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I think I have lost my friend
TheNightmare
Posts: 2,770 Boards Guru
I think I’ve lost my friend because he unfriended me on Facebook and left our group chat a few weeks or months ago. It's probably because I didn’t go to the pub events or anything he planned. I’ve pulled out of plans a lot, sometimes due to genuine reasons like being unwell, but mostly because I just didn’t feel like going. Going to the pub doesn’t excite me or feel worth getting out of bed for, and it’s just not something I’m interested in. Maybe it’s because of the stress from job searching or just because I don’t enjoy it. There was a football game I went to only because my other friend encouraged me, and if it wasn’t for them, I might have just lost the money and not gone at all. I’ve also had situations where we were supposed to go to the pub, like when we were planning to watch the Euros, but I pulled out and just went home instead. It’s not just with this one friend either; I’ve had issues with people in the past, whether it’s at school or college, and even with family or support spaces online. It feels like there’s a pattern, and I just add these things to my list of frustrations.
I remember when we used to be good friends, hanging out before lockdown, and before I could drive, he used to give me lifts. He even took me for a spin in his car when he got it, and we had a few drinks together when I turned 18. But now, we’re not friends anymore, and I’m not too bothered about it. Maybe if going out to the pub is all that he’s interested in, and that’s just not something I’m into, then we don’t share many interests. It’s just another person I’ve frustrated along the way. Even though I look at all this and think it’s unreasonable for someone to unfriend me over these things, it adds to the list of patterns I seem to have with people.
I remember when we used to be good friends, hanging out before lockdown, and before I could drive, he used to give me lifts. He even took me for a spin in his car when he got it, and we had a few drinks together when I turned 18. But now, we’re not friends anymore, and I’m not too bothered about it. Maybe if going out to the pub is all that he’s interested in, and that’s just not something I’m into, then we don’t share many interests. It’s just another person I’ve frustrated along the way. Even though I look at all this and think it’s unreasonable for someone to unfriend me over these things, it adds to the list of patterns I seem to have with people.
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Comments
Thanks foir letting us know what's been happening with your friend, and how he seems to be taking steps away.
It sounds like you're noticing a wider pattern with your friendships too, where frustrations seem to be caused when you do not attend certain events or decline invitations. And it sounds tricky, because it feels like on the one hand you don't really want to attend activities like the pub because that doesn't interest you, but at the same time, people then maybe assume you don't want to continue the friendship and pull away? Would that be fair to say?
I also hear you say that you're not really bothered about potentially losing this friend, so maybe it also feels okay
What sense do you make of this pattern you're noticing? What does it teach you about your own ways of relating to other people / what you care about in friendships?
We're here to listen without judgement!
I'm doing alright this evening, thanks for asking!
Yeah, it’s been kind of weird lately with the dynamics of my friendships. It does seem like I’m getting frustrated when I turn down things like going to the pub, mainly because I don’t really enjoy that sort of scene. But at the same time, I do feel like people might assume I’m pulling away or don’t care about them. It’s tricky, especially because it’s not that I don’t care about the friendship I just don’t vibe with certain activities. Im not really upset about potentially losing this friend, which does make things feel a little easier. But I think the bigger picture here is how I deal with these situations. I guess I’ve learned that I have some boundaries around what I’m comfortable with in friendships, and it’s kind of a fine line between sticking to those boundaries and still showing that I care. It’s making me realize that sometimes I might be a little too passive or not communicate my reasons well enough, and that can lead to misunderstandings.
I think it’s also teaching me to be more honest with people about my feelings and where I’m coming from. Maybe I need to find a better balance between respecting my own needs and being clear about what I want in my friendships.