(TW suicide and self harm) the type of men I’m attracted to is fucked

bignosegirly0

I am healing and there’s many lessons that I’ve learnt, which is:

•I did not deserve the mistreatment I’ve received

•The way people negatively treat me is a reflection of how they treat themselves (I’ve noticed that when I’m rude to people, it’s based on how I treat myself)

•I don’t deserve approval from those who hurt me, because I don’t deserve to go though a lot of emotional pain just in order to be approved.

•as much as I should take responsibility for hurting those who’ve hurt me, those same people should take responsibility for hurting me first

But I’ve noticed the way I’ve been treated has affected how I want to experience a romantic relationship.

I fantaise a lot about being in a relationship. And it’s often a coping mechanism for whatever issue I’m facing in the real world.

I’ve noticed that when I fantasy about an actual healthy relationship, I don’t feel satisfied. I want an unhealthy relationship where it starts with my lover hating me, hurting me and suddenly fixing what they’ve done to me.

I’ve dealt with a lot of bullying though out my life, which led to self harm and suicidal thoughts / tendencies. so 100% of my romantic fantasies goes like this:

•I get bullied tremendously by my love interest
•I struggle mentally because of it
•my love interest notices and feels immense guilt
•he apologises and tries to fix me mentally
•this leads to a romantic relationship

I feel ashamed.

Why am I like this???????

Orchid059

First of all, I want to say that it’s really brave of you to recognize and acknowledge these feelings—it’s not easy to confront the pain and patterns we’ve internalized, especially when it comes to something as personal as how we envision relationships. The fact that you are processing and reflecting on all of this shows a lot of strength.

The way you’ve been treated in the past absolutely impacts how you might view love and relationships. Sometimes, we create patterns in our minds that feel familiar, even if they’re not healthy. When you’ve faced bullying and mistreatment, those experiences can influence how you expect to be treated, even in relationships that should be built on respect, trust, and care. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, valued, and truly loved without having to endure emotional pain to get to that point.

It’s completely okay to feel conflicted, and you don’t need to feel ashamed for having these thoughts- what you’ve experienced has shaped how you process relationships, and healing is a gradual process.

The fact that you’re aware of this dynamic is already a huge step. You don’t have to navigate this on your own. You are worthy of love that isn’t tied to suffering or emotional manipulation, and you deserve to heal so that you can build relationships that bring you joy and peace, not pain