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(TW suicide) I’m worried therapy won’t help
bignosegirly0
Posts: 136 The Mix Convert
If I’m not gonna kill myself for a while, I might as well go back into therapy. I feel mildly pathetic because I’ve been to therapy several times. And I thought I’d would have had my shit together now.
In a nutshell, everyday, I obsess over how I’m never gonna experience love or have worth in life due to my looks. I have had many personal experiences that proves my point. Not to mention, there’s many psychological studies proving that pretty privilege is real and one’s appearance can heavily impact their life (such as friends, relationships, careers). Constantly obsessing over these facts makes me want to die, especially when I have men or women rub it in my face.
In addition, I experience extreme bitterness and jealousy, causing me to make stupid decisions in order to get back at those who’ve hurt me, because I’m jealous they’re living better lives than me. While they have massive groups of friends, a good relationship and career, I’m alone and work in a job I hate because I’m the ugliest coworker.
I have autism, but I don’t know whether if there’s an underlying disorder that I haven’t discovered. I’ve been to therapy in the past when I suspected I may have body dsymorphia. I don’t know whether if there’s have borderline personality disorder, due to my lack of control for my anger and extreme mindset of using suicide as a solution. Not to mention, my deep yearning for approval to prove my worth as a person. But then again, I don’t have any friendships, neither do I have any self destructive behaviours (expect for occasional situations where I would hurt myself or make plans or attempt suicide)
Obviously, I have poor self esteem, but I would consider it as self awareness at this point. People don’t realise that one’s self esteem can be built on personal experiences. And if I experience a certain treatment throughout my life, it must mean something about me. Being mistreated for being unattractive my whole life and still dealing with it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not ugly. Of course I’m gonna be insecure about how others treat me in the real world.
I don’t see a future ahead of me. Not being able to experience love makes me want to die. The thought of being alone in my 50’s makes me want to die. Another fact that justifies me killing myself is the fact that I’m not a good person. I keep fucking up, no matter what I do to prevent myself from fucking up. I’m a miserable person, whose misery leads to extreme bitterness and anger, which causes me to lash out at others or say stupid shit. I don’t think I deserve to live. And a part of me is convinced that the only way I can stop hurting others is by ending my life.
But the only thing that I have to lose is my family. They’re way stronger than I’ll ever be, and they’ve dealt with deaths many times. But I know they will be devastated if they ever receive news about me succeeding in killing myself.
Now I know there are some things therapy can’t change:
•In the real world, I am considered unattractive by men and they won’t stop teasing me about it
•I’ll never experience love
This isn’t my low self esteem speaking, this is just a fact. And a part of me doesn’t wanna go back to therapy because I don’t want to receive false hope. I don’t want to be told that “confidence is key” and “beauty is subjective” because based on many personal experiences, I have prove that what I’m upset about is real and not all in my head.
If I were to go back to therapy, I hope I could:
•learn how to control my emotions
•learn how to not make stupid decisions based on my emotions
In a nutshell, everyday, I obsess over how I’m never gonna experience love or have worth in life due to my looks. I have had many personal experiences that proves my point. Not to mention, there’s many psychological studies proving that pretty privilege is real and one’s appearance can heavily impact their life (such as friends, relationships, careers). Constantly obsessing over these facts makes me want to die, especially when I have men or women rub it in my face.
In addition, I experience extreme bitterness and jealousy, causing me to make stupid decisions in order to get back at those who’ve hurt me, because I’m jealous they’re living better lives than me. While they have massive groups of friends, a good relationship and career, I’m alone and work in a job I hate because I’m the ugliest coworker.
I have autism, but I don’t know whether if there’s an underlying disorder that I haven’t discovered. I’ve been to therapy in the past when I suspected I may have body dsymorphia. I don’t know whether if there’s have borderline personality disorder, due to my lack of control for my anger and extreme mindset of using suicide as a solution. Not to mention, my deep yearning for approval to prove my worth as a person. But then again, I don’t have any friendships, neither do I have any self destructive behaviours (expect for occasional situations where I would hurt myself or make plans or attempt suicide)
Obviously, I have poor self esteem, but I would consider it as self awareness at this point. People don’t realise that one’s self esteem can be built on personal experiences. And if I experience a certain treatment throughout my life, it must mean something about me. Being mistreated for being unattractive my whole life and still dealing with it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not ugly. Of course I’m gonna be insecure about how others treat me in the real world.
I don’t see a future ahead of me. Not being able to experience love makes me want to die. The thought of being alone in my 50’s makes me want to die. Another fact that justifies me killing myself is the fact that I’m not a good person. I keep fucking up, no matter what I do to prevent myself from fucking up. I’m a miserable person, whose misery leads to extreme bitterness and anger, which causes me to lash out at others or say stupid shit. I don’t think I deserve to live. And a part of me is convinced that the only way I can stop hurting others is by ending my life.
But the only thing that I have to lose is my family. They’re way stronger than I’ll ever be, and they’ve dealt with deaths many times. But I know they will be devastated if they ever receive news about me succeeding in killing myself.
Now I know there are some things therapy can’t change:
•In the real world, I am considered unattractive by men and they won’t stop teasing me about it
•I’ll never experience love
This isn’t my low self esteem speaking, this is just a fact. And a part of me doesn’t wanna go back to therapy because I don’t want to receive false hope. I don’t want to be told that “confidence is key” and “beauty is subjective” because based on many personal experiences, I have prove that what I’m upset about is real and not all in my head.
If I were to go back to therapy, I hope I could:
•learn how to control my emotions
•learn how to not make stupid decisions based on my emotions
3
Comments
I think considering going back to therapy is a very good idea. It takes a lot of strength to look at a situation that you see as impossible to overcome and to try anyway.
Quite a lot of people have this relationship with therapy, it's important to remember that dealing with your mental health is a journey, with highs and lows, setbacks and breakthroughs. It's not as simple as going to therapy once or twice and then you're cured (even though I'm sure everyone wishes it was)!
Breaking down complex thoughts, emotions and past experiences takes many people YEARS to get through until they feel like they are in a good place again. And with what you've shared, I think having another perspective could help you with these thoughts
It's great to hear that you've given this some thought and have some clear goals for if you choose to go back to therapy. If you chose to go, sharing these goals with a therapist would help them tailor the appointments to your needs and better understand your situation