(TW suicidal thoughts and self harm) I’m addicted to making myself feel worse

bignosegirly0

Before anyone says I should try therapy, I’m already on a waiting list.

But I’m addicted to emotionally hurting myself. Even when my mental health has improved, I end up purposefully triggering myself so then I can feel worse again.

I don’t know why it’s so addicting, but it feels like a warm blanket just to be miserable all the time. I want to get worse. I want to make stupid decisions. I want to get back into physically harming myself and leaving injuries all over my body. I want to be driven to that stage where I prepare and take my own life.

It just feels so normal.

Sian321

Hi @bignosegirly0 , thank you for your message.

It sounds as though you might be going through an extreamly hard time right now, with a part of you wanting to begin physically and emotionally hurting yourself again so as to drive yourself to a point where you may choose to end your life. i hear how this space of self-harm, perhaps feels familiar and normal and that is so valid. You're doing really well to talk about how you're feeling. At the same time, we take your thoughts of suicide and self-harm seriously and care about your safety.

Can I check @bignosegirly0 , how physically safe do you feel today? What is currently helping you keep safe?

Is anyone else aware that you are planning to begin hurting yourself again and coping with these really difficult thoughts? I wonder if there might be someone else you trust who you'd feel safe opening up to about this today?

I wonder too if you'd feel open to telling us the last time you self-harmed? Are you needing any medical attention right now?

Again, we really appreciate you speaking about this. We hear you and we're listening.

I'll share below some spaces you can reach out to for 1:1 support too:

* Crisis Messenger (24/7) | Text THEMIX to 85258
* Samaritans (24/7) | Call 116 123 | Email jo@samaritans.org
* Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | Call 0800 068 41 41 | Text 07786 209 697 | Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
* There is a free mobile app called Calm Harm. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Andorid). The app is designed to prevent people from urges to self-harm using these activities: Comfort, Distract, Express Yourself, Release, Random and Breathe. You can find out more about it on https://calmharm.co.uk/

How do those sound?

Sending lots of care @bignosegirly0

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 hiya, I am capable of keeping myself safe today.

After making this post, I’ve tried venting my feelings through making music, and it’s definitely helped a lot.

I don’t have any plans to hurt myself, but I do sometimes have an urge to relapse, which I am thankfully capable of stopping myself from doing.

I have no one to reach out to, hence I visit this website for support. I’ve been clean for three to four months now. Thankfully, I don’t need any medical attention at the moment.

Sian321

I @bignosegirly0 , I hear you, and thank you for letting us know that right now you're physically safe. I wonder whether anything might have happened these last few days to leave you wanting to harm yourself again?

Venting through making music sounds like a really powerful way to express and outlet your emotions. You deserve so much to be able to raise your voice about the things you're going through, and I can imagine there's something cathartic about transforming and channeling some of the pain you're going through into sound and art.

You're doing really well to make use of this space here too when you don't have other support sources around you right now. How might you feel about contacting a 1:1 helpline space to process things further? Might that feel useful, or maybe not?

We're listening without judgement.

bignosegirly0

@Sian321 weirdly enough, nothing bad has happened. But a lot of the times, I randomly remember how I’ve been treated in the past and realise the sad reality that my worth is based on how attractive I am. Sometimes, I wake up depressed due to that fact. It just comes out of nowhere and I feel the urge to make myself feel worse.

I don’t think I’m experiencing a serious crisis at the moment. Thankfully I’ve found my helpful coping mechanisms and I’m happy to wait on the list until I receive further treatment.

Rose113

Hey @bignosegirly0

I know you’ve had a few replies from Sian but I wanted to check in and see how you are doing today

bignosegirly0

@Rose113 Hiya, although I'm alight now, I've been feeling a bit on and off. I woke up feeling depressed and worse later on this morning. But I've managed to express my emotions through music, which has definitely made me feel better.

Rose113

@bignosegirly0 would you like to share more, everything you say is completely valid and we are here to listen and support you

bignosegirly0

@Rose113 There's not much for me to share. I just have an issue where I obsess over negative past experiences of being mistreated for my appearance, which proves that I'll never find love. This is a fact that I dwell on everyday. Sometimes, it's triggered by something. Other times, it pops out of nowhere. Sometimes, I may even wake up depressed due to this fact.

A lot of the times, it makes me want to end my life. But I've thankfully found better coping mechanisms to express my emotions in a healthy manner.