(TW suicide and self harm) I’m scared to go back to work

bignosegirly0

Disclaimer: im currently safe.

Also, I’m not used to using spoilers, so if I use them incorrectly, I apologise.

With that being said, I’m worried about going back to work. I struggled to sleep last night. To be fair, I’ve been struggling to sleep for three nights now. I remember randomly waking up, shaking whilst feeling a tight feeling in my whole body. I felt terrified.

Now I don’t know whether I’m being paranoid or not. But I’m convinced a guy who used to pick on me at work has got his friends outside of work to continue targeting me. I say this because the way they speak is so identical. And obviously, they can get away with it, since they’re customers. It happened three times now.

•the first includes them telling someone at me from their car as they drove off.

•the second includes them insulting me as I give them their order before they drove off.

•the third includes mocking my voice and driving away laughing whilst I prepare their order.

TW:

[There’s been so many times where I’ve relapsed into self harm due to bullying at work. I even prepared to take my own life before realising I didn’t have the right tools to do it.]

But I’m not looking forward to work. I know it’s gonna happen again. Speaking out to the manager about being mistreated at work hasn’t changed anything. I’m still treated the same. Men are still disgusted by my existence and gets satisfaction from making me miserable. There’s nothing I can do about it.

TW:

[I feel as if the only way I can get them to leave me alone was if I was to kill myself. I don’t care if it gives them satisfaction. I just want peace. I don’t want to continue in this life. But at the same time, I think about how not only will my family be devastated if I took my own life. I think about how badly they’ll struggle, going to work the next day whilst resisting the urge to ball their eyes out. I know they’ll never be the same. I don’t want to hurt my family. But I also don’t want to be alive anymore. I have no one to reach out to. Mental health is a taboo topic for my family. Reaching out to my managers is worthless because nothing has changed. I’m alone.]

Faolan

This is terrible and I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this. It can’t be nice at all to dread turning up to work because of bullying.

I know you said that you spoke to your manager and nothing got better. Did your manager speak to the people who are treating you badly? Could you speak with your manager again? Sure, they have a duty of care . There should be policies and procedures in place to stop this kind of thing.

It sometimes baffles me that adults bully other adults. It’s playground behaviour.

If nothing can get better, would it save you major stress to just give up your job? No amount of pay is worth being treated like shite and sure your health is your wealth. Put that first. You could even speak to your GP and get a sick note before you make any decisions.

Men are still disgusted by my existence and gets satisfaction from making me miserable

Try not to look at it like this. It’s not men. It’s a small minority of absolute eejits who failed to mature after leaving school and so get a little kick out of making others feel brutal. It’s not you or that you’re disgusting them. They’re just morons who need to grow up.

Life can and will get better. Once you learn to love yourself for who you are. It’s clear from your other posts that you don’t really like yourself too much and there’s things you wish you could change. Once you learn to love (or even just accept) yourself, their idiotic opinions will mean nothing. Because I promise ye, their opinions do mean nothing.

bignosegirly0

@Faolan hello, thank you for your response. Yes, my manager did speak to the guy who was targeting me. I believe they made him go through an anti-harassment course and said that he’ll get fired if he continues. I could speak to them again, but I reckon it won’t go well. Because I have no proof that his friends outside of work are targeting me. I don’t know them personally. He can just easily say no and they’ll probably tell me I’m being paranoid or trying to cause trouble. However, if they do fire him, that will make things worse for me because they’ll continue to target me in worse ways.

I’ve been wanting to quit my job for a while now. I’ve been job searching continuously on Indeed, but I keep receiving rejections because Indeed utilises AI program to analyse others CVs and determine whether they’re worth it, based on the keywords that are included. If I quit now, I would be jobless for a long time. I may consider talking to my GP. I’m just worried about my family finding out. Because once again, mental health is a taboo topic for my family. When they’ve been called by mental health professionals to inform them about my self harm issues, they yell at me and call me selfish, spoilt, childish and an attention seeker.

I understand that not all men are horrible. I’m sorry if my statement was in poor taste. But unfortunately, from my personal experience, I’ve been mistreated continuously by men; starting from childhood to adulthood. At my workplace, I’ve dealt with many male coworkers who’ve targeted me for my looks. Even outside of work, men who I’m not familiar with would target me for not being attractive. This includes college, or even out in the streets.

Although I’ve struggled with poor self esteem throughout my life, I do genuinely have moments when I’m happy with how I look. But unfortunately, it is really easy for my self esteem to get knocked down by others. But I would like to hope that things will get better and that one day, I will no longer get bothered by how others negatively treat me in the real world.

Faolan

That sounds positive, that your manager spoke to the fella and gave him a good warning. When you say that it’s his friends outside of work, is this people coming to your place of work & bullying you? If so, regardless of whether it’s the same colleague or not, you’d have a right to report that straight to your manager. The least they can do is ban these people from visiting your place of work. You deserve to feel safe

I can hear why you’re hesitant to leave your job. Are you reliant on your wage? Would it be possible to sign on at a job centre and have them help support you in finding a new job? I guess I’m just thinking that if work is making you feel suicidal, it’s a place you need to get out of ASAP. Nobody deserves to feel like that.

I may consider talking to my GP. I’m just worried about my family finding out. Because once again, mental health is a taboo topic for my family. When they’ve been called by mental health professionals to inform them about my self harm issues, they yell at me and call me selfish, spoilt, childish and an attention seeker.

