Heavy feelings

Lottie5433

Life has been a struggle lately - alot more than normal and its unbearable 😢

Im fed up with how shit my mental health makes me feel and how isolated it makes me. I don't even know when my last good day was, most of the time I pretend im fine just to avoid tricky questions and getting people worried or concerned.
I've been getting alot of panic attacks and I dont know why they are even happening which makes them that much harder to deal with. When im experiencing these I feel like I cant breath and like im drowning. I used to be able to trick my brain into thinking it was an asthma attack because that way I could quick fix it with my inhaler but thats not been working and I just have to ride it out. This gets me exhausted ontop of the exhaustion from lack of sleep I have as well.

My anxiety has been extremely high for no apparent reason other than an interview for a job today (which i failed and was unsuccessful in - which has also just made me feel shit as well). But because my anxiety is high I feel sick which then makes me not want to eat resulting in strong eating disorder thoughts and actions.

TW: mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts

My self harm has gotten worse and I need to stop but I can't, the only thing helping me right now Is that I don't want to ruin the tattoos I have on my arms and wrists - but then that doesnt stop me as I just do it anywhere else.
I feel like ive let everyone down with this.
My parents, My ex-university mentor (promised her I wouldn't do it and that im okay), My general manager and line manager at work. I'm just failing.
These intense thoughts and feelings have led to alot of suicidal thoughts (thought these would stop of i took my medication regularly), which have been occurring very often. Half the time i don't feel incontrol and that im on the outside of my body and have no say in what happens.
Ps I am safe currently

I so need to reach out to my GP and see what they can do now that ive finished treatment with the eating disorder team, but im nervous to do this. It causes so much anxiety because i have to fill in a stupid online form and then when I get an appointment I present as being okay and functioning - which just makes me think im don't deserve to have the appointment or get help. But also 90% of the time my gp just wants to medicate me more instead of helping me with the underlying issues.

I fucking hate how im living this world

I use to say im thriving (just to avoid the fact that im not) but now i truly get that im not thriving im just trying to survive and battle these demons inside.

sinead276

It must be really hard to feel like this at the moment, and to be able to even open up about it all here shows how strong you are. It must feel really draining to feel these panic attacks and anxiety so frequently, but I think you're doing such a good job.

As for the job interview - I'm sorry to hear it wasn't successful and I know how demotivating this can feel. But what's important is you did it in the first place and that in itself is something to be proud of. Hopefully future ones go well for you.

Hopefully you're able to get a GP appointment and get the support you need. If you are worried about the fact you're anxiety may not be presenting in the appointment, it may be of use to write down your experiences when your anxiety gets bad, and then give this to the GP if you do go make an appointment, as it will give them a good idea of the experiences you are having. But you deserve to get support and help just like everyone else.

You’re not alone in this, and I hope you can give yourself credit for the strength it takes to keep going, even when things feel so hard. Sending a big hug

Lottie5433

Sorry for the late response @sinead276

It is hard feeling like this but ive just got use to it at this point. The panic attacks and anxiety has been draining me alot making me exhausted- alongside the lack of sleep too (not a great combination to have). Thanks but I dont feel like im doing a good job.

Thank you for the comment of my job interview- it was so demotivating, especially since it's a job i do already this would just be more hours and in a more career focused area - but clearly wasn't made for it. I doubt future ones will go any better - might as well face the fact that i can't leave where im to.

I'm too scared to reach back out to my Gp mainly because I need them to believe I'm fine so I can do camp America this summer (as they need to sign it off and what not). I will try that, I use to write down/journal about it all but never made an effort to show my gp or tell them.

Thank you for your kind words 😊 ❤️

Sian321

Hey @Lottie5433 , thanks so much for this post. I can really hear just how unbearable things are feeling right now, and it sounds like such a lonely spot to be caught in - to feel isolated having to 'pretend' to be fine all the time, and yet also being afraid that if you do open up, this could lead to tricky questions, feeling like you're letting others down, or losing opportunities like Camp America. I can imagine that might leave you feeling trapped sometimes, and I'm really glad that Community can be a space where you can say some of this 'out loud'

You mentioned that sometimes presenting as 'being okay' and 'functional' can make you think you don't deserve help. I hear you, and that's a painful thought to have. When we're struggling lots in life, oftentimes there can be 'parts' of us that are focused on survival, while other parts feel more overwhelmed or in crisis. Both can be true at the same time, and you shouldn't have to justify your struggle to anyone. What you're going through is serious and valid. No one else should get to say whether or not you're worthy of help. You deserve to not have to go through this all alone.

You've mentioned a few themes such as coping with panic attacks, SH, suicidal feelings, as well as eating disorder thoughts. It sounds like a lot to experience all at once. Can I ask, what does keeping safe look like for you in some of the hardest moments? I wonder if there's anything or anyone that brings you comfort, however small?

