need to step back and chill
Gertrude: ED you sound more insane than I do. You think those doctors are really there to guide you? Been through this a million times. Your patient mind is so perfect to at always being lied to.
Gertrude: Okay, take another pill ED. Drown yourself in the sound of pink noise. Remember that those doctors aren't here for you. All your problems will be gone, fucking dead boy.
Toffuna: Nah mate, this time is different girl trust me. I think things might be falling in place. And my art therapy is doing bits too, like I actually might do something great. And when I'm actually dead maybe I'll be remembered for doing something special with myself.
Toffuna: That's why we shouldn't talk Gertrude. Cause when you're with me it never seems to help.
Gertrude: ED you think you can get rid of me? You are me, You are I, I am we. We are one, split in two that makes one so you see. You gotta kill you if you wanna kill me.
Gertrude: I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side. Oh you're art therapy is thriving? Delusional guy! Where's your progress man? Where's your drawing on the walls? Where are your awards ED? Nowhere!
Toffuna: Yeah, but, my art therapy is not like that. I never chased attention, recognition or claps. I never draw to show others unless it's in groups. They never even reward me so why would I be worried about that?
Toffuna: But my art therapy is really connecting, and the people who find it respect it. And for me that's enough because this life's been tough so it gives me a purpose I can rest in.
Gertrude: ED, you sound so pretentious! ED your art therapy is so self-centred! No one wants to see another drawing about your stupid alter ego. Trust me. You were so lucky. Being born with two parents, being born premature and being only left with cerebral palsy. You ruined it all for yourself ED. You knew.
Toffuna: Gertrude it's not like that-
Gertrude: ED it's just that like I'm inside you, you (slur).
Toffuna: No it's not girl, you're wrong, when I write I belong.
Gertrude: Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this chat. ED sits down, has a bout of genius. It wants to write our chat that was not done previous. A battle with his subconscious. Eminem did it.
Toffuna: Wrote on paper.
Gertrude: Plan B did it
note: i wasnt sure what to write in this segment of the chat with gertrude so i just put eminem and stuff like that
Gertrude: ED you're not special, you're dead, no one loves you, you rip-off artist. The pinnacle of your success is ripping off Ren's material.
Gertrude: ED mate we've heard it all before. Ohh "she sells sea shells on the sea shore".
Toffuna: Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this. Cause I'm fine by myself I'm a genius! And I will be great and I will break through you and people love me for who I am. Whether that be respect, dignity or honour. And honour is what I get myself through. Through your lies, manipulation and deceit.
Gertrude: That's right, speak your truth, your fucking god complex leaks out of you. It's refreshing to actually hear you say it! Instead of downplaying it.
Gertrude: "Oh, art therapy is all about expressing yourself and if people can find something to relate to within that then that's just a bonus."
Toffuna: Fuck you, I'ma fucking kill you Gertrude, I'll burn you Gertrude!
Gertrude: Well fucking kill me then, do it ED.
Toffuna: I'ma do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my art? Cause I call the times I choose if you die. Yeah, I call the times and so I choose who survives. I'll tie you up in ropes then I'll lock you inside.
Gertrude: News flash! I was created when you were in the general hospital. I am temptation. I am the viper in the music you listen to. I am the reason for destruction. Beheading all sinners, I am sin with no rhyme of reason.
Gertrude: Daughter of the morning, mother of lies, I will stay here until you capsize. Your facial expressions, your body language, oh, I can see it all.
Gertrude: Until you break down in tears and I win again. We win again. The people who chase after you, the people who are out to get you. Yes, everyone hates you ED. You wanna kill me? I'm eternal, immortal. I am you, you are me, I am you ED.
(My POV)
Suddenly, as if in a flash, I jolt up in bed, sweat pouring from my face as I sit up. I remember who I am. Who I was. A monster in the making. I look around my room in the psychiatric hospital and notice a mental health nurse sitting just outside my room, "You alright?" She asks, concerned.
I try to brush it off, smiling as I realise who this was. My favourite nurse. She got back to doing the night shifts in the adolescent unit after being in the day shifts for some time, "Yeah I'm fine, just had a nightmare," I say, still in shock from the nightmare I just had.
"I noticed. You know if you need anything you can always come to us," She says.
"...Thank you," I finally say, laying back down and turning to my side to go back to sleep. My favourite nurse smiles, gets up and walks off since I wasn't on 1-to-1 observation anymore.
(Timeskip to the present day - 12/05/2025)
Toffuna: ...Hi Gertrude. I've been taking some time to heal, I've been taking some time to be still. I've been taking some time to be myself cause I spent many months of my life ill.
Toffuna: But just as sure as the tide starts turning. Just as sure as the night has dawn. Just as sure the rain fall soon runs dry when you stand in the eye of the storm. I was made to be tested and twisted, I was made to be broken and beat. I was made by his hand, it's all part of his plan that I stand on my own two feet.
Toffuna: And you know me my will is eternal. And you know me you've met me before. Face to face with a beast I will rise from the east. And I'll settle on the ocean floor. And I go by many names also. Some people know me as Toffuna. Some people know me as the voice that you hear when you stare down at the ground whilst you're on the roof.
Toffuna: And you know how I know that I'll prosper? Cause I'm still here today. I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain and I didn't once flinch or shake. So cower at the woman I've become, whilst I shout at the top of my lungs. You misgender me and call me by the wrong pronouns but I frankly don't care anymore. That I won't retire I'll stand in your fire inspire the 'weak' and be strong.
Toffuna: And when I'm gone I'll rise from the art that I left behind. Ferocious persistent, immortal like you we're a coin with two different sides.
---
when i was 15 years old, i locked myself in the bathroom of the psychiatric hospital aka the adolescent unit and punched the wall as hard i could into the door to avoid people from watching me in 1-to-1 observation since i refused to be watched by someone at all times. but now i know that it was in place to keep me safe. i heard people talking shit about me, comparing me to food and that i was actually in the food and just being downright horrible and nasty to me being my back without saying it to my face. it was my psychosis that did this to me, especially a voice named gertrude. gertrude was telling me all of these things like i cant come back, im dead and that no one loves me. but i know thats not true. people love me for who i am and get past my diagnosis of psychosis and later on depression. after all, i and everyone else are human beings.
---
i just realised now that im reading through this that most of this seems copied from the actual hi ren song and i dont know if im allowed to post this because of copyright. but i changed some of the lyrics to match my experience of psychosis.
2
Comments
---
Toffuna: Hold on, is this a dream Gertrude?
Gertrude: More like a nightmare.
Toffuna proceeds to fly away from Gertrude.
Gertrude: Hey, where are you going!? You know what, you're going to wake up now.
Toffuna: Fuck-
(My POV)
I jolt out of bed, sweating profusely.
"You can't come back," Gertrude says, "You knew." Of course no one else heard what was going on so the mental health nurse asks:
"Are you alright?"
I blink for a moment before smiling before realising who this was. My favourite nurse, "Yeah, I'm fine."
fact about my psychosis: you know for a period of time i always thought that gertrude was controlling my dreams. weird, isnt it?