not so ‘happy’ new year☹️

struggling0_0

i hate this time of year a lot, it’s always hard but this year has been much harder and i don’t know why. i just feel so drained from life, ive spent the past few days in bed crying because i simply don’t want to be here anymore.

i know that no one’s life is perfect, everyone faces challenging times etc but seeing everyone i went to school with out celebrating with friends, going on holidays with friends, living their life at uni (and i still haven’t even managed to achieve anything higher than a gcse), even some starting their own families - it kinda hurts? i just feel so far behind in life. even my younger sister is further ahead in life than me…

i am so exhausted of battling with my own brain every single day. it’s only going to get harder too once college starts back, i don’t even want to go back:(

i just keep messing up everything, im trying so hard but continue to fail. im sorry.

Katie

Hey there @struggling0_0 thank you for sharing these feelings with us - they sound like a lot so I'm sending hugs The new year can be pretty difficult to navigate and also I find it can feel quite overwhelming. With a new year comes a lot of reflections about how we spent the previous year, and I can hear how you're comparing your life to other people's.

Comparing ourselves really does feel like the devil on our shoulders and can be really hard to ignore in this day and age when we're surrounded by social media. You're right that nobody is perfect and everyone faces challenging times. Even though you might be seeing people who you went to school with going out, being on holiday, or starting their own families, we don't really know what is happening behind closed doors.

It's important we remember there isn't actually one way to live our lives, despite what social media might be trying to guilt us into feeling. These people are all living their own lives in different ways, and they'll have gone through their own setbacks and challenges. It's more than likely they're only sharing the highs of their life and not the lows, so we don't know what their life really is like. I wonder if you've considered maybe unfollowing these people on social media or muting their accounts so you don't see their posts so much? It's okay to prioritise your own wellbeing and how hurt you feel when you see other people living their lives differently to you. Even though it sounds like they're not posting in a malicious way, it's really okay to recognise you might need some time away from seeing their posts. How does that sound?

I also hear that your younger sister is further ahead in life than you. Can I ask what you mean by "further ahead in life"? I'm interested in what qualifies and if there is a certain way you pictured your life?

There's also no need to apologise at all! These are all real feelings and I'm sure all of us have experienced comparing ourselves to other people and how damaging it can feel. I certainly have.

struggling0_0

hey @Katie - thank you for taking the time to read and reply to what i said, i appreciate it a lot ♡

i know that people tend to only post about the highs of their lives and not the lows and that there is sooo much that we don’t see about in other peoples lives. i just mean more like even with the challenges they all have faced too that we don’t see, they have managed to have friends to go on holidays with, go to uni, start families etc when i am still sat here trying to get my a levels at the age of 21 and no friends etc.

i don’t really use social media that much to be honest, apart from tiktok because i can find so many people on there who i can really relate to and i also have my own little vent account on tiktok too as it’s the only way i can get what i feel out i guess?

i was just always expected to go and achieve all my gcses (which i did) then my a levels (which i did not) and be in the career i always wanted etc, i managed to get my dream job at the age of 18 (one of the requirements is to be at least 18 years old) however mental health then put me out but i couldn’t tell anyone that was the reason so i just had to try and lie about it and say that what put me off was the fact i would have to live between my home town and london which i wouldn’t like, when in reality that would’ve been amazing to get to have a break from ‘home’. idk how believable it was, as it was always my dream, i worked in that industry for 3 years altogether and im still not really over not being able to do my dream job because of mental heath:( i never will be able to either as you have to be mentally stable for 6+ months and i have no hope. i then had a complete change of heart i guess and went back to college again to study something completely different, but i have lost all interest and don’t even plan to go back on monday after christmas break to be honest:/ my sister is finishing her a levels this year, applying for uni and getting her first car in a couple weeks - i get compared to her constantly because why was i not like that, i was just always so difficult i was told. all i want is to be understood, that is all but no one ever has really understood me i feel:(

sorry this is super long and really silly too:(

Sian321

Hey @struggling0_0 , thanks so much for your posts here and for sharing more about what these past few years have been like for you

You mentioned that it really hurts to see people you went to school with or your sister growing 'ahead' in life and to feel left behind. I really hear that, and it sounded honestly very painful to have secured your dream job at the age of 18, to have had the opportunity to move away from home, but then to have needed to stop due to your mental health. Reading your post, that really does sounds like such a hard loss to come to terms with, and it makes sense to me that you're still trying to process what happened. It feels like that job meant a huge amount to you, and you had to deal with a total 360 turn in your plans and dreams.

You mentioned that returning to the job would require being mentally stable, but that currently, that feels almost impossible to imagine. While I 100% hope and believe that mental wellbeing is very much possible for you in the future @struggling0_0 , I recognise just how trapped you might feel right now, watching other people enjoying things in life that you yourself also long for and not knowing how to quiet the battle in your brain. That really, really hard. Particularly when college too isn't feeling right and you're unsure where to go next.

When you mentioned about being compared to your sister all the time, it made me think about how shaming that can feel too - to constantly have this sense that someone else is doing 'better' or are further 'ahead', like life is a race that we're somehow failing. I think to be honest this whole time of year can be shaming too - all that pressure to change ourselves, set goals, and burst into productivity when in reality its still the very middle of Winter and Nature is literally slowing down or sleeping! Even as I'm typing this, all the trees outside my window are bare. They seem to be in no rush to be anything other than themselves. Moving in time with their own inner cycles. 'Wintering' when they need to, nourishing themselves quietly, invisably with nutrients stored in the soil to prepare to bloom when its time. I wish we as humans were given more permission societally to do the same!

Reading your posts, it seems to me like you've been working so hard these past few months esspecially to survive, keep going, and to process fluctuations in your mental health. It's exhausting. And it sucks, because this kind of mental 'work' isn't often awarded or validated in the same way exam results, university offers, or starting a family might be, and yet, it's vital. It's some of the hardest work you'll ever do. Surviving. Day-by-day trying to befriend your brain, and to set boundaries with it. To listen-into what interests and excites you....From the outside, this kind of work might look a lot like stillness. It might feel like stuckness (and maybe it is, maybe that's part of it). But maybe its also like the trees right now - from a distance, it might be hard to see what they're 'doing', but they know they're resting, they're recuperating, they're preparing

Keep us posted, and we're rooting for you.