Oncoming paranoia

PunchThe_Internet

I've been hallucinating again. At least, I've become aware of them again. Some of my hallucinations aren't as scary as others, which makes them hard for me to notice. But when it gets bad, I feel like I can't function. I don't want it to get worse over time again where I'm constantly terrified.

I'm seeing things outside windows and doors lately, like they're watching me. These "things" resemble humans except with abstract and abnormal features. Majority of them watch me. I don't know what they want from me. I've also been hearing voices and sounds again. The voices are usually adults that speak in incoherent gibberish.

I don't want it to get worse because then I become paranoid. It spirals into a tight box that I get stuck in and I end up terrified of everything and everyone. I wonder, sometimes, if this is all a dream and if I'll ever wake up from it.

My anxiety has been higher, too. I often believe someone is trying to sabotage me or someone is fooling me / impersonating someone I know. Or maybe two people I know are actually the same person. I get to times where I feel like people are waiting on my downfall and are watching me until then. My thoughts tend to become extreme for what people are "trying to do to me." Such as, poisoning my food, water, putting cameras on me to watch me. Even if someone compliments me, I begin to think about what they want. Maybe they're trying to gain my trust to lure me- that is one of my first thoughts. I guess I'm just paranoid.

Sian321

Hey @PunchThe_Internet thank you so much for your trust in sharing this. From what you've said, I can hear that hallucinating can be extreamly scary for you, esspecially when you notice things 'watching you' or there's the feeling that people are trying to poison you. That sounds so truly frightening, and you're doing really well to reach out and talk about this.

I don't want it to get worse because then I become paranoid. It spirals into a tight box that I get stuck in and I end up terrified of everything and everyone. I wonder, sometimes, if this is all a dream and if I'll ever wake up from it.

I hear you, and just how much you don't want things to spiral. I can imagine it is totally overwhelming to fear that this might all be a nightmare that you can never wake up from, and already you're taking such positive steps to put words to this and to reach out.

I wonder if you've noticed anything lately that might have spiked your anxiety?

In the past, have you noticed any triggers that can make hallucinations stronger / calmer?

Can I also ask if you have been able to share about these experiences with other people in your life too, or whether you have ever received any support in the past around this?

I will share below a few options of services that may be able to support you further:

Voice Collective support children and young people who hear voices, see visions and have other 'unusual' sensory experiences or beliefs. They also offer support to the parents and families of those who hear voices. They have peer support groups for people aged 16-25 on Zoom, 1-to-1 email support for anyone under 25, and 1-to-1 Zoom/Teams support. They can also offer face-to-face support if you live locally to Camden in North London. They have a peer support forum on Discord for anyone aged 13-25 and they hold a number of online Creative Workshops throughout the year. You can get in touch and find more information by emailing info@voicecollective.co.uk. Their website is http://www.voicecollective.co.uk/

There is an organisation called Hearing Voices Network (HVN) that develop and support user-led peer support networks for people who experience voice hearing. They share information and free resources through their website, social media, e-bulletin, newsletter and email information service. Also, their website has lots of information on hearing voices groups. There are over 180 hearing voices groups across the UK where people with shared experiences come together to support one another. They offer a safe haven where people who hear, see or sense things that other people don’t can feel accepted, valued and understood. You can find a local group on their website. If you would like to find out more about their work you can email info@hearing-voices.org or go to their website www.hearing-voices.org

Intervoice is an international charity based in the UK that connects people who hear voices together. Their website has a host of information on how to cope with hearing voices, what recovery can look like, why people might hear voices, supporting family and friends who are hearing voices, and a range of other useful resources. You can contact them on info@intervoiceonline.org or join them on their social media channels. For more information and to connect with others, their website is http://www.intervoiceonline.org/

There's an organisation called Anxiety UK which offers support and information for people who experience anxiety disorders such as panic attacks, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorders, social anxiety and associated depressions. You can book a call with an advisor on their website for their service called Tauk to us. You can also call 03444 775 774 to receive automated information on their service. This is available 24/7. Their email address is support@anxietyuk.org.uk and you can also go to their website for more information, or for their counselling services at https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

How do these sound?

We're all here for you, @PunchThe_Internet , and thank you again for making this post

PunchThe_Internet

@Sian321 , thank you.

Sometimes my hallucinations seem to come on without any trigger. For years, they've come in cycles. I go for a period of time without hallucinating, then they come back for 1-2 months, only for them to eventually fade out again.

Lately, I've noticed that whenever they begin again, I think I've been very paranoid. This is something new, which means to me that it's progressively getting worse. I don't know exactly what's causing my paranoia, though. Maybe it's just that paranoia is causing more paranoia. The result is me often times feeling uncomfortable around people or feelings of impending doom, like something very awful is going to happen again. The discomfort around people are related to betrayal and harm, or the inability to predict or protect myself. I guess I feel vulnerable in some way and my livelihood is being threatened.

For example, I was in the library today. Someone sat behind me. I spent all of the time they were there, around one hour, uncomfortable and wondering what they were doing, what they wanted, why they were behind me, what they were planning. My thoughts turn negative drastically, even when I don't know the person. It makes me feel guilty.

Maybe I have feelings of impending doom since my trauma was continuous. Different traumatic things happened months apart. But I think it instilled in me this dread. I'm anticipating another trauma. "What else is going to happen now?" Things have been so calm lately and things have been better, I'm trying to prepare myself for what will harm me next because I am in fact defenseless and vulnerable.

I have a therapist that I see weekly and I've talked about my hallucinations and paranoia before. I've also tried telling my family, but they weren't receptive to it. They seem to have a difficult time understanding, so I haven't spoken about it for years. Regardless, they're supportive.

I will look at the sources you have linked. Thank you again.