Marriage talks...

Invisible_me

Hello.
I'm 25 and from an Asian background so the marriage talks have started to begin abd deepen and get more solid. Simple fact I ain't ready *far from ready have autism and trying g to cope with tbst alongside sorting my own life, independence and more so have stable work.marrjage talks began from 20, proposal cane from relative..and easily parents rejected saying not now but now...
It's got to the poibt where a boy has been introduced to me drum my cousins mum who say his a "good match for me, as in lives in UK temp visa, calmer personality (no extended family know about my autism) and parentd wants me to meet boy, get engaged atleast and then marry in 2yrs time. Tht way he can get permanent residence in UK. I am married to a "decent " plus besides I dont want to be as a visa UK resident scapegoat either..

I ain't interested in seeing anyone though.and said no abd not ready numerous times but while it's not forceful I feel they are applying some pressure to get married start the process..
What do I do? I can't talk to anyone else family no one understands or will! Even who I thought I would this time around are saying see boy..

Plus..My doc called me this week to do a check in from return of holiday (at which marriage talks began) and like she has asked cpupke years before, whether like marriage things have started and I saud no because it was easy at that time but this time round in holiday and after return it isn't because I'm now at the deemed "msrriagesble age" t. I ended up crying ocer phone to doc and now she wants to see me .

I dont knkw if she is a bit worried because she knows I didn't want to go in holiday and I think she knows it's more then just my autism and anxiety thst made me nervous about going as before I went she was like why, what's happened there? What'd making you feel like this? Is thrrr something more? But I didn't really say and she let that be..

what will happen if I told her?? I wont and beside she is a doc ans theyre there for medical concerns m.

Don't get me wrong I don't think it's at the forced marriage stage but pressure is mounting. I just want advice, what can I do, without there being to too much backlash.

Orchid059

Hi @Invisible_me this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation that you're going through so its understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and you're not sure what to do. It must be so hard feeling this pressure from your family, especially when it comes to something as personal as marriage. Your feelings and your future are incredibly important, and it's okay to feel uncertain or conflicted about this. You deserve to have the time and space to make decisions that align with your own values and happiness. Do you think that having a conversation about how you are feeling with your family might release some of that pressure that you're experiencing? Also regarding your doctor, it is completely up to you how much you disclose to her but I think she is just making sure that your wellbeing is all okay. Perhaps seeing your doctor might mean that she can refer you to some professional support if that is something that you might be interested in?

You're not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want what's best for you.

Invisible_me

Orchid059 wrote: »

Hi @Invisible_me this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation that you're going through so its understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and you're not sure what to do. It must be so hard feeling this pressure from your family, especially when it comes to something as personal as marriage. Your feelings and your future are incredibly important, and it's okay to feel uncertain or conflicted about this. You deserve to have the time and space to make decisions that align with your own values and happiness. Do you think that having a conversation about how you are feeling with your family might release some of that pressure that you're experiencing? Also regarding your doctor, it is completely up to you how much you disclose to her but I think she is just making sure that your wellbeing is all okay. Perhaps seeing your doctor might mean that she can refer you to some professional support if that is something that you might be interested in?

You're not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want what's best for you.

Hi thanks for reply!! Ive had a conversation with my parents about it even they know I'm not ready but it's not going down to well. They're like you've got to get married, you can't sty unmarried amd if you don't get married now you won't ever be able to as you won't find a suitable match and they thunk they've got one now (what dad says), mum says gheyse no harm seeing him.

Yes I think she's seeing me too check in okay really. She said before I went she'll see me to put a plan in place to meet my autism needs but that's in late Feb. Only prob ive but js getting to docs on Friday without parents knowing.

independent_

I am from a completely different background to you so I don’t feel able to offer any advice on the marriage front. However you are definitely not alone, there is a lot of pressure on young, Asian women to marry (and by extension of that, have children). It seems to be a cultural thing that you are under the control of your parents until you are married and then your husband. I use the word control as I can’t think of a more fitting one, I don’t mean control in the behaviour sense. Normally in situations like this I would suggest talking to your parents, but it sounds like you’ve tried that and it’s going down like a lead balloon (again a cultural thing).

Whatever you say to your doctor must remain confidential unless there are concerns for your safety. So it very much depends on the specifics of what you say, but in 99.99999% of cases what you say to your doctor would go no further, unless they were making a referral to support you (with your consent).

Invisible_me

independent_ wrote: »

I am from a completely different background to you so I don’t feel able to offer any advice on the marriage front. However you are definitely not alone, there is a lot of pressure on young, Asian women to marry (and by extension of that, have children). It seems to be a cultural thing that you are under the control of your parents until you are married and then your husband. I use the word control as I can’t think of a more fitting one, I don’t mean control in the behaviour sense. Normally in situations like this I would suggest talking to your parents, but it sounds like you’ve tried that and it’s going down like a lead balloon (again a cultural thing).

Whatever you say to your doctor must remain confidential unless there are concerns for your safety. So it very much depends on the specifics of what you say, but in 99.99999% of cases what you say to your doctor would go no further, unless they were making a referral to support you (with your consent).

I do agree with you in that, that there probably is a cultural element in this. Back in home country 25 woukd definitely be marriage age if not before. But it doesn't help me in what to do. Very much so, taught to respect their choixes etc and while I put my voice forward if it doesn't get heard then saying yes and agreeing is what I tend to do for the sale of keeping this calm. Please don't get me wrong my parents arent completely authoritarian and it's not like they're completely forceful but they can be shall we say demanding in their things and if not yo their liking then things get very difficult in the home environment. Marriage however is a big, personal thing and can't just say yes for them, this isn't like a small decision it's my life and also lots of other people with it as well!

Thanks for confirming re doc confidentiality. Yeah she has reassured me a few times it confidential. She comes drum an asian background as well so she prog understand but If I tell her re tgid it could possinly trigger safeguarding and that'd scary! This is not the reason I'm seeing her I ended up crying over phone when checking in my anxiety. But it's hard how I'm going to see her without parents knowing.

Invisible_me

This had quiten down but started again 😳

I cancelled that doc appointment but now its rebook for this week and I cant cancel either.