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thought disorganisation and instability
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 32 Boards Initiate
My thoughts are irrelevant and disorganised, and can generally be discarded in good conscience.
I'm seeing things. i don't know what they are or what they want. They're increasingly resembling humans, and they're learning. One spoke to me in my head and was asking for help. i ignored it, but part of me feels guilty. I keep hearing screaming in my head. The sounds and voices have been internal, inside of me and in my head. But they;re not me. Not my voice, not my thoughts,, not me. The screaming in my head hurts my ears and covering them doesn’t help. Morals will be assumed normal and judgement will not be passed.
I saw the devil in my room today. It was staring at me from the end of my bed. Sinner. It waits for me to make mistakes, so I can be punished fairly. Punishment without reason is just torture, so, to some extent, I deserve this. I'm a religious person. This, unfortunately, is a punishment from God. The worse I behave, the worse I’m tormented. I have to stop my dirty and sinful ways before i’m disposed of. Disposal will be done by the government once they realise I’m gaining consciousness. This is my curse from God for being so filthy. I’m a religious person.
I saw the floor move. It was like a glitch in my little world. I choose to ignore them rather than face them. Well, I’ve tried facing them before, and they lingered. They don’t listen and they don’t speak. They just watch and judge. They wait for me to make a mistake. I’m never truly alone, and that fact both comforts and haunts me.
I don;t go outside unless i have to. I don’t want to get up. I want to lie here and sleep. And eventually, i want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up. I want to give up and cut again. I want to have some semblance of control
I'm seeing things. i don't know what they are or what they want. They're increasingly resembling humans, and they're learning. One spoke to me in my head and was asking for help. i ignored it, but part of me feels guilty. I keep hearing screaming in my head. The sounds and voices have been internal, inside of me and in my head. But they;re not me. Not my voice, not my thoughts,, not me. The screaming in my head hurts my ears and covering them doesn’t help. Morals will be assumed normal and judgement will not be passed.
I saw the devil in my room today. It was staring at me from the end of my bed. Sinner. It waits for me to make mistakes, so I can be punished fairly. Punishment without reason is just torture, so, to some extent, I deserve this. I'm a religious person. This, unfortunately, is a punishment from God. The worse I behave, the worse I’m tormented. I have to stop my dirty and sinful ways before i’m disposed of. Disposal will be done by the government once they realise I’m gaining consciousness. This is my curse from God for being so filthy. I’m a religious person.
I saw the floor move. It was like a glitch in my little world. I choose to ignore them rather than face them. Well, I’ve tried facing them before, and they lingered. They don’t listen and they don’t speak. They just watch and judge. They wait for me to make a mistake. I’m never truly alone, and that fact both comforts and haunts me.
I don;t go outside unless i have to. I don’t want to get up. I want to lie here and sleep. And eventually, i want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up. I want to give up and cut again. I want to have some semblance of control
Please don't hug me
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Comments
What you describe sounds extremely difficult to cope with and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so much. I just wanted to acknowledge that your thoughts are extremely valid and we will always be here to listen to you.
Seeing things and hearing things can occur for a wide range of reasons and due to the nature of them it’s important to speak to a professional such as your GP as they can guide you to what can be done and they can do an assessment on you
How do you feel about reaching out to your doctor?
I have a therapist. I think she thinks it's part of my PTSD. I asked her about it, if hallucinations can be a part of PTSD and she said yes. I guess i'm a mentally scarred and traumatized individual, unfortunately. Or maybe I'm just weak. Either way, it seems to be getting worse, and i think it’s only a matter of time before I’m discarded. My hallucinations don’t relate to my trauma, though. I’m not sure if that’s relevant or not.
I keep seeing bugs and feeling them on me. I see bugs crawling in my bed. I looked at myself in the mirror one day and bugs were all over my face. I couldn;t do anything but stare like I always do. But I hate mirrors and the mirrors lie, so I cannot trust them in good conscience.
I think no matter how I act, regardless of which direction i go, it'll all lead to the same outcome. I'm tired of waiting and I just want to wake up. It's become increasingly difficult to feel anything whether it be emotions or pain. I seek out the pain because it numbs me. I'm disgusted with myself that the only way I can cope is porn and masturbation. My body hurts.
Unfortunately, it's all inevitable and I'm too pathetic to prevent it. I'm going to relapse at some point. I'm going to give in and numb myself. And then when it's all over, I'll regret it, but the voice in my head will continue to encourage it and i'll do it again. I'm going to cut and I need to accept that, since it's the only way to purify myself of these dirty thoughts and these bugs all over me