I also wondered if you've received any further support around these things in the past? I know you mentioned medication. Has there been any other types of support?

If helpful, I'll pop some places below that might be able to offer some help

SH
There is a free mobile app called Calm Harm. You can get it on the App Store (Apple) or Google Play (Andorid). The app is designed to prevent people from urges to self-harm using these activities: Comfort, Distract, Express Yourself, Release, Random and Breathe. You can find out more about it on https://calmharm.co.uk/

Suicide
Papyrus is a confidential support and advice service for children and young people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide. The helpline number is 0800 068 4141. You can also text them on 077862 09697, email pat@papyrus-uk.org or go to www.papyrus-uk.org The helpline is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, including Bank Holidays.

Samritans are there for you 24/7. They offer a listening service and emotional support to anyone about any issue, with a special focus on suicidal feelings. You can call the helpline for free on 116 123 or email at jo@samaritans.org. You can also write them a letter and you can find details on their website. Some of their branches offer face to face services and you can find your local branch on their website. For more information you can go to www.samaritans.org

Panic Attacks
There’s an organisation called No Panic. They offer advice, listening support, resources befriending & referrals for people experiencing anxiety disorders such as phobias, obsessive/compulsive disorders, panic attacks and other related anxiety disorders. Information and support is available for the families and carers of sufferers. No Panic offers email support by emailing info@nopanic.org.uk and has a 24 hour crisis line you can call on 01952 680835. If you are aged 21 and under and you want support with your anxiety, please email youth@nopanic.org.uk. Go to www.nopanic.org.uk for more information.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGG7MGgptxE&t=64s

Disordered Eating
There's an organisation called Beat which offers support and information for people affected by eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating and ARFID. They have a webchat and a helpline open Monday to Friday 3pm-8pm on 0808 801 0677 (England), 0808 801 0432 (Scotland), 0808 801 0433 (Wales) and 0808 801 0434 (NI). They also have different email addresses based on your location which you can find on their website, and online support groups Monday to Friday for different eating disorders. You can use their website to search for local services in your area. For more information go to www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

The organisation Eating Disorders Support has a helpline for anyone with an eating disorder or anyone concerned about someone with an eating disorder. Their helpline is open at various times throughout the day, weekend, and evenings. Feel free to call at any time and if no nobody answers you can leave a message and they will get back to you. You can call them on 01494 793223. They also run a self-help group virtually every Monday and Thursday 7:30pm-9pm, and an in-person group once a month in Amersham. You can also send them an email at support@eatingdisorderssupport.co.uk or visit their website www.eatingdisorderssupport.co.uk

Sending you the biggest hug, @Lottie5433 , and please know we're here. You don't have to bottle this all inside. Journalling sounds like a great idea. Admitting to ourselves that we're really struggling can be a huge step.

Lottie5433

Thank you @Sian321 for you kind words ❤️.

Things have become unbearable over the last few days and has been quite isolating because I dont want anyone around me to know 😕. I just dont want to let anyone down around me - especially if they find out i relapsed with my self-harm again.
Im glad I found this community its helped me feel less alone when I feel like this and i feel more connected to people online than in real life.

I mostly present as "being okay" and "functional" which is exhausting, my mentor at uni use to tell me I was in survival mode when I was adamant I was "Thriving" because that way no one questioned if I was okay or worried about me. I feel like i always need to justify my struggles to everyone otherwise people invalidate how much im struggling coz rhey don't understand 😔 - so what's the point in trying 😕.

Keeping safe in my hardest times means I can stay present in the moment and not shut myself away - as that's when things escalte for me.
Nothing really bring me comfort apart from my dog or my friend and her daughter, when im with my friend I feel more present and less in my head. My friend is also someone who knows how much I struggle but gets that I don't like talking about it at times so she doesn't push me to talk - instead it just naturally comes out in conversation.

I have recieved help for my eating disorder most recently in the form of CBT which i was in for 10ish months - this has now finished.
I am yet to receive help for my self-harm or my suicidal thoughts. Like I spoke to my gp about them who put in a MH refferal where I was assessed and was determined I needed to work on my eating disorder before anything else. Since that I have been back again and had another assessment but I wasn't allowed any treatment for the self-harm or suicidal thoughts because I was already in therapy.
However since the therapy has stopped I'm waiting to see if my therapist has put in my referral to the complex emotional difficulties team [CEDT] so I can work on emotional regulation and begin to unpack traumas that lead to these behaviours.
Medication just seems to be my GPs only way to deal with me at this point 🙄.

Thank you for the resources I have utilised some of them before.

Bottling things up is easier for me as it doesn't worry anyone until i explode. I am going to try journalism so I can at least show my gp how much ive found things difficult (when I actually make an appointment with them), I dont usually like to admit I'm struggling - i have to be strong for others.

Thank you again for your kind words ❤️