Everything is falling apart

AnonymousToe

I’m so exhausted. I have my first ever uni exams coming up and I’m not at all prepared. I’ve tried to prepare. I just don’t have the energy for anything. Starting uni was so overwhelming and I feel like I didn’t really do enough work as I went along, but I did what I could manage alongside the demanding task of pretending to be a normal person 24/7. It’s so hard. I’m not ready to go back. I’m exhausted. I had a little bit of a break but I’ve been revising and stuff so I’m kind of just back where I started. I feel like uni is too much for me. Like maybe the study would be ok if I was living at home (minus the hoard though of course), or I’d be ok living at uni if I wasn’t also trying to balance a crazy workload on top of it. But I have to do so much at once, and if I can’t do this then I’m just a failure. I’m too exhausted to think properly - my emotional state is all messed up because I’m trying to process and think about so many things at once and I have no energy. I want an actual break from literally everything. The gap year wasn’t even a break because I had to worry about so many things to do with applying to uni. I dont know how people make all this stuff look like it’s nothing. It’s so hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be a proper adult. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even bothering with uni because it’s not like I’ll be able to get a job or anything. I’m locked out of the whole world because I can’t talk to people and I can’t do things that are supposed to be easy because I’m autistic.

TW - vaguely suicidal stuff but I’m not actually suicidal and don’t have any plans.

I just feel like my whole existence is pointless. I’m never gonna be able to function normally or do things like everyone else. I dont know why I try so hard, because it hurts. No matter what I do, I’ll always be less than human. I’ll never be worth as much as a ‘normal’ person and I’ll always just be trying to kind of catch up? to everyone else. I feel so… useless.

TheNightmare

Hi @AnonymousToe , what you're feeling is understanding and uni can be quite a big jump especially after a gap year. Different people manage things differently. Some people can take it differently like some people might be ok with the work load but I think a lot like you might be overwhelmed, myself personally it would become overwhelming for me. You aren't a failure at all I promise, getting into uni at all is a big achievement and something to be proud of. I'm not sure how uni works as I've never been but is there anyone you could speak to at uni like staff about all this or maybe supportive friends? Of course we are all here for you if you need to vent when overwhelmed or stressed etc.

shannon_164

good luck with your exams!! i totally understand what you’re feeling - i have my first exam tomorrow, i’ve tried so hard to prepare for it but no matter what, i just can’t do it:( the way you feel is so so valid!

Sian321

Hi @AnonymousToe , thank you so much for making this post and for sharing with us about how you're feeling approaching your first-year exams.

I can really hear just how exhausting and overwhelming everything is feeling right now. From what you've described, it sounds like you haven't been able to catch a proper break is such a long time, whether due to the constant demands of uni, the pressure to pretend, and worries about next-steps on your gap-year. That's extreamly draining, and I'm so glad you are speaking out here.

I saw you say that you worry you are 'locked out of the world', not 'normal', and that you feel 'less than human', which sound like extreamly painful thoughts to have. I got the sense you feel trapped right now? Would that be fair to say? We're here to listen entirely without judgement, and I don't think you're useless or pointless at all. You matter and you deserve to feel relief from all this pressure and these demands

TW - Suicide

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe right now and not actively suicidal, although I hear that there are times where your existance feels pointless and, again, that sounds extreamly hard.

In those moments, @AnonymousToe , where the future feels very difficult, has there been anything or anyone that feels helpful?

It sounds like you've been trying to do everything within your control to manage your university work alongside the challenges of being autistic in a world and educational system oftentimes catered to neurotypical people. I wonder if you've ever received any support at all from your university whether with your studies or mental health? Would that be something you'd be interested in?

I will share some further support options below:

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) provide life-saving services, information and advice to help anyone struggling with life navigate the issues that can make us feel miserable. They can offer practical ways to manage your mental health, and help you feel less alone by sharing stories of hope to show people there's a way forward. They have a helpline open everyday 5pm-midnight. You can call them on 0800 585858, Whatsapp them on +44 20 4587 6634, or use the webchat on their website. For more information you can go to www.thecalmzone.net

There is an organization called Autism Initiatives that supports individuals with autism across the UK. They can help you with supported living, schools, community outreach, work placements and training, clubs and activities – all to help you achieve your personal goals. They also have a range of one stop shops in Scotland where individuals with autism can access support, advice and social opportunities. To access their service you can self-refer or have someone refer on your behalf, such as from a GP, Health Trust or University/College. To find out more information, their website is https://www.autisminitiatives.org/

There is an app called Molehill Mountain which helps autistic people to understand and self-manage anxiety. The app was designed by a leading autism charity called Autistica and it helps you to track your worries and the situations that trigger anxiety for you as well as tips on how you can understand your anxiety better. The app is available on the Apple App Store and Google Play. The direct links to the app can be found on https://www.autistica.org.uk/molehill-mountain

We're here listening, and I hope you can be kind to yourself today even if in a small way. You're already working so hard, and you deserve rest and understanding