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unhealthy coping
PunchThe_Internet
Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
Possible TW: hypersexuality
For a few years now, I've used self-pleasure and nsfw content to soothe myself. I know it isn't healthy, but it feels like an addiction. It's been on and off for months, and I've fallen into the cycle again.
It really isn't about pleasure, it's about self-loathing and how that's the only way I can feel good for a while. With my hallucinations, paranoia, and depression growing more intense, I feel overwhelmed and weighed down. My body ends up hurting because I feel insatiable and it makes me sick. I'm disgusted. I'm not proud of myself and if anything, I hate myself for being this way.
I think the hypersexuality stems from my trauma. I was exposed to inappropriate content at a young age and was forced to engage in it. I go through months where I'm completely repulsed, and others, like now, where I feel addicted to it again. Maybe it's compulsive.
There's really no reason for me to write this other than feeling ashamed of myself. It feels as though I'll never be able to clean the dirt from under my fingernails. I feel gross and dirty because of my actions. It doesn't even feel good or pleasurable, it just feels numb, and it takes my mind off the pain for a while.
For a few years now, I've used self-pleasure and nsfw content to soothe myself. I know it isn't healthy, but it feels like an addiction. It's been on and off for months, and I've fallen into the cycle again.
It really isn't about pleasure, it's about self-loathing and how that's the only way I can feel good for a while. With my hallucinations, paranoia, and depression growing more intense, I feel overwhelmed and weighed down. My body ends up hurting because I feel insatiable and it makes me sick. I'm disgusted. I'm not proud of myself and if anything, I hate myself for being this way.
I think the hypersexuality stems from my trauma. I was exposed to inappropriate content at a young age and was forced to engage in it. I go through months where I'm completely repulsed, and others, like now, where I feel addicted to it again. Maybe it's compulsive.
There's really no reason for me to write this other than feeling ashamed of myself. It feels as though I'll never be able to clean the dirt from under my fingernails. I feel gross and dirty because of my actions. It doesn't even feel good or pleasurable, it just feels numb, and it takes my mind off the pain for a while.
Please don't hug me
4
Comments
What you're describing sounds so hard, and I can really feel just how much that sense of shame has gotten under your skin, leaving you feeling unclean and numb. I can hear how you worry that watching this content doesn't feel healthy and that it has become addictive, as though the compulsion to watch it feels outside your control and very overwhelming. Would that be fair to say?
You mentioned how you notice yourself reaching for this content to cope with depression, paranoia, and hallucinations, and you've made a link too to your own expereinces with trauma growing up. That sounds extreamly difficult, and it feels like you have a lot of self-awareness around what's happening for you but perhaps feel more stuck when it comes to making a change. Would that be correct too?
How did it feel to make this post in the first place? Again, you're doing so well to talk about this.
Have you been able to speak with anyone else at all in the circle of people that know you? What kind of support do you feel you might want for yourself (both from other people and self-care) going forwards?
I will share below some resources which might be able to support you:
The Icarus Trust is an organisation that provides support to those suffering from addictive and obsessive behaviour, and to families who are affected by the addiction of a loved one. Whether that is due to drugs, alcohol, gambling or something else entirely. They can provide Rehab in the Community, where the addict can stay home with their family whilst undertaking long-term and continuous counselling. They can connect any member of an affected family with a trained volunteer who can provide personal support whenever you need them. Finally, they can signpost you on to other services and information so that you can get the most appropriate support for your situation. Their website is http://www.icarustrust.co.uk/ and to get in contact with them you will need to fill out a form.
Assist Trauma Care offers evidence-based therapy to adults and children affected by a wide range of traumatic occurrences, including anxiety, PTSD and traumatic bereavement. If you or a member of your family have experienced a traumatic incident and would like to discuss whether therapy from ASSIST can help you, please telephone 01788 551919 or email admin@assisttraumacare.org.uk. Assist charges for assessments and then upon commencing therapy, charge by an hourly rate. There are different factors such as location and therapeutic needs which would determine the cost of therapy therefore they do not provide a fixed price. Find more information on their website http://assisttraumacare.org.uk/
How do these options sound?
I just wanted to put my thoughts down. I feel gross and like I’m a pervert, but it’s easier for me to talk about things like this anonymously rather than to someone I know personally. There’s less judgement, although I still feel judged, but it’s most likely my own judgement towards myself and paranoia, honestly. It feels disgusting, and I hate the way i am and how I act.
I don’t want to talk to anyone I know personally about it. I don’t want to admit to or come forward about the content I view. I don’t watch pornography often, and it’s not my main source, but regardless, it would cause issues I don’t want to deal with. I don’t want to have to explain myself, face the shame and consequences, and be cut off from it when I’m not ready to.
I’ll look at the sources you’ve provided. Thanks.
You're doing really well again to share about this and thank you so much for your honesty.
I hear you describing just how addictive and compulsive these behaviours feel, and it sounds like you're working hard to try and understand what's going on. I wonder, are there any moments where the urges get stronger or quieter? are there any external triggers you notice that bring the urges on?
I hear you, and really get the sense of just how out-of-control it can feel sometimes when those urges get loud. It sounds extreamly all consuming. May I ask, what do you fear might happen if you take those urges further?
How have you gotten on with those resources so far? Have there been any there that feel useful?
I don’t really know what I’m rambling on about, my thoughts have been so cluttered and disorganised lately.
I’m worried these behaviours and thoughts might lead to something more 'real.' I’m not proud of who I used to be and I try to forget about it and move on. In short, there are probably inappropriate pictures of me circulating on the internet because of things I did in the past. I was coerced into a lot of it, but I’m still the one who took the pictures. I could’ve said no, but I didn’t. I still feel ashamed and disgusted by it, and by myself, for being that naive. Luckily none of them had my face in them, but i'm still not proud. I've come to deeply resent my body and myself.
It also makes me feel gross about myself, like I’m just an object for pleasure and nothing more. I think one of my greatest fears is being used again, and I feel like I can;t trust anyone. Then that leads to self-destruction. 'If i hurt myself first, then no one else can.'
I looked at the resources, but i'm not sure if I'll use any of them. I already have a therapist and I'm reluctant to reach out for help about this. I like doing things on my own and on my own terms. It's also too embarrassing and shameful for me. Regardless, thank you.