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unhealthy coping

PunchThe_InternetPunchThe_Internet Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
Possible TW: hypersexuality

For a few years now, I've used self-pleasure and nsfw content to soothe myself. I know it isn't healthy, but it feels like an addiction. It's been on and off for months, and I've fallen into the cycle again.
It really isn't about pleasure, it's about self-loathing and how that's the only way I can feel good for a while. With my hallucinations, paranoia, and depression growing more intense, I feel overwhelmed and weighed down. My body ends up hurting because I feel insatiable and it makes me sick. I'm disgusted. I'm not proud of myself and if anything, I hate myself for being this way.

I think the hypersexuality stems from my trauma. I was exposed to inappropriate content at a young age and was forced to engage in it. I go through months where I'm completely repulsed, and others, like now, where I feel addicted to it again. Maybe it's compulsive.

There's really no reason for me to write this other than feeling ashamed of myself. It feels as though I'll never be able to clean the dirt from under my fingernails. I feel gross and dirty because of my actions. It doesn't even feel good or pleasurable, it just feels numb, and it takes my mind off the pain for a while.
Please don't hug me

Comments

  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,321 Wise Owl
    Hey @PunchThe_Internet , firstly,. thank you so much for sharing this with us with such courage, openness, and vulnerability. Shame has a habit of making us feel like we ought to hide, and you're doing so well here to reach out, speak up, and put your feelings into words. We're listening, and there is no judgement here.

    What you're describing sounds so hard, and I can really feel just how much that sense of shame has gotten under your skin, leaving you feeling unclean and numb. I can hear how you worry that watching this content doesn't feel healthy and that it has become addictive, as though the compulsion to watch it feels outside your control and very overwhelming. Would that be fair to say?

    You mentioned how you notice yourself reaching for this content to cope with depression, paranoia, and hallucinations, and you've made a link too to your own expereinces with trauma growing up. That sounds extreamly difficult, and it feels like you have a lot of self-awareness around what's happening for you but perhaps feel more stuck when it comes to making a change. Would that be correct too?

    How did it feel to make this post in the first place? Again, you're doing so well to talk about this.

    Have you been able to speak with anyone else at all in the circle of people that know you? What kind of support do you feel you might want for yourself (both from other people and self-care) going forwards?

    I will share below some resources which might be able to support you:
    An organisation called Addiction Helper offers free confidential addiction treatment advice including private treatment options for people addicted to alcohol, drug-taking, gambling, eating or sexual habits. They also provide much needed advice and support for the families of addicts and information about addictions and mental health issues. You can call them on 0800 014 8206 or request a callback on their website, available 24/7. You can also e-mail them at info@addictionhelper.com and there is a livechat on their website. If you would like more information, please visit their website at www.addictionhelper.com

    The Icarus Trust is an organisation that provides support to those suffering from addictive and obsessive behaviour, and to families who are affected by the addiction of a loved one. Whether that is due to drugs, alcohol, gambling or something else entirely. They can provide Rehab in the Community, where the addict can stay home with their family whilst undertaking long-term and continuous counselling. They can connect any member of an affected family with a trained volunteer who can provide personal support whenever you need them. Finally, they can signpost you on to other services and information so that you can get the most appropriate support for your situation. Their website is http://www.icarustrust.co.uk/ and to get in contact with them you will need to fill out a form.

    Assist Trauma Care offers evidence-based therapy to adults and children affected by a wide range of traumatic occurrences, including anxiety, PTSD and traumatic bereavement. If you or a member of your family have experienced a traumatic incident and would like to discuss whether therapy from ASSIST can help you, please telephone 01788 551919 or email admin@assisttraumacare.org.uk. Assist charges for assessments and then upon commencing therapy, charge by an hourly rate. There are different factors such as location and therapeutic needs which would determine the cost of therapy therefore they do not provide a fixed price. Find more information on their website http://assisttraumacare.org.uk/

    How do these options sound?
  • PunchThe_InternetPunchThe_Internet Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    What you're describing sounds so hard, and i can really feel just how much that sense of shame has gotten under your skin, leaving you feeling unclean and numb. I can hear how you worry that watching this content doesn't feel healthy and that it has become addictive, as though the compulsion to watch it feels outside your control and very overwhelming. Would that be fair to say
    Yes, I think so to some extent. It’s an urge and like an itch I can’t scratch any other way. I think it’s hard for me to make a change because it isaddictive. I’ve had these behaviours on and off for a couple of years, but it’s escalated as I’ve got older. It makes me feel dirty, and I worry about what actions I’ll take next to fulfil my ‘sickness’ and these urges. It’s overwhelming to stop. I have before, but it’s so easy to fall back into the habit that I don’t see myself stopping for a while because I don't know what I'll do otherwise.

    I just wanted to put my thoughts down. I feel gross and like I’m a pervert, but it’s easier for me to talk about things like this anonymously rather than to someone I know personally. There’s less judgement, although I still feel judged, but it’s most likely my own judgement towards myself and paranoia, honestly. It feels disgusting, and I hate the way i am and how I act.

    I don’t want to talk to anyone I know personally about it. I don’t want to admit to or come forward about the content I view. I don’t watch pornography often, and it’s not my main source, but regardless, it would cause issues I don’t want to deal with. I don’t want to have to explain myself, face the shame and consequences, and be cut off from it when I’m not ready to.

    I’ll look at the sources you’ve provided. Thanks.

    Please don't hug me
  • Sian321Sian321 Community Manager Posts: 1,321 Wise Owl
    Hey @PunchThe_Internet .

    You're doing really well again to share about this and thank you so much for your honesty.

    I hear you describing just how addictive and compulsive these behaviours feel, and it sounds like you're working hard to try and understand what's going on. I wonder, are there any moments where the urges get stronger or quieter? are there any external triggers you notice that bring the urges on?
    I worry about what actions I’ll take next to fulfil my ‘sickness’ and these urges.

    I hear you, and really get the sense of just how out-of-control it can feel sometimes when those urges get loud. It sounds extreamly all consuming. May I ask, what do you fear might happen if you take those urges further?
    I’ll look at the sources you’ve provided. Thanks.

    How have you gotten on with those resources so far? Have there been any there that feel useful?
  • PunchThe_InternetPunchThe_Internet Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    I think there is some external trigger based on association, but many of the thoughts feel intrusive and impulsive. Sometimes I have unpleasant thoughts about someone, even when I’m not interested in them in any way. I feel bad because I wouldn’t want someone thinking about me in the same way i do about them. I don’t take any pleasure in it and try to dispel the thoughts since they are intrusive. I still feel guilty about them, though.
    I don’t really know what I’m rambling on about, my thoughts have been so cluttered and disorganised lately.

    I’m worried these behaviours and thoughts might lead to something more 'real.' I’m not proud of who I used to be and I try to forget about it and move on. In short, there are probably inappropriate pictures of me circulating on the internet because of things I did in the past. I was coerced into a lot of it, but I’m still the one who took the pictures. I could’ve said no, but I didn’t. I still feel ashamed and disgusted by it, and by myself, for being that naive. Luckily none of them had my face in them, but i'm still not proud. I've come to deeply resent my body and myself.

    It also makes me feel gross about myself, like I’m just an object for pleasure and nothing more. I think one of my greatest fears is being used again, and I feel like I can;t trust anyone. Then that leads to self-destruction. 'If i hurt myself first, then no one else can.'

    I looked at the resources, but i'm not sure if I'll use any of them. I already have a therapist and I'm reluctant to reach out for help about this. I like doing things on my own and on my own terms. It's also too embarrassing and shameful for me. Regardless, thank you.
    Please don't hug me
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