the reality🙁 (TW self-harm, suicidal thoughts and disordered eating)

struggling0_0

i’ve been struggling for years now, but since around the 14th december i have just spiralled completely. i have always been unable to tell anyone how bad i really feel because im scared of how my mum will react. back around march/april time, she told me if police ever get involved again she’ll make sure that they take me with them and that they can leave me in a ditch for all she cares. that hurt, a lot. i can’t be struggling again either as that leaves me at a super high risk of being homeless as she’s told me she’ll leave me with nowhere to live. telling the truth about how much im struggling just really isn’t an option for me and it feels so unfair, i just have to keep going pretending im ok when im really not.

tw// mentions of self harm & suicidal thoughts

i have really spiralled, worse than ever. the past 3 weeks have felt like a lifetime and been so exhausting. i have an appointment with a psychologist person on monday, ive been counting down the days to it the way people count down the days till they go to a concert or go on holiday - how sad am i lol ive spent a lot of the time alone in my room crying and self harming because i don’t know what else to do, i have no one i can talk to. i’ve tried helplines but ive spent so much of my life relying on them that they aren’t even helpful anymore so i really don’t know what to do when i feel so low. i really just wish i wasn’t alive anymore, im not saying i want to end my life but if i was in danger i wouldn't necessarily be in a hurry to get out of the way either if that makes sense? i am safe right now, i promise. all ive done this past few weeks now is self harm again and again and again, i want to stop but i just can’t? it’s the only way my brain gets a break. i wish i could just be a normal person.

tw// mentions of disordered eating & suicidal thoughts & self harm

i did go to the doctors on thursday about how i feel physically (from not eating properly), it was with a doctor i’ve never seen before so i went in trying to be positive that she might actually be helpful as ive spent 2 years getting nowhere with how i feel physically and it is REALLY impacting my day to day life, i am always so tired and just feel so weak but its ok no one even cares, its just me being lazy. the doctor was actually super lovely and i did feel listened to and taken seriously; she did ask about everything else too in terms of how i feel mentally and i was so close to telling her the reality but i panicked and just said that im struggling but im ok. she wanted blood tests done so i went and got them yesterday morning, the nurse that done them ive seen many times and like her and when she asked me “how are you” i was about to tell her i feel worse than ever and i don’t wanna be here anymore but then i just panicked and said “im ok just tired” but she did see my arms (self harm) though made no comment which i was relieved about. i really regret not telling either of them how much im struggling though:(

i really do want to go and tell the psychologist person on monday how bad i really feel as i feel worse than what ive been telling her and i know i shouldn’t pretend i feel better than what i do but i am really scared of what will happen, like what action will she take and my mum then finding out too, i can’t risk that:( i do really like her, right from the start i said she gave good vibes and i do find that she is actually easy to talk to as well like she isn’t dismissive of anything, she doesn’t invalidate what i feel and i think she actually listens but also hears what im saying too - out of every professional i’ve ever experienced, she has already in the space of 3 appointments been the best and i just finally feel like someone actually cares about me? i do want to tell her how much i am really struggling but im just scared to and i also have such a fear of telling people as it looks like im lying about how i feel i guess as i dont appear to be struggling because i look fine (idk how to explain what i mean properly) but she did say at our last session about how even though i dont come in and cry my eyes out to her or whatever, that doesnt make her think im ok and dont need support, so knowing that does help? like i dont have to ‘show’ that im not ok to not be ok? in most situations though i just feel unable to even speak, its so silly but i just feel physically unable to speak - thats one thing that stops me going to a&e because what am i meant to say to them when i get there, as well as the whole situation of my mum finding out too.

i just hate myself a LOT. i miss the counsellor i had from the mix, she was amazing. im scared that im going to lose the psychologist person too. i’m scared of being honest in case it ends in police / my mum finding out. i hate me so much.

i’m sorry for such a negative ranty post but im just really struggling right now:( i promise i am safe at the moment♡

Riley_2001

@struggling0_0 Firstly, I’m glad you’re safe right now, my heart goes out to you so heavily for not only your struggles personally, emotionally, physically and mentally, but also the situation regarding your mother. It’s horrid to think you’d be faced with homeless because of your struggles. Again, my heart goes out to you. I’m glad to hear that you have an appointment with the psychologist, it’s okay and normal to be excited for that, even if you’re counting down the days. I myself did that when I received therapy for 8 weeks, I would count down the days. I’m sorry you have nobody to talk to, I can relate in this regard as well. It’s hard going through the struggles alone. Just note, if you ever feel lonely-

I sit in the lonely with you.

I can understand the thoughts from a personal level - saying you wouldn’t be quick to move out of the way of a lorry, I understand exactly what you mean. Same goes with the self-harm, I can understand that too. The psychologist is absolutely there to help you and I’m glad she’s so lovely, do try and be as honest as you can with her, express your concerns of the situation even though it’s hard to speak.

You always have us, we are always happy to hear you talk about what’s going on in your life and what you need help with. Even if you don’t want advice and just want someone to listen and understand you wholeheartedly. You’re a very strong soul, very strong, you’ll get past this rough period and come out even stronger.

struggling0_0

@Riley_2001 thank you so so much for taking the time to read and reply, i appreciate that a lot♡

it’s just so frustrating that she puts barriers between me and getting help however complains at me if im not ok? like i can’t get to where she expects me to be without help that i cant access because of her:(

i feel so so silly counting down the days but genuinely, it’s the one part of my week where i can drop the act, i don’t have to pretend i am ok. i know the psychologist is there to help, and i do think she’s very easy to talk to etc but im just scared about if my mum finds out as i really cannot risk that happening:(

i appreciate you opening up too and making me feel less alone with all this - thank you so much, always here for you if you need someone♡

Riley_2001

@struggling0_0 I can certainly imagine how frustrating it must be, being rejected the treatment you need. There’s absolutely no need to feel silly at all, although I can relate as i mentioned. I would get excited for the therapy for the same reason, so i could actually feel how I felt and not put on an act. I’m sorry you can’t express yourself truly to the psychologist due to it. I hope the appointment goes well for you and you get all the outcomes that you need to progress.

You’re never alone. ☺️