An apology from a Wounded Heart

River

I'm sorry I flinch at kindness,
like it's a trick I haven’t learned to trust.
I'm sorry I stare too much sometimes,
lost in a world that stole too much of me
 
I zone out when it gets too loud—
even when the room is quiet.
My mind slips away to survive
The sudden terrors of sounds I hear
They lurk in the background, I hear them
 
I'm sorry for the times I act out,
when fear is covered by anger,
when my voice sharpens and the barriers within come alive
even when im not angry just scared and tired of hurting.
 
I know it’s hard to understand
why I cry so randomly
or why I get upset over things that don’t make sense to you.
They don’t always make sense to me either
Sometimes I just cry because I fear my brain
 
I'm sorry Im too much to handle
I’m sorry I’m not good enough
all at once I just cause a mess
I'm trying to learn how to be safe in my skin
 
My trauma being a key of the unsafe world
A map of the life I used to live
Of places and people that still haunt me
Filled with fears I still can’t face

I love, but it’s different
I care in different ways
I love without physical touch
I love without the “I love you”

I’m sorry for the mess that I am
Im sorry for being who I am
Im sorry for always panicking over slight things
Text tone, no emojis, slight tone change
I’m sorry I overthink

I’m really trying to heal
But it feels impossible to do
When I’m still only surviving
Not living