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Sometimes it's just tiring yk? TW
Chloe234
Community Connector Posts: 3,881 Community Veteran
It's just tiring. Like this whole week I've pushed myself to seem happy when I'm not, I'm falling apart completely but then there's things around that are just shit because like I gotta talk to this social worker on Tuesday when I really really don't want to because it's gonna bring up so much from the past and then there's also the fact that this time last year my aunt was lying in hospice and we were being told she had days left.
The 22nd marks a year since she passed and although that's not for 11 days there's still the fact that she was suffering at this point last year. My uncle is also really struggling and I can tell just by how he's displaying.
I'm in such a low place and it's just a never ending pit but it's tricky because like I'm stuck this way and I don't have any support until the 22nd (college) and the 28th (psychologist). I'm 10 days clean from sh and all but it doesn't feel like an achievement. I'm just numb around it.
The 22nd marks a year since she passed and although that's not for 11 days there's still the fact that she was suffering at this point last year. My uncle is also really struggling and I can tell just by how he's displaying.
I'm in such a low place and it's just a never ending pit but it's tricky because like I'm stuck this way and I don't have any support until the 22nd (college) and the 28th (psychologist). I'm 10 days clean from sh and all but it doesn't feel like an achievement. I'm just numb around it.
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Comments
I hear the dread you have for this meeting with the social worker, because I see you mention you have a lot of trauma which could be dredged up through this and that it's an unfortunate time because you said you don't have your regular support for a while. Where do you think you could reach out to about the social worker meeting and your other feelings until college/you get the chance to speak to your psychologist?
It does sound so tiring, grief is such an exhausting emotion and despite us humans going through it for the entirety of history, it doesn't seem to get any easier which is a testimony to how valid your feelings are.
It sounds like you might be caught between a rock and a hard place, you want to get to the 22nd to be able to start having some support again, but then this also brings you to the day you are dreading. And that potential internal conflict is so understandable, and I can imagine it feels like a rollercoaster of emotions which you don't feel you can get away from, does that resonate at all?
Your feelings are there to be felt even if they might feel overwhelming and I completely get that it might all feel like too much right now, and it's all piling up in the pit you can't escape, and well done for being 10 days clean despite all of this. You are a trooper even if you shouldn't have to be, and the community here is happy to step in to give you some support in these gaps in your support systems!
I don't really know ): I guess there's here but then there's only so much I can say and like I don't wanna start becoming dependent on here again. I can imagine on the Wednesday one of the people from safeguarding at college will message asking how it went as she's working a little bit over the holidays and already checked in once yesterday but again, ill still have to filter myself a little.
Yeah that resonates completely and it's awful ): I just wish I could have a break sometimes.
It sounds like this whole week has been so exhausting - pushing yourself to seem like you're happy when inside it feels like you're falling apart. That sounds incredibly draining, and so much pressure too. And I hear what you're saying about not wanting to bring up so much from your past. It is valid that this might feel really overwhelming, and I get the sense you're perhaps worried that if you do open up the past with your social worker, it might feel like drowning? Does that ring true at all?
Thank you for sharing too with us about your aunt and your uncle. I can hear just how hard this time of year is esspecially, thinking back to your aunt suffering and seeing your uncle struggle now too. That's a huge amount to process, and I hear just how much you care for them both.
You mentioned that it feels so conflicting right now because you're having to go without much support until the 22nd and 28th, and even when your SG officer does reach out, a part of you feels like you need to 'filter' yourself and can't share everything. What holds you back in those moments, Chloe? What do you imagine might happen if you did share just how tough things are?
I hear you saying too about not wanting to be 'dependent' here on Community, and it sounds like you're really listening to yourself and trying to take lots of care around your boundaries. That is so positive, and you're in full control of how you wish to use this space. If and when you do reach out, we're here for you to listen without judgement. You're doing so well to talk about this.
I struggle with flashbacks (me and my psychologist are exploring the likelihood of PTSD) and I've been starting to get some new ones around the things I've randomly started remembering and I hate it because it used to mainly be around one trauma but now it's around many. Altho then there's also the worry that I'm gonna get the flashbacks as I'm talking to the social worker and I don't know how I'll be able to hide it.
I think one thing that holds me back is the fact that there's only so much that can be said over messages compared to in person. I'd also be worried that I'd say something that'd be taken out of context and then there be a further concern where they would contact my dad because my college contact him about something as "simple" (idk what word is best) as a relapse