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Heavy feelings
Lottie5433
Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
Life has been a struggle lately - alot more than normal and its unbearable 😢
Im fed up with how shit my mental health makes me feel and how isolated it makes me. I don't even know when my last good day was, most of the time I pretend im fine just to avoid tricky questions and getting people worried or concerned.
I've been getting alot of panic attacks and I dont know why they are even happening which makes them that much harder to deal with. When im experiencing these I feel like I cant breath and like im drowning. I used to be able to trick my brain into thinking it was an asthma attack because that way I could quick fix it with my inhaler but thats not been working and I just have to ride it out. This gets me exhausted ontop of the exhaustion from lack of sleep I have as well.
My anxiety has been extremely high for no apparent reason other than an interview for a job today (which i failed and was unsuccessful in - which has also just made me feel shit as well). But because my anxiety is high I feel sick which then makes me not want to eat resulting in strong eating disorder thoughts and actions.
TW: mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts
I so need to reach out to my GP and see what they can do now that ive finished treatment with the eating disorder team, but im nervous to do this. It causes so much anxiety because i have to fill in a stupid online form and then when I get an appointment I present as being okay and functioning - which just makes me think im don't deserve to have the appointment or get help. But also 90% of the time my gp just wants to medicate me more instead of helping me with the underlying issues.
I fucking hate how im living this world
I use to say im thriving (just to avoid the fact that im not) but now i truly get that im not thriving im just trying to survive and battle these demons inside.
Im fed up with how shit my mental health makes me feel and how isolated it makes me. I don't even know when my last good day was, most of the time I pretend im fine just to avoid tricky questions and getting people worried or concerned.
I've been getting alot of panic attacks and I dont know why they are even happening which makes them that much harder to deal with. When im experiencing these I feel like I cant breath and like im drowning. I used to be able to trick my brain into thinking it was an asthma attack because that way I could quick fix it with my inhaler but thats not been working and I just have to ride it out. This gets me exhausted ontop of the exhaustion from lack of sleep I have as well.
My anxiety has been extremely high for no apparent reason other than an interview for a job today (which i failed and was unsuccessful in - which has also just made me feel shit as well). But because my anxiety is high I feel sick which then makes me not want to eat resulting in strong eating disorder thoughts and actions.
TW: mention of self-harm and suicidal thoughts
My self harm has gotten worse and I need to stop but I can't, the only thing helping me right now Is that I don't want to ruin the tattoos I have on my arms and wrists - but then that doesnt stop me as I just do it anywhere else.
I feel like ive let everyone down with this.
My parents, My ex-university mentor (promised her I wouldn't do it and that im okay), My general manager and line manager at work. I'm just failing.
These intense thoughts and feelings have led to alot of suicidal thoughts (thought these would stop of i took my medication regularly), which have been occurring very often. Half the time i don't feel incontrol and that im on the outside of my body and have no say in what happens.
Ps I am safe currently
I feel like ive let everyone down with this.
My parents, My ex-university mentor (promised her I wouldn't do it and that im okay), My general manager and line manager at work. I'm just failing.
These intense thoughts and feelings have led to alot of suicidal thoughts (thought these would stop of i took my medication regularly), which have been occurring very often. Half the time i don't feel incontrol and that im on the outside of my body and have no say in what happens.
Ps I am safe currently
I so need to reach out to my GP and see what they can do now that ive finished treatment with the eating disorder team, but im nervous to do this. It causes so much anxiety because i have to fill in a stupid online form and then when I get an appointment I present as being okay and functioning - which just makes me think im don't deserve to have the appointment or get help. But also 90% of the time my gp just wants to medicate me more instead of helping me with the underlying issues.
I fucking hate how im living this world
I use to say im thriving (just to avoid the fact that im not) but now i truly get that im not thriving im just trying to survive and battle these demons inside.
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