(TW in post) does anyone with suicidal thoughts worry if they’ll go to hell?

bignosegirly0

TW: I discuss my issues with self harm, suicide and an incident involving a coworker reposting a video including details of sexual violence.


I’m safe but have a history of struggling with suicidal ideation, made plans and failed/gave up one or two attempts.

During moments when I am 100% convinced that I’m gonna end it all, I wonder what will happen if I actually succeed. I’ve been an atheist my whole life, but death really does make me question whether there’s such thing as reincarnation, afterlife, or the worst case scenario, hell.

I’m not a morally good person and I fear I’m definitely going to hell. Despite a lot of people who have commented on how kind, polite and empathetic I am throughout my whole life, I know that if they knew who I truly was, they would absolutely hate me.

I’m a irredeemable person based on how I treat those who have hurt me:

•I hold grudges because I have issues trusting that a person have changed

•When someone has hurt me emotionally, I will take my anger out on them and vent too much to too many people because I want people to know the truth about that person

TW: self harm and sexual assault

[ •TW: self harm and sexual assault - a man who made me relapse reposted a TikTok which included details of sexual violence. So I showed his girlfriend the video to make her break up with him]



It’s obvious I’m not a good person. I have the self awareness, but not the strength to change my bitter behaviour, even though I wish I did.

Whether I die from suicide or aging, I’m worried I’m definitely going to hell.

bignosegirly0

I forgot to add another point that proves I’m not a good person. TW for self harm and suicide

[My struggles with my mental health has caused a lot of pain onto my family. They’ve dealt with years of finding suicide notes, getting calls from professionals saying I’m hurting myself and at risk of danger.]

eylah

sending you hugs 🫂 here for you

Faolan

Ya, I’ve thought this way too. Actually, sometimes I think about it so much that it gets weirdly obsessive lol. I’m Catholic so heaven and hell is a big thing to me.

I’m not a morally good person and I fear I’m definitely going to hell. Despite a lot of people who have commented on how kind, polite and empathetic I am throughout my whole life, I know that if they knew who I truly was, they would absolutely hate me.

I’m a irredeemable person based on how I treat those who have hurt me:

•I hold grudges because I have issues trusting that a person have changed

•When someone has hurt me emotionally, I will take my anger out on them and vent too much to too many people because I want people to know the truth about that person

I actually think the fact that you worry about these things and that you’re able to point them out proves that you are a good person.

all of your points there are natural human reactions to being hurt.


bad people don’t sit around agonising over whether they’re bad. They don’t wish they could be better. They’re bad and they don’t care. The difference here is that you do care. You’re not irredeemable at all. You’re just someone who is deeply hurt and wants to be heard.

Offer yourself some mercy. I really don’t think that you’re as bad as you believe.