[TW: Suicide] its been exhausting

eylah

things have been so exhausting for me since coming out of hospital and its exhausting me day by day. came out of hospital early bc idk why but been seeing the mh nurse since coming out and its been rly exhausting. ended up in hospital yesterday bc i had a reaction to medicine that i was given but that rly scared me bc i have never reacted like that to medicine before so it scared me.

but since coming out of hospital ive been rly struggling and its sad bc i have no routine now i have noone to talk to if i need someone to talk to or help. i am better out of hospital i know for sure but its just been getting worse since. idk how to even look after myself bc least i was reminded every day etc but i am lacking on everything and i have no motivation.

i just want to be happy i rly do but it seems to not want to happen . ive been having suicidal thoughts to which is hard and having to cope on my own. *im safe i have no plan its just thoughts* i am trying my best every day like even making some food is rly difficult for me to even manage i just want a better life i want to be better. its just hard why wont things go right bc it is draining me.

sry for a pointless post i just need to get everything of my chest.

stardust444

@eylah im so sorry you’ve been feeling like this, I’m sending so many hugs and I hope better times are coming for you ❤️‍🩹🫶🫶🫶

Sian321

Hey @eylah , thank you for this post. While I hear you say that your post felt 'pointless' to you, I'd like to offer that from where I'm standing, everything you've shared here feels so valid, and in fact, it's really positive that you've felt able to open up like this and to be honest about what things have been like for you since leaving hospital. While being discharged was something you were working towards, that doesn't have to mean that it can't also be an extreamly hard process and adjustment. Thank you for your trust in sharing what you have.

From what you've described, it sounds like it's been one thing after another recently, with the adverse reaction to your medication, adjusting to a totally different environment and daily routine/ no routine (so overwhelming!), as well as your appointments with your mh nurse. Even while hospital was a really hard place to be living, its valid that you also felt really connected to others and supported there too, which made a huge difference and was comforting. It feels like you really valued the daily reminders to take care of yourself and the chance to talk and get things off your chest. It makes sense that now you've been discharged a part of you really misses this. I can imagine it feeling isolating to be living more independently again, even if another part of you is glad.

i just want to be happy i rly do but it seems to not want to happen . ive been having suicidal thoughts to which is hard and having to cope on my own. *im safe i have no plan its just thoughts* i am trying my best every day like even making some food is rly difficult for me to even manage i just want a better life i want to be better. its just hard why wont things go right bc it is draining me.

I hear you, Eylah, and it really does sound so exhausting to be fighting every single day for the clouds to lift and to feel happier and lighter and yet, to still be struggling. You're so drained, and you just want some relief from it now. That makes so much sense.

TW: Suicide

When those thoughts of suicide cross your mind, I wonder what kind of emotions come up for you?

We're here to listen without judgement and while we're glad to hear you're safe, we recognise that doesn't take away from just how tough it is to liver with suicidal feelings.

How would the nurses at hospital support you when you felt suicidal there? I wonder if there was anything they would do or say that felt particularly comforting? How do you think you could try to offer yourself reminders to practise self-care and self-compassion in the ways that the nurses used to? I know you often post affirmations here which are always so beautiful. Would these be something you could offer yourself? What affirmations do you feel like you're craving to hear right now?

Grateful for you sharing this, @eylah , and we're all here

eylah

stardust444 wrote: »

@eylah im so sorry you’ve been feeling like this, I’m sending so many hugs and I hope better times are coming for you ❤️‍🩹🫶🫶🫶

thankyou so much it means a lot to me

eylah

Sian321 wrote: »

Hey @eylah , thank you for this post. While I hear you say that your post felt 'pointless' to you, I'd like to offer that from where I'm standing, everything you've shared here feels so valid, and in fact, it's really positive that you've felt able to open up like this and to be honest about what things have been like for you since leaving hospital. While being discharged was something you were working towards, that doesn't have to mean that it can't also be an extreamly hard process and adjustment. Thank you for your trust in sharing what you have.

From what you've described, it sounds like it's been one thing after another recently, with the adverse reaction to your medication, adjusting to a totally different environment and daily routine/ no routine (so overwhelming!), as well as your appointments with your mh nurse. Even while hospital was a really hard place to be living, its valid that you also felt really connected to others and supported there too, which made a huge difference and was comforting. It feels like you really valued the daily reminders to take care of yourself and the chance to talk and get things off your chest. It makes sense that now you've been discharged a part of you really misses this. I can imagine it feeling isolating to be living more independently again, even if another part of you is glad.

i just want to be happy i rly do but it seems to not want to happen . ive been having suicidal thoughts to which is hard and having to cope on my own. *im safe i have no plan its just thoughts* i am trying my best every day like even making some food is rly difficult for me to even manage i just want a better life i want to be better. its just hard why wont things go right bc it is draining me.

I hear you, Eylah, and it really does sound so exhausting to be fighting every single day for the clouds to lift and to feel happier and lighter and yet, to still be struggling. You're so drained, and you just want some relief from it now. That makes so much sense.

TW: Suicide

When those thoughts of suicide cross your mind, I wonder what kind of emotions come up for you?

We're here to listen without judgement and while we're glad to hear you're safe, we recognise that doesn't take away from just how tough it is to liver with suicidal feelings.

How would the nurses at hospital support you when you felt suicidal there? I wonder if there was anything they would do or say that felt particularly comforting? How do you think you could try to offer yourself reminders to practise self-care and self-compassion in the ways that the nurses used to? I know you often post affirmations here which are always so beautiful. Would these be something you could offer yourself? What affirmations do you feel like you're craving to hear right now?

Grateful for you sharing this, @eylah , and we're all here

hi @Sian321 rly appreciate you replying to me it means a lot

yeah with the hospital i was having my meds at a certain time in morning/night so it feels rly strange not having that routine now. its im trying to go bed at a certain times then wake up but im waking up at strange times of morning so its not working .

regards to the suicidal thoughts i feel lots of different emotions anxiety to like giving up but most things im feeling rn is lots of stress bc it seems i cant deal with anything. im going to all my hospital appts which is gd but my life is just feeling rly hectic atm.

im not suicidal today im just feeling very tired today but i forgot to mention the hospital to home treatment team are supporting me for a while few weeks so im glad i have them. think someone is coming to take me food shopping today idk tbh. but im just wanting to get my sleep back on track which is non existent rn bc i am struggling with sleep im struggling with staying asleep then waking up being not feeling gd so it is all stressing me out rly.

rly appreciate you both replying to me it means a lot

Orchid059

@eylah I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, but I’m glad you have the hospital and home treatment team supporting you right now. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot—routine changes, stress, and struggles with sleep can definitely throw off your balance, especially when you're trying to manage all the emotions that come with it.

It’s good that you’re staying on top of your appointments, even though things feel overwhelming. It might take a little time for your body and mind to adjust to a new routine, and sleep can be particularly tricky when everything feels up in the air. I imagine the unpredictability of waking up at strange times doesn’t help your stress at all. If you haven’t already, maybe trying some calming techniques before bed could help—like deep breathing or relaxing music, but I know it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.

It’s also awesome you’ve got someone coming to help with shopping—taking those little steps, even though they might feel small, can make a difference. Do you have any specific things you want to try to help with the sleep issue, or is it mostly about just getting into a rhythm again?

eylah

hi @Orchid059 im wanting help with sleep as im struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep. so im gonna try when my mh nurse is back to try ask abt medication rly bc in the hospital that helped me. also id like to be able to do stuff in day time but im to groggy and tired so its hard to rly.