This is horrible. I’m so sorry that your family talked to you like that😫. My family are kind of the same. They don’t believe in mental health at all and could probably roar laughing if I said I had a mental health issue. It’s stupid though, you’re none of those things. You wouldn’t have to tell your family either. Like, if they’re not supportive they wouldn’t have to know what you discuss with your doctor.

I understand that not all men are horrible. I’m sorry if my statement was in poor taste. But unfortunately, from my personal experience, I’ve been mistreated continuously by men; starting from childhood to adulthood. At my workplace, I’ve dealt with many male coworkers who’ve targeted me for my looks. Even outside of work, men who I’m not familiar with would target me for not being attractive. This includes college, or even out in the streets.

No need to say sorry. I didn’t find it in bad taste at all. The reason I said what I did was more for you. If you’re telling yourself constantly ‘men hate me’ ‘men just want to hurt me’ ‘men find me disgusting’ etc, you’re going to start believing it. You know, there are no words to describe how sorry I am that some men in your life have mistreated you and made you feel like you’re undeserving. Sure, I imagine now you’re probably on edge when you’re around fellas?

would target me for not being attractive

And see, sure you’re after doing it again here. You tell yourself these things and you’re going to believe it. In their opinion, you weren’t attractive to them. That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. I used to have the biggest crush on a girl in my town and my cousins would always say ewww. Sure, they weren’t attracted to her. but that didn’t make her unattractive. I think she’s the prettiest woman to walk the earth. I guess the difference is that the fellas you’ve encountered lack basic decency and feel the need to voice their opinions in a way that hurts you. Probably to make them feel better. In their opinion you’re unattractive, in my opinion they’re rude feckers.

Although I’ve struggled with poor self esteem throughout my life, I do genuinely have moments when I’m happy with how I look. But unfortunately, it is really easy for my self esteem to get knocked down by others. But I would like to hope that things will get better and that one day, I will no longer get bothered by how others negatively treat me in the real world.

That’s really nice to hear. It’s understandable for your self esteem to get knocked by others. I think we’re all kinda like that in a way. You can get better. Surround yourself with good people, people who lift you up and compliment you. Stick to these types of forums (not suggesting you’re using any others but I did notice you called yourself a femcel). You’re clearly a good person and you deserve good things and good people in your life who can show you that the world isn’t all that bad

bignosegirly0

@Faolan hiya,

[When you say that it’s his friends outside of work, is this people coming to your place of work & bullying you?]

Yeah, his friends that target me aren’t coworkers. As soon as they see me, they will absolutely take their chance to bully me by saying the exact sentences (word to word) that my previous bully did to make me uncomfortable. I could bring this up with my manager, but I must also heavily emphasis that my suspicions may be wrong. I only believe they’re his friends because the stuff they say to me is exactly word to word of what my previous bully said to me.

[Are you reliant on your wage?]

I’m not in a desperate situation where I have to work to survive. I’m 20 and still living with my family. Even they are aware of the amount of times I’ve been mistreated at work and reassured me that if I wanted to leave my job, they’ll be supportive of me.

[Would it be possible to sign on at a job centre and have them help support you in finding a new job?]

My family and I have considered it. However, they’ve decided it wasn’t the most useful decision. From what we’re aware of, when you attend at a job centre, they make you call up companies that are hiring and ask for a job interview. We know this because my mum has received many phone calls in the past from teenagers trying to apply at her workplace. Often, it’s not achievable. However, I will bring it up to my family and consider visiting one.

[This is horrible. I’m so sorry that your family talked to you like that😫. My family are kind of the same. They don’t believe in mental health at all and could probably roar laughing if I said I had a mental health issue. It’s stupid though, you’re none of those things.]

I appreciate the reassurance, thank you I will say I’m not ashamed of myself for struggling mentally. Obviously, it’s not good having to deal with self harm and suicidal ideation, but I know it doesn’t make me a morally wrong individual.

[No need to say sorry. I didn’t find it in bad taste at all. The reason I said what I did was more for you. If you’re telling yourself constantly ‘men hate me’ ‘men just want to hurt me’ ‘men find me disgusting’ etc, you’re going to start believing it.]

I suppose you’re right. Often, when we tell ourself negative thoughts, it definitely makes ourself feel worse. Although I am getting better at it, I do have moments where I say horrible things about myself.

[You know, there are no words to describe how sorry I am that some men in your life have mistreated you and made you feel like you’re undeserving. Sure, I imagine now you’re probably on edge when you’re around fellas?]

I appreciate that, thank you. Unfortunately, I do have a mild fear of men my age. I can acknowledge that there are some men my age who are kind to me. But I often deal with blokes targeting me.

[In their opinion, you weren’t attractive to them. That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive]

I understand the point you’re trying to make, that beauty can be subjective. Despite receiving negative feedback from guys my age, I must also remember the positive feedback I receive from women in the past. I definitely have an issue where I only focus on the negative and not the positive.

[You can get better. Surround yourself with good people, people who lift you up and compliment you. Stick to these types of forums (not suggesting you’re using any others but I did notice you called yourself a femcel).]

Once again, thank you for the support 🫶 Although it may be hard to avoid people from work, atleast I’ve got my family who (apart from mental health problems) genuinely make me feel happy and love me for who I am. And I’m also generally greatful for the support I receive from this website when I have no one else to reach out to. Thankfully, I haven’t visited any femcel forums in a while. I still struggle with feeling bitter about not having any romantic experiences, but it’s all small steps at the end of the day.

Sorry if this is a really long response 😅 but thank you for support